Visitor Policy After Baby

posted 2 months ago in Babies
Post # 31
Member
478 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

TDAP is for tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis. I believe most OBs will give you a booster with each pregnancy. (At least mine have). For sure the flu shot if you’re pregnant or delivery during or around flu season, and then they’ll check your rubella titers (rubella can cause some gnarly birth defects). If you haven’t, it’s often recommended you ensure you’re fully vaccinated with MMR (particularly important with the recent measles outbreaks in the US) prior to trying to conceive. We just requested people have the flu shot and TDAP- those were musts for our families- non negotiable! 

Post # 32
Member
1916 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I had an emergency c section and had to be put under. So it took a good 3 hours between laying in the recovery room, then being wheeled up to my room and getting situated. We also had a lactate nurse come by to help me breastfeed for the first time. 

Then after that i was ok with visitors. But we just dont have a ton of family outside d.h. parents who live in state, so that was really it except for d.h. sister who stopped by the next day. 

It should be on your terms though, most hospitals that i know of wont allow visitors that arent approved by mom to go past the front desk now a days. They can either sit and wait for you to settle in a bit or maybe not tell them till a good hour or two after he/she is born. 

Post # 33
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

We told our parents I was in labour and that was it. My son was born just before 11 and we called our parents just after midnight to tell them he was born, and texted our sisters. My parents came about mid day the next day and my sister came that evening, that was it for hospital. The next day my other sister came (drove from another city) and the following day we were in the NICU for 2 weeks so only our families visited, my husband’s parents came up from another city every couple days and my parents and sisters came pretty much every day. Given that we weren’t home anyway, it was nice to have the support and have someone come so that we felt better about leaving to have a meal or go shower etc (trusted the nurses of course but it was sad to leave him alone). When we were home again there were less people wanting to visit than I expected, perhaps the novelty had worn off haha

Regarding the hospital right after birth, we told people beyond immediate family later the next day, but didn’t tell anyone what hospital we were at, so no one showed up (this May be trickier if you live somewhere with only one!). I’d say if you want private time, just don’t tell people until you are ready to have them come. And just say upfront ‘I will tell you when we are ready for visitor’ so they don’t keep asking to come. 

Post # 34
Member
615 posts
Busy bee

kmbumbee190618 :  the TDaP is against three things Tetanus, Diphteria and Pertussis. The last one (pertussis) is the whopping cough which is deadly to newborns and they can’t vaccinated until they are two months old. 

We didn’t require the flu shot and never get it ourselves but we didn’t allow school age children over until the flu season passed. 

My husband really surprised me because I thought he’d have the hardest time saying no to people but once our son was born he was completely in agreement with me and didn’t want people holding him. He basically became as much of a papa bear as I became mama bear. 

Post # 35
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper

kmbumbee190618 :  with our first we allowed parents the day after birth in the hospital. I regretted that so much. I suffered from baby blues and having my overbearing (at the time MIL) there just made me feel awful. I will never do that again. With our second no one saw the baby until I was ready and felt good mentally and physically. We will do that again with our third. In all honesty this is your baby and you’re the mother. If you don’t physically feel well to see ppl the first day out. Don’t. Don’t do something to please others. 

Post # 36
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

kmbumbee190618 :  I don’t have kids yet but my SIL does and she just had her 2nd so we were talking about this.

Overall, our family is pretty respectful and also we aren’t scared to tell each other what we think. 

For her first, pretty much the whole family was camped out in the waiting room.  It was a decently long labour but we just hung out with each other.  The hospital has a huge amount of room so we weren’t imposing.  When Mother-In-Law came out to tell us he was born, we waited until SIL invited us in to have a glimpse and say hi, then we were out.  I think we were in her room for 5 minutes, tops.   

While she was in early labour, we also let ourselves into her house and cleaned her house (main areas only, not bedrooms) and stocked her freezer/fridge with some homecooked meals we brought with us. 

We frequently visited once she was home, both to cuddle the baby AND help her, or just give her some adult conversation.

I asked her about it because so many people think this is terrible these days, but she said she actually loved having the support.

Maybe it’s because I spent a lot of time growing up in a village in a third world country, but I don’t understand the current trendy ideal that the baby is strictly only for the parents and they should isolate themselves from everyone else.  A baby is a new member of the family.  We celebrate when people join the family, whether it’s by birth or marriage.  I hope that people in my family care about my baby enough to want to visit it and hold it (assuming vaccinations, hand washing etc) and care enough about me to want to help me with whatever I need. 

So I would allow visitors at both the hospital and at home, however I also have a voice so can communicate to family if I want them gone or if I want them to help me with something.  

 

 

Post # 38
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

kmbumbee190618 : I know you’re not yet expecting, and I don’t wish to be harsh or try to scare you, but your “people pleaser” line jumped out at me… consider reading up on some post-partum stories on the “DWIL” board on Babycenter. They are awful, super-extreme cases of moms who have family/in laws who don’t respect privacy, boundaries or wants/needs of the new mother. Often, these moms have had the same “nice girl” or people-pleaser personality.

Maybe your family friends and inlaws are GREAT and will be super respectful of whatever you ask for. Maybe your D.H. will be awesome at shutting down inappropriate requests, comments etc. But you’d likely benefit from seeing how things can go sideways and have some conversations with your husband to get on the same page before any of this is an issue. Another good article to read is the “lemon clot essay” – google it. 

Anyway, this is going to look outrageous, but as someone who had a few unfortunate incidents with my own post-partum time, I just want to share everything I can think of. Think about these scenarios before they’re an issue, not while you’re living in it. 

Things to consider:
1) Having “waiting room warriors” may bring you stress. Stress may stall your labor. When you’re trying to focus on breathing and not losing your mind during contractions and your husband is going out to update your families, will you want to punch him in the face? 

2) If you have no pets or children that need to be cared for while you’re laboring, nobody *has* to know you’re in labor! If they know, the more likely they are to come wait at the hospital, or text for updates etc (see point #1) 

3) You don’t need to announce baby’s arrival 5, 30, or 60 mintues after it happens! So much happens in the hours after delivery, just soak it all in without worrying about calling, texting and posting on social media. Any number of complications to you or baby may arise that require extra care/monitoring. You may need or want help learning to get baby to latch and breastfeed, you may be just freaking exhausted and hungry and want to lay in that bed with your new babe for a bit. 

4) You are allowed to decide who visits, when and for how long. You may want to discuss this ahead of time with expected visitors (we’ll let you know when you can visit, but it’ll be limited to X minutes). I’d also communicate with D.H. and your nurse on the post partum unit so that they can help you get rid of your visitors if necessary. 

5) After you are home, you STILL get to decide who visits and when and for how long. You’ll likely still be sore/uncomfortable, your breasts will be full and leaking even if you’re not breastfeeding. You’ll be bleeding crazy amounts and wearing those super fashionable jumbo pads and mesh panties. It’s very possible you won’t want visitors at all, and if you do, it may be for a VERY short visit. 

6) You can decide (and change your mind) about what is “helpful”. It may be having someone throw in a load of laundry, wash some dishes, cook a meal. It may be them holding baby so you can nap or shower. If someone comes to visit but only wants to chat and hold your newborn while you wait on them hand and foot, that’s not helping. 

7) You may feel “irrationally” upset when others hold your kid. I felt like I was being crazy when this happened to me.. it’s not. You will be a new mama bear, hormones raging, and sometimes someone else holding your child makes you twitchy. It’s perfectly ok. Related: if you don’t want someone to hold your little one, it’s ok to say no! If someone is holding your little one and you want him/her back, take baby back! Lots of people like to assume new moms want a break from holding their baby, or “you have so much time to cuddle her when we’re gone” nope, fuck that, my kid, I’ll hold her when I want.

8) Most importantly, babies don’t spoil. Your baby will still be an adorable, snuggly sweet bundle of joy in a week, 2 weeks, 1 month – it’s ok to make people wait til you are ready to visit. Give yourself time and space to heal – you body will have just gone through some serious shit, you owe it to yourself to have a postpartum recovery as stress-free as possible 🙂 

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