Post # 1
I am a regular bee poster but I have created a pseudo account for the purposes of keeping things private.
My Fiance and I have been together for nearly 2 years. We had a LDR for a year because of work. Now he is back home. We are less than 2 months from the big day and I am having some doubts. BIG doubts. I love him dearly. He is kind, gentle, and loving. I could go on about the million reasons I love him and why we get along so very well.
So what is the problem? I have had a nagging feeling for the last month or so. My gut kept telling mie things are not as perfect as they seem and no relationship is this perfect. The feeling got worse after last week when we were going through our outstanding balances for the wedding and he logged into his bank account. After looking at the screen I asked him if that was all the money he had left? He said the wedding money is in his savings account. I asked him to show me the balance. He then told me his savings and checking aren’t linked and that he cannot see the balance online. I knew this was a lie because we both have the same bank and I know the online banking website like the back of my hand. I told him how he could look at his balances for all his accounts but he refused and stated he could not because it wasn’t linked. I decided I would give up and we worked on the budget together.
Well… I decided to follow my gut this morning while he was at work (he starts work way before me). While he was away workinng for a year I paid some of his bills for him (with his money) so I have his banking information. I decided to call the automated banking line with his information to check the savings and checking account balances. Why? Because the incident about the balance last week has been really getting to me and I coudl just feel he was lying. Well my gut instincts were confirmed. His savings account does not even have enough money to finish paying the caterer, yet alone the rest of our balances. I am pretty angry that he lied to me and even more angry that he has yet to say ANYTHING about not having enough money!
At this point we are contractual obliglated to pay 3900 bucks to all wedding vendors. There is no cutting corners or guest lists to save money. This is our bare minimum that must be paid. It really doesnt seem like much left to pay BUT our wedding is less than 2 months away and I know how much he will bring home after we pay bills, etc. and it would be almost impossible to do it. I don’t make much money and I never wanted the big wedding, he did. Because of this, he said he would pay for it. I did purchase my own dress, hair makeup and pay for the photographer. We have no help whatsoever from family and I am starting to feel a bit jaded about the whole ordeal.
I am starting to question what else has he lied about and why he felt it was ok to keep this secret. I am really at a loss for words at this point and I am feeling like I may be making a mistake. I am just hell bound on not being takin for a ride and being in control of our finances. When my grandpa died my grandma didn’t even know how to write a check. She didn’t know my grandpa had mortgaged the house and the boat. I will be damned if that ever happens to me.
Post # 3
ouch. yeah, I’d say you have reason to be upset, angry, and worried. If it were me, I’d pin him down, hand him the phone, and say “dial”. that way he won’t know you checked and won’t change the info (devious, I know).
if he refuses, well, that’s when you throw down. point out the checking account, point out how much has to be paid, and demand PROOF that he can pay it.
otherwise, if it were me? I’d walk. I HAD an ex- who took my money and blew it on drugs and alcohol (didn’t know this until AFTER I’d left him and moved back to my home state). so, yeah, I’d walk because I wouldn’t be able to trust him.
without trust, how can you have a relationship?
anywhos, just my thoughts on the problem. hope you can get this sorted out soon, and without having the heartache of a breakup.
Post # 4
I would suggest having a pretty serious talk about where you both are finanically so that you can better prepare yourself for the future and the wedding. Try not to make it seems as though you’re confronting him about money..money does weird things to people so be light about the conversation. With the economy the way it is, perhaps he lost his job and embarassed to tell you about it? My fiance had his hours and salary cut because his company was suffering and he was really embarassed about not being able to save more for the wedding. He even had to resort to dipping into his savings for mortgage and other bills. Just be prepare for anything when you have the talk.
Maybe he’s just saving his money in an account that generate more interest. Good luck!
Post # 5
ohhh that is not good at all. Finances are one of the biggest factors in a relationship. That said, dont panic just yet. I would have a very frank conversation with him about this and ask him why exactly he wont show you his finances.
Hopefully it is all a big mix up.
Post # 6
I’d be worried too, I don’t think you are overreacting. I also don’t think you should leave him at this point, you don’t even know his side of the story yet. In my relationship, I am the one who is terrible with money. We have a joint account for joint expenses which Darling Husband mostly manages, but on my own I’m a bit of a mess. A few months ago I had to confess to Darling Husband that my credit card debts were much higher than he realised and I needed to talk to him about how I was going to get things under control. It was a horrible conversation which made me cry, but he was pretty understanding and tried to give me some practical tips on how to manage things. I’m doing much better now. I mention this because I think the next thing you need to do is confront your Fiance (nicely!) and tell him what you’ve found. I think instead of being angry you should be concerned – he told you he would have $X ready by now, and he doesn’t, so that would worry me at this point. Give him the opportunity to tell you what has happened. Then use that to think about what you’d like to do – postpone the wedding, cancel it completely, break up, etc. But I don’t think you can make those decisions until you know the truth – and it sounds like you will know immediately if he lies to you again. Good luck, I can’t imagine how sick you feel over this. I hope he comes through for you.
Post # 7
As hard as it seems to be, I think you need to put things on hold. You can’t go into a wedding with a relationship that you’re not sure about. Especially if you KNOW he’s been lying. TRUST ME. I’ve been through this. It took a long time to iron things out and build trust back but now we’re happier than ever.
You need to confront him about it. Don’t tell him you know anything. Give him an opportunity to tell you the truth. If he can’t be truthful lay out the evidence and tell him you’re leaving. Give him a week. If he comes after you and tries to make things right and follows through with his word, everything will be fine. If he doesn’t come after you, sorry.
Post # 8
i agree that you really need to set things straight BEFORE getting married.
Post # 9
@bells: Thanks bees for the insight. We had a talk this afternnon after he got home from work. I never told him I called the bank but I did ask him to explain how he was paying for the rest of the wedding. I explained I knew he had less money than he said he did simply by doing the math on some of his purchases. He came clean and said he figured he would be able to replace the money by the time the payments were due. We talked for a long while about finances and his lying about it. He also confessed he gave his mother 2 thousand dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because she was going to lose her house and he felt obligated to help her. I was so upset he didn’t bother to mention it to me before hand. Granted this was money he saved WAY before me and I guess he is free to do with it as he wishes. I just wish he had brought it up. So anyhow, I feel a lot better after talking to him and at least having a plan to get everything paid for. Hopefully there wil be no more lies about stupid things like this. To me it is stupid to lie about such things, especially since I am usually pretty slow to judge. But I guess he felt like he needed to patch the bank account up before he could actually tell me what happened…
Post # 10
Yay..I’m glad everything’s out in the open. I’m sure he just didn’t want to worry you (even though he did just that by hiding it)..and I think it’s nice he helped his mom save the house. This economy is a tough on everyone.