- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
I have a feeling I’m being unreasonable, but I can’t seem to rein it in. Since I can’t focus on my work, I figured I’d post my issue here and see what advice the bees can offer. There’s some background to offer context, but TL, DR at the end if you need it.
BG: I have a mostly good relationship with my ILs, and Darling Husband is close to them, though primarily his dad, who he has a ton in common with. He really values time with his dad now because his father was so busy with work (ER surgeon) when Darling Husband was a kid – he missed alot of big events in DH’s childhood/teen years. They came to visit over the summer – we’ve moved from a small apartment to a small house, so they stayed with us instead of in a hotel for the first time. They stayed for 8-9 days. I was annoyed by multiple things, almost none of which Darling Husband sees as a problem.
First, they basically took over. I would come home and find dinner already started by Father-In-Law, which was sweet the first time or two. I would also come home from work to find new things for our house – things like welcome mats, drain covers, storage containers, etc. Most of these were unneeded clutter, and those that weren’t were things I had wanted to pick out ourselves. (We’re renting, but it’s our first actual house.) Meanwhile, when I was home, I was alone with Mother-In-Law a lot of the time, as Darling Husband was bonding with his dad. I like Mother-In-Law, but she’s very intense – everything is very emotionally fraught with her. I was alraedy exhausted from fertility treatments.
Also, I couldn’t DO anything. If I got up to get a glass of water, they’d make me sit down and would get me one. If I started to wash dishes, they would shoo me away and do them instead. They also bought some things for the kitchen DH had mentioned I wanted (a food processor, sifter, and bundt pan). They explained all of this as “wanting to make sure they were invited back” and acting like the gift were payment for their visit.
I know it sounds all very nice, but by the end, I felt like I was a visitor in my own home. It drove me crazy, and it felt very overbearing. They took something Darling Husband and I were trying to do together (set up our own household) and took it over. After they left, I kept finding items they bought for the house and no one bothered to ask me or even tell me.
New Issue: Mother-In-Law has been pushing for Darling Husband to visit them (9 hrs by car, a couple hrs by flight) so he can sort through some childhood things they have in storage. We suggested they bring the box with them, but they didn’t. Mother-In-Law had a lot of trouble letting go of Darling Husband and treating him like an adult when we first moved in together, and she gets very, very sentimental about his childhood (mostly memories of which he has no recollection or doesn’t recall as particularly momentous).
Dh has been really busy with work, school, and our life together – and we expressed this clearly to them – and a flight is a little out of our spending range right now. (Well, I was clear. I have a feeling Darling Husband may have dodged the question.) Now, for Christmas, one of his “stocking stuffers” – her incessant buying of random junk is another issue all together – was a “gift certificate” for a ticket to Michigan. One ticket. Not one for him and one for me. One ticket, just for him.
I was not happy about it and tried to explain to Darling Husband that she’s (a) excluding me from this situation, (b) disregarding our statements that he likely wouldn’t be able to visit, and (c) encroaching on the very little time he and I have to see each other.
She called him today and is really pushing him to visit for “just one day.” He knows I don’t want him to go, but he’s considering it “just to make her shut up.” He “feels like he’s in a tug of war.” He said that no one seems to care what he wants – but I’ve asked him repeatedly and he can’t give me an answer.
Gah. Should I just suck up and pretend I’m fine with it? I’ve asked him to talk to his parents about issues we’ve had before, and he generally throws me under the bus, which makes things awkward. I’m annoyed and frustrated – since when does his mom’s wants outweight mine?
TL; DR – Somewhat boundary-stompling MIL is pushing for Darling Husband to visit to spend time with her “sorting” childhood items (read “mooning over little DH” and sending him home with items he doesn’t even want to keep). I want him to stay here since he finally has some time off and we rarely see each other between work and school.