(Closed) Virgin Brides/Brides who Abstained-How did you make the mental switch?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 62
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

We were a couple that waited for religious reasons. One thing that helped us break the ice on the intimacy conversation was talking about our views and options on contraception. By starting out talking about a more practical and less “sexy” sex topic, we were able to get past some of the initial awkwardness, and eventually we were able to have open conversations about the sexy topics.

The other thing to think about is depending on your contraception choice, you may need to start preparing several months before the wedding. Your body can take several  months to adjust and regulate on a birth control pill and the same for an IUD.

Post # 63
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It’ll probably be a learning experience for both of you for years. I lost my virginity at 18 and I’m 25 now and just within the past couple years have I really learned what I “liked” and gotten comfortable and this was after multiple (20+) partners. Expect some ups and downs, but always keep lines of communication open. It’s super important.

Post # 66
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I did not wait, not even remotely – but I thought I’d try and give a tiny bit of advice.  You can disregard it if you want.  ABout the shyness – that will be something that will dissipate with time, but I think we all go through moments of confidence and moments of self-consciousness.  Sometimes I feel sexy and confidant when intimate or nude with Fiance, and sometimes I just want to hide and feel mortified.  And that’s normal – so if you’re feeling self self conscious and its taking you time to adjust, don’t berate yourself.  That’s ok.  And he will probably be shy too and sometimes remembering that can help.

About getting yourself into the mindset…you have 11 ish months right?  So you can ease into it.  Maybe peruse the Intimacy boards on here.  Like a PP said, just take time to notice your body.  What makes you feel good – physically, mentally, emotionally.  Maybe buy a book about sex or intimacy?  It might seem a little shocking at first, but it’ll help shift your mind set or maybe ease your comfort level…

 

Post # 67
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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@eagertowedanon23:  about BC, if you choose the Pill, they recommend using a 2nd method of birth control for the first month until its effective.  For me, birth control pills made me really sick, like I couldn’t even make the 20 minute drive home without pulling the car over to vomit kind of sick… But I eventually found a pill that worked for me. 

I eventually tried a non-hormonal IUD.  Love it – not hormones going into my body so when we are ready to try for a baby, I can try immediately after having it removed.  Definitely explore all your options when you’re ready!! If you’re getting married in December, I would start looking at options in the summer and try and begin whatever method in September

Post # 69
Member
3 posts
Wannabee

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@eagertowedanon23:  I would go early in the summer personally. It took me several tries to find something that worked for me. You want to make sure you give yourself plenty of time if you need to explore. I tried one type of BC and it gave me horrible acne. Fortunately, I had enough time before the wedding to change types and everything was fine.

Post # 71
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

I understand and value your decsion to wait even though I did not.  But my advice to you, is def him on top, first time it goes much easier and smoother that way.  Let him do the work, and  communicate with him about how far to go and when to stop moving etc and you will be just fine.  AS another poster said, lots of lube, LOTS.  And let me tell you from experience, buy one that has no sugar alcohols in it, so many of them contain glycerin and things like that and yuck they often give you a yeast infection after using em.  Check out Wet Naturals glycerin free, paraben free lube and you can buy it online from drugstore.com and it will be delivered to your door in a brown unmarked box.  It is fabulous, and I have tried many, I swear by it.

Lastly, the first time will be akward but not that akward, this is your husband and you are safe with him, he will love you no matter what and he knows its your first time etc.  The thing about sex is, it is not that big of a deal, its one of those thigns that you worry about your whole life til you do it and then you realize, wait a sec, this is not what I expected at all lol.  It will be easier than you think, don’t worry and enjoy your last months of engagement:)

Post # 72
Member
7359 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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eagertowedanon23:  I know you mentioned in a previous post your mom was an MD? I’m really surprised to see she didn’t want you to use tampons because they might break your hymen? Surely as an MD she is well aware that everyday activities such as riding a bike or horse back riding can break a hymen? Anyway, I would encourage you to really just get familiar with your body and experiment on your own.

Post # 74
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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eagertowedanon23:  I only use tampons unless there are non on hand and I need it. I think it’s definitely a good idea to start using them to get an idea of what’s going on. Even better, you’ll know what it feels like where your opening is at so you can tell him, “Hey! You’re there, that’s the entrance!” 

I also just thought I’d share my story, although Fiance and I didn’t wait till marriage (I’m a bad Catholic that way). He and I met and started dating back in high school, but never did anything but kiss. Then, after graduating, we started slowly easing further into it, just touching over the clothes. We happened to go to college an hour away from each other and were both living away from our parents. With the distance, it made sense to stay the night as opposed to driving back and forth. Originally, he was going to take the couch or sleep on the floor so I could take the bed. However, I knew I wanted to kick it up a notch and sleep (like actually sleep) in the same bed. I went and bought myself some super cute pajamas for the occasion. Then, on a whim, I also bought a pretty bra and some matching underwear (note, most of my underclothes don’t match and are fairly plain). I figured I could decide once I got there if they’d make an appearance. I am a plus sized woman, so I wanted to make sure I looked my best in order to feel my best and feel comfortable and confident. That first night, I decided I did want them to make an appearance, but it all still went very slow; undressing each other, feeling each other out, etc. That evening we only went as far as manual stimulation.

The next day, though, I started feeling immensly guilty, like you, because of my religious upbringing. I didn’t regret that it happened, but I felt guilty that I hadn’t waited longer. I talked to Fiance about it. He’s not Christian, so he never got the whole abstinence talk (he was a virgin, though), but he understood that I was conflicted and assured me that we’d take things at whatever pace I felt comfortable. So, over time, through prayer and self reflection, I became comfortable and at peace with becoming more intimate. Sometimes, it was just sleeping together and not wearing pajama bottoms. Other times it was taking a shower together. It wasn’t until 4 months from that first night that I felt fully ready to have sex for the first time. It wasn’t BEST SEX EVER, but it was absolutely perfect for us and things have only gotten better since then.

On another note, somewhere in that 4 month span of time, there was an occasion where I’d taken my top off and was moving on to other things when he stopped me and said, “Hold on, let me look!” I was confused because he’d seen me topless before. It was then he informed me that all those times before he hadn’t been wearing his glasses or contacts and thus everything had been blurry (he’s practically blind without correction). It was the first time he’d actually seen my boobs. It was interesting. As self conscious as I normally would have been in that situation, he’d shown before that he loved me and my body, even without having actually seen it. 

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