(Closed) Virgin Brides/Brides who Abstained-How did you make the mental switch?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 34
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

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@eagertowedanon23:  I personally didn’t obstain, but I will say that for most people who don’t abstain they don’t go straight from hand holding to sex, and that would stress me out too! being naked around someone for the first time can make you feel very vulnerable. if you guys aren’t ready to consumate on the first night that is absolutly fine! take your time to get to know each others bodies and what you like before jumping in! maybe talk to him about a plan for the wedding night, a lot of times couples are so exhausted after the long day that all they want to do is sleep anyways! I would focus on making your wedding night a romantic getting to know eachothers bodies night. if you are nervous and nit turned on sex will be more painful, so it is worth it to take your time!

Post # 35
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923 posts
Busy bee

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@eagertowedanon23:  I think she means exploring what kind of touch feels good on your body by yourself. which I would highly reccomend. I know some churches are very against this and some have a much more relaxed view. even if your church is against this usinga  mirror to get a better idea of your own anatomy can be very educational. 

Post # 37
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@eagertowedanon23:  Thanks! πŸ™‚ Okay so it depends how far you want to take this. As a caveat, I just want to apologize now if I am suggesting anything that doesn’t fit into your beliefs. And you can stop here wherever you want:

For myself, I think of my body as part of my spiritual experience- when I take a nice shower, when I have an awesome work out, when I practice yoga, when I have sex, when I eat food that’s delicious, when I get a good night’s sleep- all of these things can be sensual and spiritual and help me to appreciate G-d’s gifts and creation, many of which are in or accessed by the human body. I think of the body as a conduit between the world and the soul- it’s a major part of how the soul and the outside world of G-d’s creation communicate with each other. It’s like communication between creations of G-d. Thinking this way helps me appreciate the body and the senses. 

Here’s where I might start to explore my body: Start noticing the body. Notice how things feel. A good cup of coffee. A brisk evening walk. A deep breath. Just start to get in tune with your body and its feelings now- that will go a long way when you are trying to figure out what’s going on with your body in sex. 

Note: learn deep breathing. This really helps me relax in the moment in sex and let go of everything else. You might be able to google/youtube a tutorial of how to deep breathe. Or you could learn it in a yoga class like I did. A lot of therapists teach it too. Start practicing now. You can also use it to help relax for anything you’re nervous about in general! (like before you walk up the aisle, or a big presentation at work, etc.)

Also yoga has really helped me be mindful of what is happening in all the different parts of my body and appreciate it as a whole. And helps to deal with wedding planning stress!

If you want to go beyond practicing being in tune with your body, you can explore your body. If you want you keep your clothes on or practice being naked. Touch yourself anywhere and everywhere on your body, above or under your clothes, whatever you’re comfortable with. See what you like, what you feel neutral about, what you don’t like. This might sound like a really weird thing to do, but if you want to try it, it might help. It might help you acclimate to that kind of touch without experiencing it with another person under the pressure that comes from experiencing it with another person. If you’d like, touch yourself in your intimate areas, try different things, see how it is, be open to the possibilities. This can be a spiritual experience. I think G-d wants us to experience love, both for ourselves and for others, though I don’t know, since in my belief system G-d is ultimately incomprehensible to human beings.

What I am suggesting is kind of like practice beforehand to help you feel confident and comfortable in your body and your knowledge of your body because that is one important piece of being comfortable in sex. If some of this stuff doesn’t fit for you, then skip it!

Post # 38
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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@Moonbear17:  +1! Yes!

Post # 39
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Windstar on Naples bay

Ok I wanted to come in with some “stories” that may or not be helpful but I felt like sharing. I am 30, and my now husband is 32. Both of us come from Catholic families, his more devote then mine. Both of us virgins until our wedding day two weeks ago. I was in a long term relationship before I dated/wed my husband. My ex was religious as well and wished to abstain as well. For most of that relationship we simply kissed, but soon our desire took us further… basically what I’m saying is that I ended up doing all lot of things and to some folks definition of sex I am/was not a virgin on my wedding day… BUT (and I’m in no way condoning or suggesting this for you, your beliefs and your FI’s beliefs and morals should be more . Important) I’m glad things worked out the way they did. Basically my ex and I experimented with our bodies and figured out what things turned us on. He actually popped my cherry with our foreplay (which is basically what we did and is why done people would consider us not virgins but I never engaged in actual genetial penetration till my wedding night) 

But like I said I was glad for some of this. As a plus size girl I was extremely self confidant about my appearance. I hid my body for a long time till I grew comfortable with the experience… fast forward to my now husband. Being intimate with him was easier because I had already been exposed to a man, but I still struggle with feeling guilty that another man saw me before him. But the way my husband treats me while being intimate before and after we’ve been married was so magical it healed me. It was pure love which is why we felt that even though our religious background said what we were doing was wrong (we abstained more for moral beliefs then religious I might add) we felt it was ok. We were still holding out on the final key to our sexual intimacy for our wedding night. 

As we came closer to our wedding night we discussed our expectations of the night… I think that if you are marrying this man you should feel comfortable with your vulnerability with him. If you can’t discuss this how will you approach other possibly more important aspects? I think our prior intimacy made us far more comfortable with discussing our intimacy and our plans. I discussed with him things I had learned from my married friends (which I trusted and felt comfortable discussing things with.) who told me advice like the sex will not be mind blowing, use plenty of lube, being patient and laugh! All of which I think was valuable advice. 

But we discussed it and I told him to not be hurt if I didn’t get there the first time, to not be scared if I’m in pain or bleed, (which didn’t happen because this is something I think happened with my ex and is a bit of a regret of mine now) to not worry if it’s not terrific, or if you miss my entrance or anything else. Told him that it’s ok for it to be awkward, messy and we laughed and giggled and it was ok to cry… . And we did and it was magical because of it! 

Our first time was uneventful for me, but was magical for him. For this I regret exposing myself to my ex and feel happy that you have waited. But my husband made it magical, he comforted my worries and we cried together because we felt we were each other’s first. We laughed about trying to position us, and anything else that was awkward. We laughed nervously when we went and bought condoms (for the record I have never liked hormonal control, or any sort of insertions so we chose this even if it is frowned upon most religious beliefs. I felt it was the last invasive option that held the last amount of side effects for us both. I’m happy with our choice. This is something important you should discuss with your Fiance before the wedding. Some men feel strongly about certain things). The sex is getting better but it’s still not fantastic but because my husband makes me feel so loved and because we have been intimate before it wasn’t/hasn’t been disappointing.

So go slowly, if your afraid of a mess put a towel down underneath you guys, use lots of lube, is ok not to have it the first night, use the time to explore each other, it’s ok to laugh and feel emotional, it’s ok to make mistakes, and most importantly love each other and revel in the fact that your married! Enjoy the two of you! 

Hopefully my stories help in some way!

 

Post # 41
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@eagertowedanon23:  I think you’ll grow to accept it. I’m getting there. Though sometimes I’ll think midact, “Woah, what I am doing?! Is this ok?” But I keep getting better. I’m not sure if someone else said this or not, but just because it’s your wedding night and you feel like it’s “ok” to go all the way. You don’t have to. You can take baby steps. Most people do πŸ™‚ Work your way up to it.

Post # 42
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014 - Windstar on Naples bay

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@eagertowedanon23:  Honestly… the only way i got over it was just pushing myself a little each time we were remotly intimate. im pretty sure i started with just allowing myself to be comfortable with him touching me through my clothes, then under, then without like my tops and jeans… i regressed a little when it came to touching me down there, and at first it was done through my unbutton jeans and slipped under the under wear. (hopefully this isnt too graphic im just trying to be as informative as possible!) But for whatever reason i exposed my top half before the bottom half… i guess the one thing i was always content/happy with was my breast size. i still was self concious of it, but not as much as my thighs and belly and of course down there. 

But mainly i got over it because each man (even if my ex turned out not to be ideal for me) treated me with kindness and above all respect. if i felt uncomfortable, and decided i didnt want to be touched i said so and things either slowed down or stopped entirely. i felt guilty about it to an extent but at least i knew i was not being pushed into something i didnt want to do (which is the most important thing! Make sure your future husband understands that it is NEVER ok to force a woman to do something if she doesnt want too or isnt comfortable. because that just leads to all sorts of not cool things!) My husband is extremely caring and loving when it comes to this and even now that we have gone all the way, if im not in the mood or something for whatever reason hurts he stops almost automatically till i tell him either its ok or we discuss it. its important to note its not anyones fault when this happens (as long as someone isnt pushing someone beyound someones comfort zone) and its totally ok, to feel odd, off, or not in the mood. πŸ™‚

I hope this helps! πŸ˜€ and i’ll gladely answer any questions if youd like. Feel free to PM me. im enjoying being on the other side of MRS. because now i can help people and answer questions!

Post # 45
Bee
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

There’s so much great advice on this thread! I just wanted to add: talk to each other about everything that’s on your mind! Just because you’re abstaining from sex doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it! A lot of sexually active women are unhappy because they don’t speak up about what they want. When you’re married and live together, you will both be like an open book – I’ve been married a year and a half, and my husband and I tell each other absolutely everything. Don’t be shy!! 

Second – especially if you’re shy – think about buying some cute lingerie to wear once you’re married. He will probably love it, it’ll make you feel sexy, and shopping for lingerie now will start gearing you up for that part of your relationship that is soon to come. I bought some really cute lacy bras at Victoria’s Secret a couple months before our wedding, and I loved having something special to wear when we got back from our honeymoon!

Post # 46
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee

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@eagertowedanon23:  We are waiting til the wedding night as well (although we aren’t virgins). We have been abstinent for over 3 years – I can say we are both excitedly looking forward to the wedding night. 

First, I recommend getting comfortable with yourself first (as a PP suggested). Feel beautiful in your own skin! Embrace your sexuality. Fantasize about your future husband. I know you haven’t been intimate with him in any way, but think of how you would want it to be.

I would encourage you to sit down with your Fiance and really talk about it. Share your fantasies with him and ask him to share his with you. Set realistic expectations for the wedding night, so neither of you feel like its a letdown. I’m nervous that it will hurt, that I’ll be overly emotional, that we will be too tired, etc. But my Fiance knows all that, and I know that he is worried about certain things too.

Your future husband is probably worried or nervous too – share with each other and you will find yourself sharing an emotional intimacy that hopefully will allow an easier segway into physical intimacy.

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