(Closed) Visiting ILs Issue

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
3332 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Nope, I’m on your side. As a grown, married adult, he should be siding with his spouse, not his mommy. Shes trying to manipulate him and make herself the most important woman in his life, and thats not fair to you if hes not standing up for your relationship. And throwing you under the bus? Wtf man. Not acceptable! You guys are supposed to be a team!

Post # 3
4143 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I kind of get why the stuff when they visited is annoying (although having someone cook dinner and buy me stuff I want sounds awesome). 

But I don’t get what the big deal is about him going home for a weekend? He needs to sort through his childhood crap. Mom wants to reminisce. Why would you want to be there for that? Let him go. Have a lovely weekend with your girlfriends, Mother-In-Law stays happy

Post # 4
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It’s just one day, right? If he wants to go I think he should go.

Post # 5
5153 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I guess I don’t see what the big deal is either. You sound like you don’t even like your Mother-In-Law, so send him on his merry way to sort through stuff with her. It’s not like he can bring a ton home if he’s going on a plane. Have him make a short trip and plan something fun with your girlfriends! 

As for them staying 8-9 days, I don’t know how you did it. We just had my ILs for 3 days and I reached my breaking point. I hate cooking though so I wish someone would cook dinner for me, lol. I’d simply take the stuff they bought and store it somewhere (maybe with the childhood sstuff lol) and just put it out when they come again. 

My Darling Husband and I have a pact….if we ever have kids, we are getting a HOTEL whenever we go to visit. No one actually wants their parents or ILs to stay….ugh!

Post # 6
10093 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Seems to me like mom wants to spend some one on one time alone with her son, which I can respect. You say you ask your Darling Husband what he wants but he can’t give you an answer, to me, that means he wants to but won’t tell you as he doesn’t want to deal with the fall out of going against what you seem to want. 

In the end, I think him going for a day is not enough to get that worked up over. 

Post # 7
2093 posts
Buzzing bee

I would just let him go, sounds like you wouldn’t enjoy the trip anyway and if your husband says he feels put in the middle of it and torn, that means a certain part of HIM wants to go and he is just trying to keep the peace with you. Which isn’t fair, because it sounds like by all accounts the interactions with them are kept few and far between, and a day or two spent with his parents alone isn’t a bad thing.

Post # 8
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m not really sure why you are opposed to him going? Regarding the items from childhood – this trip could be a good thing as opposed to if they had brought the boxes with them on their visit. This way, your husband can go through the items, spend some time with his mom, and then when he gets back home he can decide what stays or goes without his parents hovering around. 

Post # 9
7430 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Let him go home for a short trip. I would be really upset and frustrated if Darling Husband made a big stink about me going home or visiting family for a short time.

As for them coming to your house, I think you need to let it go. It sounds like they had good intentions.

Post # 10
2707 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I think if he’s throwing you under the bus, there needs to be some firm boundaries set by the TWO of you if the IL’s visit again. They probably didn’t realize they made you feel like a visitor in your own home – did you ask Father-In-Law not to cook each night? You can set boundaries nicely and see how they react – if they’re normal, they’ll apologize and not do it again. Also, you shouldn’t be left at home with Mother-In-Law – if they visit, he takes time off to entertain them. If you need further help, head over to DWIL Nation.

Post # 11
2089 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Let him go.  Life is too short to get upset over a day of reminiscing with ones parents.  You have the rest of your life with him, let his mom have one (or 2) days with her son. 

As for the visit, it really sounds like they were trying to be generous and helpful.  Sorry bee, but I think you’re making a big deal out of something that’s not that bad. 

Post # 12
2583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I guess I just don’t see what the big deal is here. For any of this. 

Post # 13
47278 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Darling Husband is in a tug of war, so stop tugging. When my Mom was still alive, she gave us all notice that we needed to pick up all our stuff by a certain date or it was going in the garbage.  I don’t see anything odd about Mother-In-Law dong the same thing.

His parents are obviously in a much better financial position than you, so it’s no skin off their teeth to pay for a plane ticket. If she is begging him to come for one day, it would be stupid to expect they would also send you a ticket.

It seems like they also use gifts as a way of showing love. Accept them graciously, then get rid of them if they are not what you want in your home.

My parents and in laws are all dead, so perhaps it skews my view of the world. I just don’t see myself getting bent out of shape about Father-In-Law making dinner.

Post # 14
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I think you’re being overly sensitive, perhaps. And I think your husband doesn’t feel safe to talk to you honestly about things because you see it as him choosing someone else over you. His mom is still his mom & they are allowed to love each other & be a part of each other’s lives in ways they find meaningful.  

Post # 15
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

IA with other PP that your Darling Husband going away for a day or so to spend one on one time with his mom reminiscing and sorting through some childhood stuff is no biggie (DH and I have taken separate vacas to visit family, esp when only one of our work schedules allows us to get away) BUT (I have a whole lot of ‘BUTS’ with this: 

 Not cool that your Darling Husband throws you under the bus or won’t be clear on things to his parents. This is a Darling Husband problem, not an IL problem. Very unfair of your Darling Husband to do this to you and this is the main issue I’d address. 

I’m an older Bee and am now a Mother-In-Law myself, so I can get your Mother-In-Law trying to make herself helpful while she visits. But yes, she is over-stepping her bounds. We’re used to being the matriarchs, the primary cooks etc- but we have to realize our children are adults now with families and homes of their own, and we are guests in their home, not queen of the roost. I would OFFER to make dinner, I have to admit if I was having a leisurely day, I’d feel guilty for my son or DIL to come home from work and start cooking for me, but I’d OFFER to make one of their fave dishes or treat them to a restaurant, I wouildn’t presume to take over their kitchen. 

And while her constant buying of things for your house may be well intended, at some point it comes off as an unspoken criticism. I notice you don’t have many towels, so I bought you another set that matches your bathroom, I notice you don’t have a blender/ welcome mat, bundt pan etc etc etc…And even though in this modern day and age it’s just as much our husbands’ responsibility as ours (the wives) to be getting these things for the house, there is the real or imagined you’re not making a proper home for my boy unspoken criticism hovering in the air. And it also doesn’t take into account that you’re just settling in, that you haven’t had the chance to get every item on your wish list yet but you’d like to pick it out for yourselves. She may mean well, and one or two gifts okay- but a continuous barrage of new additional items, it begins to feel like she’s treating you both like you’re children playing house and she has to step in and fix things up for you. 

And I would not gift my son a plane ticket and not my DIL unless the two of you had expressed that HE would like to visit but you’re unable to get away from work. 

Your Darling Husband needs to be a united team with you, not toss you under the bus because he finds it difficult to stand up to his parents. He doesn’t have to be mean to them or anything, they don’t sound horrible, just not respecting boundaries, treating you like adults, but he does have to be clear/ firm with them, otherwise stuff like this will keep happening. Not to mention it’s unfair of him to let you look like the bad guy because he won’t speak up. 

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