Post # 1
We are newlyweds of two months and my husband is ruining our marriage. I have always disliked guys that are obsessed with video games and he knows it – i actually like liked that he wasnt into that stuff (my ex was) but ever since ‘diablo 3’ came out hes been completely consumed by it. We fight about it every single day. I have tried to tell him that im hurt, tried being mad at him and tried being practical by asking for balance between game time and ‘us’ time. Nothing works. He spends every evening with the laptop in front of him almost as soon as he gets home from work and rarely comes to bed with me at night. He keeps telling me it will be fine once he gets over the game but thats not happening anytime soon, its been going on for months. He doesnt seem to care or miss me. We barely have time for sex and im mad that it has to be on his terms since when i prefer doing it (in the evenings) hes too busy playing on the game. I feel neglected and angry. We should be happy and enjoying each others company but he makes every day a struggle. I didnt sign up for this…what can i do?!!
Post # 3
@206: Yikes, i’m sorry this has happened to you! I would see if he would limit his game playing time to certain nights during the week then you could do your hobbies during this time as well. Gym/Read/Long Baths/Girls Night whatever floats your boat.
Post # 4
I would sit him down and come up with a compromise on the amount of time he is going to play a day. Set a timer for ten minutes short of what that time is supposed to be when he starts playing. When that timer goes off that’s his ten minute warning to reach a save point or finish up whatever he’s doing and save. Once the final timer goes off that’s it, computer goes off for the evening.
I think a lot of gamers don’t gauge time well when they’re playing, so to him what seems like only an hour or two is actually the entire evening. I know my SO and I have wasted entire Saturdays playing Minecraft together!
I’m sorry that your Darling Husband isn’t being more considerate. Games are quite a time-suck, especially anticipated ones like Diablo III, but it’s important for him to learn to set healthy boundaries.
ETA: The ten-minute warning is there to avoid the classic “but I’m not at a save point” or “just let me finish up this quest” class of excuses. I know my little brother used to use these all the time when in fact he could save and quit at any time to squeeze a ton of extra time out of his allotment of playtime.
Post # 6
What if you do a set limit. Perhaps he can play one or two hours a night. For every half hour he goes over, he owes you an extra hour of together time.
If he isn’t willing to compromise then it might be time to speak with a councilor.
Post # 7
Um break the game and blame it on the dog? Sorry I don’t have a better solution :/
Post # 8
- Wedding: June 2011 - Sydney, Australia
The time limit idea is not a bad one. Definitely worth looking into!
Post # 9
I hear ya girl. The mistress in our home is “Skyrim.” My hubby and I have definitely discussed this especially since I found an article that said that some people are now filing for divorce and stating the reason is “videogaming.” Early in our marriage, I actually resorted to hiding his controllers (yikes…wrong move) as well as nixing the sex time at a certain hour. If not in bed by such-n-such time, then nothing.
The thing that’s worked best for us is showing him the articles and rationally discussing why it’s an issue. We’re still working on it but have come to the conclusion that “me time” is important and that we should set aside at least an hour for that. However, “we-time” should outweigh “me.” Wife should come before the game and vice-versa … he should come before my obsessions.
It’s an uphill battle and if we find something that works all the time, I’ll let you know.
Post # 10
@ asscherlover – haha dont tempt me! We dont have a dog but i was almost tempted to kill his laptop in many imaginative ways this evening!
Thanks everyone, glad to know im not alone.. Not sure hes gonna go for the time limit thing, if i keep telling him we need quality time he promises he’ll be off at a certain time and always disregards it to the point that im done asking and its time for bed anyway. I hate that this issue is turning me into the ‘mom’ of the relationship. It makes me nag and i hate hearing it come out of my mouth! Tonight i fell asleep on the couch waiting for him and he just went to bed without me. Its like hes lost all emotional intelligence since the game came out. I am livid and sleeping in the spare room. Ugggghhh ready to be done trying!
Post # 11
@206: It does get better!! i had a similar problem and at the time it was SO frustrating. even worse – it was my own fault for buying the damn thing! my fi had been saying for ages how much he wanted a ps3 and certain games…so in an effort to get him a present he’d love for christmas i saved up and bought it. and he loved it! he loved it to the point where he would come back from work and play it…and play all weekend (literally….ALL day saturday and sunday). i felt like the only communication was “baby pass me the water please” or “im hungry”
complaining didnt work – i was frustrated as i was at home the entire day alone as i cant work yet here in mexico (legal issues) and then we’d be in the same room…but seperate. he’d get frustrated that i was complaining, and all he wanted to do was switch off from the stress of the day by playing. Eventually the novelty wore off…and yes he does still play it, esp if he has new games but not with the same intensity as before. thank god!! i was literally kicking myself for buying it haha
if a timer doesnt work – because theres a chance his mind will still be on the game if hes finished because of the timer – try just saying “wednesday night we’re going for dinner, is that ok with you?” or “tonight lets watch this dvd”…set activities that he knows in advance dont involve vdieo games. that helped me a bit!
batwoman has a real point about them losing track of time – even now ill sometimes say “baby im really tired, its 1am turn it off and lets sleep” (as ps3 in bedroom) and hes like “wow…i thought id only been playing an hour!”
edit – also, i said “dinner is on the table, come down” so we would at least have some time just to chat about things. i tried to engage in conversation about games/ps3 at other times (you know, like magazines tell you to show an interest in your SO’s hobbies)but frankly im not that interested and it was a little obvious! or id ask pointless questions haha
Post # 12
@206: Yikes I feel so bad for you. Honestly I think I would hide the game from him and say you are serious about coming up with a compromise or you will not have a successful marriage. If he isn’t willing to do that, I would think about counseling because you cannot continue to feel neglected. I’m so glad SO doesn’t like video games, but we lived with a couple other guys in the past who played COD all the time so I understand how it can be.
Post # 13
@newname_99: Its funny that you say that, im new to the usa from the UK and not allowed to work yet… you describe it exactly, we are in the same room but totally separate.
I think he uses it as an excuse though – saying that i am just bored. But thats bullshit because i keep myself busy and just expect that a newlywed couple would be enjoying quality time together. Its a daily struggle and im so tired of fighting! But if i give up and ignore it then we are both neglecting the relationship
Thanks for the support, hoping to hear from more ladies in a similar position. Its really starting to get me down 🙁
Post # 14
Diablo 3 isn’t a game you can hide, and I think hiding it is a bad idea anyhow. Maybe spending time doing your own thing while he has his gaming time will make him miss doing things together? I also think making plans to do things out of the house might help. I used to be a “WoW widow” and I had to try to do similar things to get Fiance (then boyfriend) to spend some quality time with me. I eventually started playing and we enjoyed spending in-game time together as well. We play infrequently now, but we have struck a great game/life balance. It just takes time and patience and work on both sides!
Post # 15
@206: i do think it makes a difference being in our situation though – i think id ahve been less bothered by it back in england, as id have more of my own stuff going on – friends, job or whatever. i think when theres a sense of waiting for your fi/husband then you kind of expect more from them when they come home. ,and as newly weds theres even more pressure for things to be ‘perfect’, even more so than when you’re only dating/engaged
my fi used to think being in the same room counts as couple time even if he was watching spanish programs on tv that i cant follow. he was genuinely suprised when i wanted a little bit more interaction =) men do think differently to women, its a cliche but mostly true
its hard…i read advice columns etc, and they all vary. some basically say wait issues out, others say have a sort of “intervention” type thing when you are supposed to communicate everything and resolve everything instantly. who knows!
id give it a bit of time. my fi is currently stroking his new assasins creed game (literally, its closed and sealed but hes holding it and stroking it) so theres a good chance im about to be in the same position as you again, even if only temporarily!
Post # 16
A lot of these responses are things I would do to my kid (if I had one) – like hiding it (aka taking it away) or setting time limits. I think the more important thing to do is to use the time where he’s doing something by himself to go ahead and do something for yourself. “Me” time is very important. And, I think better than setting time limits would be setting day limits. My Fiance and I have found that “No Computer Tuesdays” works and during football season, he gets Sundays to do whatever he wants and I get Saturday to do whatever I want and we have to go along with what the other person wants. So, Sundays, we always watch football and Saturdays, I always plan great dates for us. No complaints allowed. I feel like this type of compromise is a lot more fair than “putting your foot down” and “setting time limits” or expecting him to just understand that you’re feeling like he should want to spend more time with you by sitting down and explaining it.
I would just say “DH, you might not realize how much you’re playing this game, but you’re playing it enough that it bothers me and makes me feel like it’s affecting our relationship. I’d really appreciate it if we could come up with a solution where some days neither of us is allowed to play on the computer or go online, etc.” And see where that takes you.