(Closed) Vindictive ex deliberately sabotaging my wedding!

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2851 posts
Sugar bee

Someone seems spoiling for a fight, and it doesn’t read to me that it is the ex…..

Post # 32
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
rosssr85:  

Is there a reason why you wanted to seek the attention of as many readers as possible?

I’m asking because of your “flashy headlines” comment. 

Post # 33
Member
6297 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Tread lightly, OP, especially if it somehow involves your DH’s child. If you are prone to unnecessary drama, like you are showing here, it won’t be long before your DH realizes who’s the problem.

Post # 34
Member
9528 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This thread is just so

Post # 35
Member
1226 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I emphasize with you. My fiance’s ex-wife is manipulative also. So I can guess the drama that you and your fiance have suffered.  I am in a similiar situation with our marriage October 2015.  We opted not to have his children in the wedding and to have no attendants to avoid forcing his girls to have to choose between their parents.  Maybe you should ask her when she is planning her trip and get a date from her first.  I don’t think that she needs to know a year in advance so that she can dwell on it. Will you be paying for the child’s outfit and alteration?  Will she be expected to drive the child to the event then take them home afterward?  Will she be invited to your wedding?  These our conversations that you will need to have.  My fiance and his ex can’t be in the same room without escalating into an argument.  Hopefully your fiance has a better relationship with his ex and you can work out the details.

Post # 36
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You ou can always ask it back at her if you’re worried. I agree with most posters that you ‘re overreacting TBH… Yeesh. But try it the below method!

 

“When were you thinking of doing your trip? Oh, July is totally fine!”

“When were you thinking of doing your trip? July? That could be a bit sticky, the wedding is on the 18th.”

Post # 37
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Wow — your FI’s ex asked your Fiance to stick around town to take care of his own kid while she was in the hospital and unable to take care of him?  She wanted her child’s father to take care of his responsibility?  God, what a bitch. 

(^^^That was sarcasm for those of you who weren’t sure)

 Seriously, though … you should say to her “What date is your trip?  We can work around that to secure that the child is there for the wedding.”.  Put her in the position to name the date.  i bet it won’t be close to your date at all. 

And, really … this is a time when you should try working with this woman instead of creating faux drama.  You don’t know that she’s going to plan her trip on your wedding day.  You’re assuming she is.  Hows about you give her the benefit of the doubt?

I don’t see any sabotaging going on.  At least not yet. 

Post # 38
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
rosssr85:  OK so depsite what everyone else is saying ( Which I DO agree of from what you gave us) here are my thoughts that may be productive??? idk maybe we will see? 

ok.. If IIII were in your shoes I would tell her the date and state it in a very matter of the fact but respectfulway like “Our wedding will be on  ___________ date We need your your/our son there it is the most important thing to us. I hope this helps with you trip planning so that we can gurantee your/our son will be there.”  

with that being said if she tries to plan a trip during that time make sure you insist that he stays with guys or grandparents while she (& only she) is gone.

being spiteful will only fuel her fire and although it seems like it will make you feel better to be hateful it will be way more productive to just go along with her small requests (pick your battles) it will make you happier her happier and MOST importantlly the boy happy (that is what counts in the long run you are getting married into this family she will be part of ot for the rest of your lives) 

Post # 39
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

View original reply
gillykat824:  I agree, I don’t see what all the unnecessary drama is about houses and all this. Rosssr85 I mean this to be helpful advice not just to criticize but I think you’re feeling insecure and it’s causing you to view your fiance’s ex as competition- you point out that they were never married, they didn’t purchase a home together etc. They share a past and a child together-the fact that they seem to be mature enough to put aside their differences to co-parent is a credit to your fiance’s character, please don’t do anything to spoil this. He’s chosen to marry YOU, if you allow yourself to view his ex as a rival you’ll allow pettiness and insecurity and vindictiveness to overshadow all the good qualities in you he fell in love with. The ex truly doesn’t seem to be causing trouble for your wedding, give her the benefit of the doubt. Be the bigger person here- welcome your stepson into your life (and even his sibling if you can find it in your heart), be tactful and gracious when dealing with the ex, focus on your present relationship not your fiance’s past. You’ll be a happier person and your new hubby will see how you’ve handled all this and think what a great woman he married.

Post # 40
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

What if she asks for the date she is traveling and the ex doesn’t know. If it’s so far away, I’m sure she hasn’t booked a trip yet and won’t have a date to tell.

Also, I don’t get how she will be vindictive by knowing the date? I’m really curious to know what you think she will/could do. So what if she knows. Let her dwell on it, who cares. You know her best, but from an outsider looking in, just looks like she wants to book a trip and wants to guarantee that she doesn’t do it on the weekend of your wedding. And if this is indeed all a lie that she made up to know your date, then she’s pathetic and miserable and let her dwell all she wants. 

Post # 41
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

omg you’re all so judgmental. how can you know what op has had with this woman before? it seriously seems to me that you all are like “everyone here has stupid problems but me, because every woman other than me is looking out to create drama”. just try to be supportive and so what if she is overreacting a little? this woman is concerned about her stepson being there, and it’s her wedding day. and have you never felt someone had something else planned when they asked or told you something that looked completely innocent? of course, but I guess it’s because you’re all unique snowflakes who would never ever create drama out of nothing.

Post # 42
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
imnotgettinmarried:  

You are right that we don’t know about the OP’s past with her fiance’s ex. However, we do know what she has posted on this forum and we are free to give our honest opinions on the situation. Nobody has even insinuated that everyone else’s problems are stupid, so I would love to know where you are getting that from. 

What constitutes a serious problem is highly subjective. I feel that the OP’s fiance’s ex is being very reasonable and accomodating. Perhaps the OP is sensitive about her fiance’s ex having so much history with the man she loves. It happens all the time and it is nothing to be ashamed of. 

 

Post # 43
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
imnotgettinmarried:  Caution is merited here.  If the ex merely wants to know the date to avoid planning the trip, which is a very reasonable assumption, validating this OP to the point where she raises a fuss over nothing and then creates real trouble in her life is not being supportive. 

All we have to go on is what the OP has told us–which is that the ex wants to know the dates for what appears to be an eminently sensible reason (to make the son available), but that this is troubling to the OP because of some vague and unspecified difficulties the ex has caused.  We are not mind readers, so we can’t get an understanding of what these troubles might be or how merited the OP’s claims about the ex are.  All we have is a situation that seems to have a perfectly logical and drama-free explanation/solution/course of action and the OP has not given any specific reasons as to why that reasonable explanation/solution/course of action can’t possibly be valid or won’t work.

Post # 44
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

amiona and MarriedToMyWork make great points. If I posted something on here and the majority of people told me I was over-reacting, I would feel relieved to think maybe I’m worrying over nothing. Maybe it would allow me to look at the situation through fresh eyes- because it’s hard to judge our own actions sometimes, we can lose our objectivity when we’re emotional and too close to the situation. But first and foremost, I would want Bees here to be honest with me. This is a place we can vent about such things and receive valuable feedback- and honesty is one of the ingredients that makes the feedback so valuable. Sometimes telling someone they’re over-reacting can actually help them, not hurt them.

Post # 45
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Ugh don’t be a bratty princess bride. Just plan your wedding, tell the poor kid’s mom your wedding date, and move on. 

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