(Closed) Virgin at 40?

posted 7 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 3
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

I say good for her! I think when she finds the right guy he will be honored. Sex is so personal, I don’t think that it is anyone’s business how long you decide to wait.

Post # 4
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Is there any reason why she is waiting to get married? Or she just hasnt met the right guy? The fact that she is a virgin doesnt make much difference but if she wants to have kids, I would advice her that now is a good time to get serious about settling down because some women arent very fertile after 40

Post # 5
Member
1175 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Please tell her not to worry!  It will be very, very special for her and her future husband.  —> “a nice man who truly respects her will not mind” Not only will he not mind, the right man will be blown away for finding such a treasure and he will respect her very much for that in itself.

Saving myself for my future husband was something that was very important to me for personal and religious reasons. Before I even started dating, I was worried because I wanted to find someone that this was important to as well…and as you say, society doesn’t place much value in virginity.  When I met my husband and started dating him, he somewhat shyly confessed to me that he had been “waiting” until he met the right girl and got married.  So Darling Husband (29) and I (25) were both virgins on our wedding night. It was very special and we are both so glad to be each other’s first!

That being said, her age could definitely be a factor in fertility…

Post # 6
Member
7295 posts
Busy Beekeeper

this reminds me of my friend who was a virgin until she was 29. i know that is not the same as 40, but its was just her whole life she never had a serious boyfriend (she never even kissed a boy until she was 29!), and she was career focussed and some of us wondered if she would be a 40 year old virgin!  Finally at like 28, she started putting herself out there actively, on dating website etc and just taking more chances (with much time spent talking to me about how to resond/act in certain situations. i realized she just didn’t even know how to flirt and was probably coming off as standoffish to men, even though she wanted to get close. she must have had some internal anxiety about it. though, like i said, she forced herself to loosen up AND she met a guy who was patient and respected her. In fact, after a few months of them dating, she had to be the one to bring up having sex because she really wanted to and we think he was waiting until she was ready…she was!

Post # 7
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I think she’s perfectly fine! If I met her, she would not be the first virgin in her late 30s, 40s, or even very late 40s/may have been 50. I recently led a workshop (I’m a sex educator) and after I was done, I stayed around to talk to people if they wanted to. One guy lingered behind, and it turns out he is in his early 40s and a virgin. He wanted to wait for the right person, and thinks the girl he is dating now is it. He just was very unsure of himself and didn’t know how to tell her. 

While I know my step dad was not a virgin when he met my mama, he was in his late 40s and had never been married. A fair amount of people (mostly family and my mom’s close friends) questioned why he had never been married – and to be fair, I did too for a bit (I was in my early 20s and very protective of my mom). He and I talked about this recently and I get the idea that he waited for a while to be sexually active as well. he is a very sweet and intelligent guy and never married b/c he wanted to wait for the right person. He dated a few people long term, and told me that very early on w/ my mom he knew she was the one. I think it’s actually sweet that he waited for that perfect person. 

NOt sure if any of this will help, but people are waiting longer to get married, and also later to have planned pregnancies (50% of the pregnancies in the US are unplanned ,but the planned ones tend to be later on). Not sure about her academic level, but for women, the more degrees we have ,the later we wait to get married and have children. Sadly, women’s w/ PhDs (what I’m working on!) tend to be least likely to marry. 

A good point PPs brought up is her fertility. Women are born w/ all the eggs that they will ever have. You had more eggs when you were 16 than you do now. Since they age w/ you, there are sometimes problems. There are also issues w/ some of her other reproductive organs w/ age. While fertility does start to decline after the age of 27 (on average) in women, that is an average and is not a hard & fast rule for all women. I have a very good friend who is 35 or 36 and is pregnant now. It took a little longer to conceive (vs a lot of our friends), but she is doing well. If she gets pregnant now or in the future, she may be a higher risk pregnancy. Also, any pregnancy over the age of 35 or so (depending on where you get your info it is either 35 or 40) runs a higher risk of issues such as Down’s Syndrome.

Post # 8
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Virgin or not, if she wants biological children, the clock is ticking Frown. I’m sure she’s already aware of this, though. Is she open to adoption? I think it would be terrible to rush into a relationship to try and have bio kids asap before the fertility window closes.

Post # 9
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Good for her for sticking to her principles and waiting til she feels ready. At the same time though, she’s 40 and wants to be married and have kids but has never had a serious relationship–something tells me there might be something other than virginity that is standing in the way.  I agree that a good man will be fine with her waiting (absolutely), but since she has never had a serious boyfriend is there something else going on that is stopping her?  Waiting for a great man to have sex is wonderful, but waiting for him to find you without actively trying to find him is only going to make it harder.

Post # 11
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

The fact that she hasn’t had a relationship is actually what concerns me more.  Like bearlove said, I think there is more going on.  As her friend, it might be worth suggesting that she go to a dating coach/life coach/therapist to discuss what she is looking for and any issues she thinks are getting in the way.  

My guess is that something is holding her back.  And if she wants to have kids without  intervention or additional risk, unfortunately the clock may be ticking.  

 

Post # 12
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@bearlove: agree

If you want to be married and have kids and aren’t actively doing something about it, there is a reason. Until she figures out that reason, she will always find something wrong with the other person. It’s her protective shield. She can’t get hurt if there is something wrong with the other person. 

If she wants to have kids, have her freeze her eggs. I’m 41 (met at 39, married at 40, TTC at 41) and it’s super difficult. At her rate, even if she meets someone tomorrow, it’ll be years before she is ready to move forward. If she freezes her eggs, she at least has options.

Post # 13
Member
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Tell your friend to hold on to her values and maintain her standards and beliefs, regardless of how old she may be when she meets the right man. I was a virgin when I married in my 40s, and I am so very thankful to God for His grace and protection that allowed me to wait to have that type of relationship for the first time with my husband on my honeymoon.

I dated a lot when I was younger and had a handful of long-term relationships — some lasting more than two years, and I was even engaged once before Darling Husband, but I broke that engagement when I was 30 years old once I realized that the relationship was not God’s plan for my life.  After that, I determined that I was going to wait for God’s plan, and His best, for my life, no matter how long I had to wait.  I can say that God did not disappoint me.  Darling Husband is a Godly, wonderful, intelligent, funny, witty, very good-looking man. And, he has children who have enriched my life immensely.  I am very glad that I waited and did not just “settle” for someone when my age reached a certain number or when my biological clock was ticking at its loudest. 

Post # 14
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Brielle: But it sounds like she isn’t waiting because of her spiritual beliefs. It sounds like she just hasn’t found anyone and is using flimsy excuses as to not date someone. I’m not saying she should just get laid. Yes, she should wait. But I have to suspect that there is more there…

 

Post # 15
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Is your friend sure she’s not gay. I had a friend who was a virgin until her early 30’s (and still is, as far as being with a guy). She very much had crushes on guys, but no one quite fit her standards. A few years after we lost touch, I hear through the grapevine, she figured out she is gay. 

Post # 16
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I have friends in their 40’s who are virgins.  Is she really worried that she’ll turn off the man she’s supposed to be with when he finds out?  On the contrary, I think you can more easily weed out men who only want sex and not the commitment or long-term relationship.  

Moreso than the having sex topic, I think she’s crazy if things like male-pattern baldness are a deal breaker for her.  I’m all for dating someone you find physcially appealing and have chemistry with, but it sounds like her expectations could be a little skewed and perhaps why she hasn’t had a serious relationship.

I have a friend (also a virgin) that’s about to turn 38 and she sounds very similar to your friend.  Not in the case of being afraid the not having had sex thing is going to be an issue, but in being unrealistically picky about certain characteristics that would normally hold little weight in the big picture.  I honestly feel that until she comes to grips with those issues, she would make a pretty crappy partner. 

 

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