(Closed) Video game ruining our marriage..

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

My husband and I “play” skyrim together.  Not every night, but maybe once or twice a week.  I look up quest walk-throughs, potion recipes, and gaming tips for him on my computer while he plays.  It’s a way to spend time together while he stills gets his game on, and it’s actually fun for me too!

Post # 48
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I understand you fully, when I first moved in with my boyfriend at the time, now fiance, he was addicted completely to the xbox, mainly gears of wars uugghh that game would disgust me completely, but after a while i got used to it and to the point that it didnt bothered me as much, but instaed i gave him a bite of his own meal, and I got into watching certain programs and he didnt like them, after i tortured him enough like he did to me although by that time i was already sort of used to his games and him playing until 2am, we finally settled things and dedicated more time for each other, so every once in a while he would play and it wouldnt bother me in the least. Look at it from the bright side, I would rather have him playing gears all night long than him being out on a guys night out… 😉

Post # 49
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

What’s worked for us is having a few nights a week where I watch garbage tv and shop and hang out with friends while he plays and then the rest of the nights we do something together. The free pass to totally binge a few nights a week seems to satisfy him.

Post # 50
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My husband has recently gotten into gaming after a 2 year hiatus. I told him that excessive gaming is unacceptable and a deal breaker for me, so he manages his time very well (when Im not at home or when Im busy doing chores..but he always asks if its okay). Boundaries. 

Post # 51
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I suggest you get your own hobbies. If he is going to be playing video games all night there is no reason for you to be there breathing  over his shoulder. Go out and have fun, get drinks with your friends, get massages/facials/manicures. Make it clear to him that if he wants to spend time with you it’s going to have to be time WITH you, not in front of the xbox

Post # 52
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

View original reply
@MsNarwhal: He is well trained! Good job! 🙂

Post # 53
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Milo,since you’re the gamer in the relationship, you may be unaware of the amount of time that is taken away from the marriage. 1 person shouldn’t be trying to make a marriage/relationship work.  Additionally, things should never come before your spouse.  I don’t think anyone has asked for 100% of their spouse’s attention.  It’s actually not very healthy to need 100%.  Both people should have alone time.  But, when alone time outweighs together time, there’s a problem.  It would be interesting to actually see the percent of time gaming compared to the percent of time a gamer spends with their spouse.  Many of these games keep people playing for hours on end without being aware of how much time their on.  In all cases, it’s important to monitor your time in whatever you do. Too much of anything can become an “illness” 

Post # 54
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My husband and I both get like this when we get our hands on an addicting game. We will literally spend hours on it and not feel ashamed. Alot of these games are like puzzles and if you are a person that LOVES puzzles then expect to be consumed. You might not win any actual money from playing it, but there is a sense of satisfaction that comes from mastering a crafting tier or collecting all the pieces to your magic armor set. It is hard to explain the feeling, but it is not much further from beating your friend in Scramble or trying to fully solve that crossword puzzle. There really is no point, but we do it anyway!

Quest Giver, “Okay you got me the fairy dust x 100 that I needed, great! Now I need you to travel all the way across the world and into a dangerous hour long dungeon to get me this one cup. Oh by the way, you might die a few times.”

For him, it is Call of Duty Zombies. For me, Skyrim. It is hard to not get yourself lost in that world. He finds joy in blasting more zombies then his friends. I prefer to take my time and enjoy huge worlds full of new things to be discovered.

HOWEVER, if one of us wants attention or it is time for dinner. The game got turned off. The zombies and dragons can wait.

Maybe this is also just a faze? I was on Skyrim non-stop for awhile until I got alittle bored and now only go on once in awhile. I still have yet to beat that game, seriously. All this talk though makes me want to go put some arrows in some bandits.

Try talking to him without it turning into a fight and keep us updated!

Post # 55
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

 

If you didn’t sign up for it why did you marry him?

 I’m responding to this cause my fiancé is the same way he wakes up plays games all day and then goes to bed. I feel left out and angry I’ve talked to my fiancé about it many times, but when it comes down to it that’s just what he loves to do. He works hard to pay the bills, he loves me unconditionally, and would stop a bullet for his step Son and me. I have put aside my own selfishness and found a hobby for myself.

 My fiancé soon to be husband who supports me in anything I want to do, and I will support him even though I may not always agree on how much he plays his games, I respect his space. We still have an amazing relationship we talk about our feelings openly we make time for a date every 6 months if we’re lucky enough  and when I want to spend time with him I tell him “hey i miss you lets watch TV tonight then the next day you play your games” .I just learned to accept him and his hobby for what it is.

I think you should try talking to him again tell how you feel, tell him you feel ignored and perhaps the two of you could compromise a little. 

Trust me I know how you are feeling. But after you talk to him and the two of you still don’t have any intimacy and connection than perhaps he need to wake up and smell the coffee cause if you’ve talked to him before and then again and again and still no compromise than that’s not being a team player with you.  He’s your husband and should respect that. 

Keep trying and good luck.

Post # 56
Member
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

I am on the bee too much… so yeah, it’s not only “games”… Oh,he just drove up now, gotta go!Tongue Out

Post # 57
Member
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

View original reply
@happyface:  haha!

Post # 58
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

This might have already been said, and I don’t mean to be rude, but hiding the game?  Setting a timer?  Your husband is an adult and if communicating with him doesn’t work that’s a problem.  He works, it sounds like.  I myself game, and if for one second my SO suggested a timer for me… Well, I’d be flabbergasted.

I would make plans, invite him to things, state you’re unable to cancel reservations.  I would also develop some things to distract yourself.  New games come out, new lots of things relating to hobbies… It’ll happen.  It sounds like he gets up and goes to work.  If you had said (which maybe you have in some response) that he isn’t even getting up for work or his work is suffering and he’s been reprimanded, that’s a different story…  

But the game fad will fade.  It *will* get old.  That just may not be on your time-table and there are going to be interests you develop that you won’t want to set aside on his time-table.  I just sort of can’t fathom telling a grown man, “I’m setting a timer for this activity for you.”  Diablo III is pretty addictive but it’s not World of Warcraft… It’s got a linear storyline and I think some of the allure of it will wear off.  I think in the divorces attributed to video-gaming you’ll see poor work performance, taking its toll on good parenting…etc.  It sounds like you guys are newlyweds.  Is he neglecting the home, the children?  He just wants to come home from work and chill with it.

But honestly, you should be able to sit him down and talk to him and if sitting him down doesn’t work, that’s another issue that fixes that work on kids won’t repair.  I also sort of respectfully disagree that alone time outweighing together time in a given day/week/month is immediately bad.  There is one thing I realized when I wasn’t the gamer in the relationship – the time I had to spend alone seemed to be bother me almost out of jealousy – because I didn’t have something I found equally engrossing to do.  I think the assertion that game > relationship is false.  I’d wager your husband loves you and would defend you to the death but he just enjoys this right now.

And I’m sort of weary of the statement that your ex had a problem with video games and he knew you didn’t like them.  It’s sort of like, “You knew about this, you can’t do it.”  I think it’s rare to find a man who would say, “I hate that she has ABC hobby…”  Usually they’re pleased if we have independent interests, and I think they love us just as much.  And if someone was fighting with me everyday over my hobbies it wouldn’t encourage me to be closer to that person.

 

Post # 59
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Grown men shouldn’t be wasting their time on video games. I actually left my first husband over gaming. He was into MUDs (that was actually where we met- I played, too) and it got to the point that he was lying to me about how much time he was spending on it and he was spending a ton of money on internet cafes and lying about that, too. Then I found out he was being expelled from his university program because he wasn’t going to class and he lied to me about that, as well. He was quite literally addicted to this game. I understand the appeal of it and why it is so addictive, but there comes a point where you can’t just live this fantasy life on the computer. You have to grow up and take care of shit in real life. And he just didn’t understand that.

I disagree with the people who say you should just join him in his gaming. It’s not about sharing a hobby. It’s about the fact that he spends WAY too much time playing, to the detriment of things that are really important, like his relationship with you. He needs to grow up and engage in some time management and make real life his priority. If he wants to play some, fine. If he’s playing to the extent that it’s driving a wedge between you and he doesn’t even notice or care, that’s a serious problem that needs to be dealt with and he needs to be willing to put in the effort to make things right. There is something very wrong about a man who would rather play a video game than have sex with his wife. I don’t blame you one bit for feeling resentful. Heck, I feel resentful on your behalf!

Post # 61
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@206:  I didn’t mean to imply that your husband has taken it to ridiculous extremes (although ignoring you in favour of the game is bad enough). That remark was based on other people I have known who became so involved in their gaming that it literally was the only life they had. The worst case I knew was a guy who was top notch in the game, but his wife had left him and taken the kids, he’d lost his job, he was being evicted… and he didn’t even care, as long as he could keep gaming. It was literally all he did. I knew others in similar predicaments to varying degrees. In most cases, they were people who had lives that objectively sort of sucked and used the gaming as escapism. But plenty of them also had lives that were well worth living.

After I married my first husband, I quit gaming and went to work and finished school and tried to do my part to make a future for us. It deeply hurt me that he was not only unwilling to contribute to that, but also that he was lying to me left and right. It probably would have hurt less if he cheated on me with another woman than him cheating on me with a computer. It just got worse and worse and I left him after about a year. Last I heard, nothing has changed, so I have no regrets about leaving. I’m not saying you should leave your husband, of course. You’re newlyweds and it doesn’t sound like this is a lifelong habit of his, so I’m hopeful you can work it out with him. The fact that you say he is getting better about it is a good sign.

The topic ‘Video game ruining our marriage..’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors