Post # 1
Hi busy bees,
I would like to get some thoughts on an issue that has come up as of late. My fiance has one son (6 years) with his ex. They were never married, never owned a home together. We have been together for almost 5 years, and will be getting married next September, 2015.
She has been constantly trying to make out lives difficult at particular junctures, namely life decisions ie. Bought our house. My fiance and her have joint custody of their son, though he primarI’ll spends more time with her.
IMO our wedding and anything to do with the wedding is none of her business. Other than the fact my step son will be attending she has no involvement whatsoever. She has told my fiance that my step son has told her that we are getting married, and surprise, surprise, in the same breath states she is planning a trip and so would like to know the date.
To clarify and provide context, she recently was pregnant and had another child, and also moved about another 45 mins away from us. During the time that she was expecting to give birth she asked us not to plan to go away (cottage) as the baby may be born any time. Of course, we respected this. Though we learned maybe two months before the due date and her wishes.
I don’t feel that we need to tell her the date so early in advance (we booked our venue a week ago), however I am concerned she is actually going to go through with planning the trip, and though I feel we would make sure my step son is at our wedding out of precedence – I want to avoid any more drama concerning her and OUR day.
Post # 2
How is it sabotage for her to want to know the date of the wedding that her son is expected to be in?
Post # 3
Why are you creating drama? All she wants to know is your planned wedding date so that she doesn’t book a trip for her son during that time. Why is that such a big deal? Sounds like you are the one with the issues here not her.
Post # 4
I must be missing something… I don’t see the big deal about her request?
She says she’s planning a trip, and some big overseas trips can be planned months or even a year or so in advance.
Sounds to me that on the off-chance your wedding happens to occur during her planned trip, she’d like to avoid that?
Post # 5
First of all, your wedding is not the priority. The kid is. Would it suck balls for her to use him against you and plan a trip that coincides with your wedding? Yes. But fighting with each-other over it would be worse for the kid. And that’s your answer to avoiding more drama concering her and YOUR day–avoid it. She can’t stop you from getting married; she can’t have power over you if you refuse to play the game.
Two, your FI’s relationship with his ex is none of your business. Because they have a kid together and they have the responsibility of raising him in joint custody. Your job as a stepmother is to focus on being a good stepmother.
Three, why are you assuming that she is asking about the date early so she can do some sort of shenanigans? Considering she’s planning a trip, which involves a lot of moving parts (getting time off work, airfare costs, seasonal weather, etc.), I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to ask you for a date; I think it’s unreasonble for you to withhold that information from her if you know what it is. That sounds petty on your part.
Post # 6
rosssr85: If either of the following are true, it’s in your best interest to tell her the date:
- Your wedding is not during your fiance’s parenting time, OR
- The custody arrangement allows the ex to take the boy on a trip, even if it interferes his dad’s parenting time
Post # 7
Pretty sure she’s not being vindictive… sorry she wanted her son to be around for the birth of his brother? ummm this woman will be in your life as long as his son is, so get used to it.
Post # 8
Like everyone else, I don’t really see the problem with her wanting to know the date. Maybe she is trying to be real nice to make sure that she doesn’t schedule the trip at the same time as she realizes that their son being at his father’s wedding is important.
Post # 9
rosssr85: You have two options:
- tell her the date- she goes ahead and books her trip
- don’t tell her the date-she goes ahead and books her trip
If you don’t tell her the date, and her trip conflicts with your wedding, you have only yourselves to blame.
If you tell her the date (in writing) and she deliberately books her trip in conflict with your wedding plans, your Fiance can argue that she is being obstructive in family court, and you will have evidence that she knew the wedding date before she booked.
What about this is so difficult for you to understand?
Post # 10
rosssr85: I’m with PPs here. Her asking for the date is the opposite of her sabotaging your wedding. She is planning to go on a trip and wants to know when the wedding is because he son will have to be there. What’s wrong with that?
Post # 11
There’s not really a problem here. Tell her the date.. she isn’t asking for details, just a date.
Post # 12
And topic in the trash in 3…2….1….
Post # 13
I think the issue is, OP is afraid if she tells the date, the ex will deliberately book her trip FOR that date, just to be obstructive, or do have some other kind of emergency/issue that will cause the stepson to not be able to attend the wedding. OP has said the ex has been trying to make her life difficult, and people HAVE been known to do shitty, vindictive things to exes before.
OP, I would give the ex a date range. Something like, “We’re looking at dates between Sept 15 and Sept 25 of next year. We’d like to plan for Stepson to be with us during that time, because we’ll have family in town leading up to the wedding and of course I hope he can meet and spend extra time with everyone. So I hope you can plan your trip around that time period!”
That way, you give her a heads up without having to tell her the exact day of the wedding. It’s highly unlikely she will be able to pull off an “emergency” that would cause your stepson to have to be with her, or whatever you’re worried she will do to sabotage your wedding, every day for a whole 2 weeks.
Post # 14
Sounds like you know the date so why not just tell her just in case she really does want to plan a trip?
Post # 15
+1 I don’t think that the ex is sabotaging anything…