(Closed) Vows to Woes

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 17
5774 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Was their a point that your relationship was actually good? You say you want to “save” your marriage but honestly from your posts it doesn’t seem like there I was ever much to save!

You disagree on basically all large and small aspects of life and relationships, from career, where to live, what to do in your free time, finances … vowstowoes :  

Post # 18
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

zzar45 :  Why was he texting himself from his work phone to his personal number about you being toxic? I’m not even sure that makes sense. 


The only thing I can think of was he was being super passive aggressive and wanted OP to read it.

Post # 19
801 posts
Busy bee

I agree with the other PPs that it’s hard to know what’s going on here as there are not a lot of details. 

If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem to be casting a lot of the blame on him. That’s just how it reads. I am sure he is contributing (perhaps a lot) to this strained situation, but true change comes from self-awareness. A good therapist will tell you that as well. You will be asked to examine yourself before you point the finger at your partner. I definitely think counseling is a must for you two.

Your husband will need to be willing to make some changes, but before you even think about that, I would start thinking about what you can do differently. Read all the self-help and marriage books that you like; it would be nice if he were to read them, but you cannot force him to do so. I would stop making that a topic of argument between you. Trying to make your partner read something comes across as a bit mommy-ish, so if it were me, I would drop it. I would read the books for the help it would give me, and if he expresses an interest, I’d share with him what I had read/learned.

Secondly, you say the only time you spend together is when you eat. Have you tried having fun together? There must be activities that you both enjoy that you can do together, whether it be seeing a movie, playing sport or doing exercise or maybe attending a fun event of some sort. Something to distract you and build on the good moments. If it were me, I’d start making suggestions until we hit on something that worked.

Finally, it really sounds as if the two of you don’t argue well. Try seeing if you can lower the intensity of your arguments. Speaking calmly, avoiding criticism and name-calling, speaking in “I feel…” statements. Therapy can help you with this if you both are willing.

If you don’t mind me saying so, it sounds as if you might have rushed into marriage without fully assessing whether you are compatible.

Post # 20
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper

vowstowoes :  Didn’t things such as careers, where to live, planning for the future come up in premarital counseling?

Since you felt those sessions were successful can you go back to that person together? 

If he won’t go to counseling with you now then go on your own. One person changing the dynamic can help to change the relationship. At the end of the day all any of us ever really can do is change how we handle things, we can’t change other people. 

Post # 22
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper

vowstowoes :  You’re avoiding all the questions about career and life goals and issues before marriage and how they have or haven’t changed since. If you married him knowing he had these major career goals and how they would impact your life together it’s odd you’d expect that to be different now. It’s equally odd he would expect you’d be happy with little time together if he knew you needed more time together to be happy. 

Post # 23
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

vowstowoes :  Sweetie, it shouldnt be this hard. You either need to go to counseling or walk away. There are a lot of issues you two are dealing with, and unless you can talk it out, its never going to get better. 

Post # 25
87 posts
Worker bee

vowstowoes :  I found myself cringe-ing through most of this post.

I am going to say this delicately, but it sounds like you are driving him bat-shit crazy. You would drive me bat-shit crazy! If I worked 12 hour days, the absolute last thing I would want is being bombarded with “let’s read this marriage-improvement book together” even if it’s just one chapter. Him being in front of the TV is his way of winding down and I would be annoyed as shit if I kept getting bombarded with these marriage books. He’s saying he’ll read them to get you to leave him alone and you have to understand that. It doesn’t sound like you guys even knew each other before getting married. I know this must be really rough, but that’s just my honest opinion and I am hope it proves helpful in some way. Good luck.

Post # 26
11003 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

vowstowoes :  

Is your husband a thrill seeker?  It sounds as if he could be, based on the way you describe his job. He’s working with something very sensitive. And he wants to join what you’re designating as a high risk emergency response group that could take him to combat zones.

If he is, indeed, a thrill seeker by nature, that drive is very powerful. It often makes them great at what they do, like Navy SEALs, but not such great life partners. They’re wired very differently than the rest of us, and thank gawd for them, we always need a certain supply of these guys. But, they don’t do well with normalcy for extended periods.

High sensation seeking has its origins in the brain, as do so many mental conditions.  It isn’t pathological, though, it can turn up in some syndromes. It also tracks with testosterone levels and will generally decline with age.

Displays of irritation if he feels too confined or constricted would make sense.

If this is not working for you, it may just be a bad match. Soldiers, SEALs, and SWAT guys (men far outnumber women on this) can have successful marriages, but the divorce rate is astronomical. 

Of course, I could be reading this all wrong.

Post # 27
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

After reading your updates, it really sounds like the two of you aren’t compatible. You have completely different long-term goals. You don’t like his career (which I think is reasonable in this case). And then you have completely different day-to-day preferences. Cleaning, sex, budgeting and spending time together are not small things. Those are the things that happen every single day. They have to be worked on. He needs to be willing to listen to you address your needs and issues. It sounds like he really isn’t willing to do that right now. That’s not good. Since you have so many different goals and preferences, there is going to need to be a lot of compromising from both of you.

Right now the two of you aren’t communicating at all. Were you good at communicating before? Or did you just talk a lot? Could you truly communicate your needs and work on problems together? Could you bring up an issue that just one of you was having?

From your post, it sounds like you are feeling neglected, unprioritized and unloved. You are trying to make things work and it sounds like your husband has completely disengaged. I think it is time for the two of you to have a serious conversation. You need to lay all your cards on the table and share what you are feeling about how things are going. You need to press for counseling. If he is unwilling to work on your issues, then you need to decide what you are willing to endure.

Right now, your relationship sounds completely one-sided. And it sounds like your husband’s work will always come before you. As your relationship stands, it is not going to last and that’s not your fault. It takes two. At the end of the day, one person cannot single-handedly save a marriage. If your husband isn’t willing to work on it, there is nothing you can do.

ETA: I didn’t see your updates about thrill seeking until after I posted this. That just confirms my suspicions that work comes first for him. I mean he is even trying to get you to work at his job. He’s trying to combine you and work. And he doesn’t seem to have a good reason for wanting this job other than it sounds cool. And he doesn’t seem to care how it will affect you. It even sounds a little, delusional. He sounds like he is wrapped up in the glamour of adventure and glory and doesn’t care about who he hurts or how he gets there or how it affects his loved ones.

Post # 28
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper

vowstowoes :  So you’ve known this is his career goal since before you were even engaged? Why would you marry someone who wants to spend his life doing something you don’t agree with, support, or want to be a part of? Were you just hoping he would fail to get in? That’s not a foundation for a successful marriage. 

There is nothing wrong with what you want, Bee, you just want it with someone who wants something else. 

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