Post # 1
My fiancé and I’s relationship began as a LDR. He lived in IL while I lived in PA. We are both college students now (he attends a college about an hour north of where I live) and at the end of this semester, I plan to visit his family in IL for two weeks. I did this last semester as well.
I am a Christian and come from a very strong Christian family. My fiancé is also a strong Christian but comes from a not-so-Christian family. His parents are divorced and his Dad apparently hates the church and his Mom only maintains some values. My Mom is upset again (just like last semester) because I am going to visit his family. His Mother lives with her boyfriend currently, mostly because she was no longer in a position financially to support herself alone where she lived, so she moved in to make it easier. Personally, I don’t agree with her decision to do this but I have accepted it as she must make her own decisions.
My Mom is upset because she thinks that by me staying with their family, that I am saying it’s okay to live with someone you’re not married to. And she says that I’m doing the SAME THING by visiting and staying there for two weeks. I thought this was ridiculous. There are variety of reasons why I stay there. Mostly because since his Mom moved to live with her bf, she is now farther north from where they used to live. Consequently, any potential people I could stay with are also farther away (around 45 minutes), which makes it incredibly inconvenient to have to drive an hour and a half every day to see each other while I visit. On top of that, we both have separate rooms (As we also believe in saving sex for marriage), yet still my Mom seems to think that I’m being immoral.
I told her that not everyone thinks this way and that what I’m doing is not a sin. We are not having sex, we are not doing anything against the Bible! She told me that I might make someone else stumble and I told her that I can’t live my life around everyone elses beliefs and also the fact that no one really even knows I’m going to visit his family, and if they do, they don’t know all the details.
I feel like she’s being unrealistic. She has always been extremely judgmental of him and his family, which makes me incredibly sad. She thinks she’s acting like a Christian when in fact, his family is more loving than mine, and they are the ones with “looser” morals.
Will someone please tell me if I’m not going insane and actually might be right?!
Sorry for the long-winded post! I just really need some encouragement. Thanks… 🙂
Post # 3
@Rchicklets: Does your mother know your fiance’s mother? Would it help if your mother could talk to her and be reassured you are sleeping in the spare room?
In fact to me “visiting boyfriend’s family, staying in the spare room” often implies sex is not happening. By staying in the spare room, you and your fiance are demonstrating that you are handling things differently to his mother and her bf.
Other than that, you may need to take the line of “I’m an adult and I can decide”. You obviously want to spend time with your fiance, so you’ve got to go there somehow.
Another possibility is he visits you instead? Or is that already happening also, or does your mother not let that happen?
I have a daughter in a very similar situation but rather than say too much publicly, you can message me.
Post # 4
You’re an adult, she should trust that you know yourself and your values. You’re definitely not going insane!
Post # 5
You’re an adult and should make your own choices. If you’re ready to get married you should be ready to stand up to your mother.
Post # 6
Wow. What a pain. I’m sorry, I will just never be able to understand how someone like your mom can see the world in such black and white “I’m right and anyone who doesn’t do exactly what I do is wrong” lenses.
Doll, if you feel comfortable with what you’re doing ethically/morally or whatever – you do that. Be your authentic self. Frankly, whatever you do or do not do is between you, your Fiance and God. Not your mother.
Post # 7
Ugh I’m sorry. You’re not wrong.And she shouldn’t judge. He can’t change his family. And they seem nice.
Post # 8
You should arrange a meeting between the two sets of “parents”. Your mother will find it hard to demonise them once she has met them. Even better, why don’t you suggest a local, US based cultural holiday together? Take in some sights, discuss a bit of local history, have a few glasses of wine in the evening? You might get your Mum to loosen up a bit. With any luck, his Mum will confirm that you are not having sex under their roof during this time, and it will feel like a natural disclosure rather than a forced lie.
Beyond that though, you’re an adult, and you have to make your own decisions. My Mum was a complete pain in the arse when I got with my boyfriend (now my FI). She disapproved of us taking holidays together etc etc and kept trying to get me to promise I wouldn’t have sex before marriage (which was ****** hypocritical of her, actually). I told her politely but firmly that my relationships were my business, that I was a grown woman, and that dating comes before marriage… short of an arranged marriage, one has to date before one marries! If she ever wants grandchildren, she has to back off and let you try to build a long lasting adult relationship based on mutual respect.
Post # 9
@paula1248: Actually, my fiancé’s Mother just added my Mom on Facebook recently and wrote her a nice little message. This is partially why we ended up having this argument. My Mom just has such a bad attitude about it. It would be very difficult for them to meet because of the 10 hour distance. Also because my parents both work at night so it’s really difficult for them to ever travel. I do visit my fiancé often, since he lives about 45 mins away from me at his college. But at the end of the semester he goes home to visit his family and I join him since that is the only time I ever see them as well. I mean, I know my Mother would be so offended if my fiancé never spent time with my family, yet she can’t seem to understand me wanting to visit his family a few weeks out of the year!
Thank you so much everyone else! I was trying to make sure that I was seeing the situation correctly and not based solely off of my emotions (quite like my Mother does)…. you’ve made me feel more confident and better about my decisions! Thank you. 🙂