- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2015
Hello Bees, I’ll try to make this as short as possible. This has to do with my relationship with my mom.
My mom has been widowed 16 years. During that time she has had two long term boyfriends – second one being Mike, whom she dated 7 years. She has not lived with anyone since my dad – nothing past seeing each other a few times a week if that.
Anyways, Mike is nice guy. I never thought he was right for my mom, idk why, just call it a gut feeling. I have liked people she’s seen in the past, but for some reason Mike just kind of rubbed me the wrong way. I think a lot of it has to do with how my mom acts around him. She kind of puts him way on a pedestool and never admits his flaws. She always acted like a stupid middle school girl in love, and that always bothered me.
For example, not ONCE has Mike been on time for anything. We used to invite him to my little brothers basketball games and he would promise to be there etc, only for him to show up at the last quarter. My mom’s excuse is that he is bad at time management, but to me, it seems like he does this on purpose. To get the attention of “showing up” if that makes sense.
Anyways, like I said I want to make this quick so I’ll stop at there. Just know he’s never hurt my mom or anything like that, and he is pretty thoughtful sometimes (always brings her flowers, etc).
Last October, Mike broke up with my mom because they had some problems with communicating and the relationship wasn’t progressing. He wanted to get married or at least move in together, but my mom was always iffy about it. I respect Mike for doing that, because I know it hurt them both. He tried No Contact for a few months, but my mom convienced him to remain friends.
Over the past year, Mike has helped (occassionally) with household things. We have no family nearby so we did sometimes need a mans work around the house. She took his helpfulness to mean he was still interested (keep in mind, she always asks him and he isn’t someone to say no to those things).
Literally several times a week when I talk to my mom, she tells me about how she might want to get back together with him etc. I’m like…you don’t really get to decide that since he broke up with you… but I usually try to support her. She has tried online dating but got sad that she never found anyone (went on like 5 dates in a whole year, so no wonder…).
This has started causing trouble in our relationship. I am in university until June, at which point I will be moving back home and renting the basement from my mom. However, more recently I am starting to get more and more stressed about this whole Mike thing. She constantly brings up the fact that shes upset that he might not want to get back together, complains of mixed signals etc. KEEP IN MIND that they’ve seen each other like 5 times in the past several months! I tried SO hard to console her and give her my advice (which she asks for) but she always gets defensive for no reason. I have never insulted Mike or their relationship. I only have laid out the facts; nothing has changed in the last year, why would the next time be different, etc.
Last week, she somehow convinced him to go out to dinner. And then the movies two days after that. After each time, she was crying afterwards because she didn’t think it was going anywhere, and she doesn’t know what she wants, going to be alone forever, etc etc.
This had really been causing me stress. No one wants to think about their dying alone. I want her to be happy, but I know this Mike thing is just bad news. She should have cut it cold turkey a year ago so she could move on, but of course she wont listen to me.
For years, my mom has been promising me a graduation trip because I never had more than a few days off between college semesters. We finally booked a hotel for me and her for a week later this year. She lists everything she planned, and then at the end of the email today she writes:
“I wish Mike could afford to come along, would’ve been nice for him to come along”
This kind of did it for me. Not anything about my brother, nor my fiance. But someone that she has been broken up with for a year?? I was so upset. I took a bit to gather myself, and I called her. I was very mature about expressing my thoughts (wrote it down first) and explained that I wished she was a little bit more sensitive with the whole Mike thing because it affects more people than she thinks, etc. Her response?
“..Well, we are back together.”
What?!? When the hell did this happen?? Apparently a few days ago, after she had been crying about it, they finally decided to get back together. I am VERY upset. Part of me knows I should be happy for her, but I feel insulted that after dealing with her crap for over a year, on almost a daily basis, she would just NOT tell me something like that. Not to mention she would say something as selfish as “I wish he could come along…” to my graduation present trip!! Keep in mind, she goes on caribean style vacations SEVERAL TIMES A YEAR.
I tried to tell her why I was upset but she won’t listen. She says “you always try to make it about yourself, this is what you do”, but I don’t understand why she would say that. I am supposed to go home this weekend, but I just don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to live there when I graduate either, because I remember how their relationship was and I dont want to be involved. He will probably end up moving in too, because they will need to compromise on something to keep up the relationship, and my mom has toyed with the idea.
Ok so sorry for the long post, god bless you if you have read this whole thing. Please let me know your thoughts. Am I being selfish here? Should I just suck it up and move back home (she would be insulted if I don’t) even if they move in together? Should I mention the issue again? As I said, I really don’t like their relationship and I’m not sure I can keep up the lie anymore 🙁