(Closed) violent because of me…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really dont know what to say anymore, I just dont get it. This is unfortunately not the first time it happens, in the past I was locked outside my own house or even a room, found all my cloths on the floor and so on.

While this is disrespectful, this is not violence. Either way, if your wife is exploding violently or otherwise, it is not your fault nor your responsibility. The only answer is leaving or counseling as this sort of thing is very difficult to deal with otherwise.

Post # 4
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Based on your previous post (yesterday) I would say that your Wife has Anger Management Issues… that push your buttons.  That is pretty normal.  People don’t like to be disrespected, yelled at etc.

I haven’t enough info on how you guys argue, but it sounds to me like as they say “you guys don’t fight fare”.

Counselling could help you to learn how to do that.

BUT based on Yesterday’s post, I’d say she does sound that she is borderline Abusive… she is beginning to show the tendencies where Abuse starts (I say this having lived in an Abusive Relatonship for years & years)

Hope this helps,

By The Way.. Most Abusers use this “it is all your fault” line as an excuse to why they cannot control their anger / behavior.  So she is right on track for being a classic Abuser.  You guys really truly need help.  If you goes with you great.  If she won’t go on your own.  And if she won’t change within a prescribed period of time (I posted about that yesterday)… OR if she actually does get physically violent with you… then you need to pack it in and call it a day / done.

Take care of you (( HUGS ))


Post # 5
9680 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

The only thing in life we can control is our own reactions. No one can make you violent or anything else; you choose how to respond to any given situation. She is the only person who is at fault for her own behaviour and it doesn’t sound like she wants to change. 

Post # 6
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

View original reply
@MrsPanda99:  +1.

Post # 7
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You never deserve to be abused. Never. Of course you might push people’s buttons, make them upset, disappoint them, but it’s never an excuse for abuse.

Post # 8
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 1993

Unfortunately, her statement is a true indicator for either verbal or physical abuse.  They always want to make their behavior your fault somehow.  Someone else’s behavior is never your fault.  You need help, whether it is both of you or just you, and that help is available in your comunity.  Hugs to you.

Post # 9
982 posts
Busy bee

@ryo:  That is the typical response of an abuser “if you didn’t do [action], I wouldn’t abuse you”, making it seem that the abuse is in some way your fault. It’s not your fault. People are responsible for their own actions. You could walk on eggshells for the rest of your life, and she’d still find a way to blame you for treating you badly. It’s not your fault, nor should you put up with it.

Post # 10
1369 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@ryo:  Repeat after me:

this. is. not. my. fault


She is minipulating (sp?) you. Classic emotional abuse. In my previous relationship that became violent, everything was my fault – when in reality it was my boyfriend at the time being crazy (and making me feel crazy)

I promise, her violent/abusive (physical and mental) are not your fault. Look up the cycle of abuse online, sounds like it fits your situation.

If you aren’t happy, leave. I know it’s not that simple, but you need to start taking the steps to remove yourself from a toxic situation.

Post # 12
1369 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@ryo:  It stinks because both people have to sign, but sounds like the process is easier than in the US. Good luck. It might be happening infrequently right now, but from experience it will get more frequent, more violent, and harder to pull yourself out of the verbal attacks.

Post # 13
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ryo:  You each need to own your own behavior. Her lack of ability to control her anger is not your fault. That said, if you yourself are arguing in an inappropriate way, you need to own up to and control yourself too. 

I think you both need to try to recognize when an argument is getting out of control and agree to walk away and come back together when you can talk calmly.

Get counseling.

Post # 14
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@ryo:  I’m curious… What exacy are you doing that she says “pushes her over the edge”???

For me to lock someone out of a house and throw their clothes out would require infidelity, significant lying, staying out all night or something similar that would be a deal breaker in my book. I’ve not actually lashed out like that, but I can imagine being angry enough to do so in any of those situations. Fortunately, I can control my anger. Some people have a harder time doing so, and need therapy to help them. While these things she is doing seem more like a type or emotional abuse, it sounds like it may be working both ways and that you guys just may bring out the worst in each other. It’s easy for everyone to place blame on her only having heard one side of the story.

Now, if she is locking you out and throwing your clothes around because you didn’t take the trash out… Well, that’s a different story and would require her to get quite a bit of help. You married her for better or for worse, so to now debate divorcing her because it’s “so simple”, versus trying to find help for both of you first is pretty crappy.

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