(Closed) Wait to get married or leave?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

jwaterz07:  He is upset over a phone call?

Post # 3
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You just talked on the phone? x

Post # 4
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’m sorry that you’re going though this hun, I know it’s tough.

Maybe he feels like you emotionally cheated on him and that is why he is acting the way he is.

Personally, I feel like he is overreacting. Are there any other underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed and so he’s using this as a way to delay the wedding?

Post # 5
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

It’s hard to say whether he is just hurt for what you did and needs some time or if he is using this as a stall tactic. If I were you I would get to the root of why you felt the need to call this other man. Maybe you are self sabatoging? Maybe your scared to get married again so you sought out this guy knowing your Fiance doesn’t like this guy?

My Fiance is very anti cheating, if I cheated I would be out immediatly he made that very clear from day one. The fact that he is not leaving the relationship means he obviously still wants things to work out. Maybe he is just waiting to see if this is going to happen again? I would be a little nervous myself to marry someone who stepped outside our relationship. I would say give him the time he needs, and you work on yourslef in the mean time.

It would be a shame if you got married and this came up again in the future because it was not properly resolved.

Post # 6
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It seems to me that there is something more going on here.  I agree you shouldn’t have hid the phone call, but I also think you shouldn’t have to.  It seems awfully controlling to me to have him dictate who you can and cannot talk to.  If you were talking about something questionable/sexual, or if you were talking to the ex every day, or if you were neglecting your Fiance in order to talk to the ex, it would be different.  But for a one time phone call, no, you shouldn’t have to hide it, nor should you be required to tell him everytime to talk to anyone.  I suspect it’s a sign of bigger problems, and I would proceed with caution.  Maybe go to counseling by yourself, regardless of whether or not he agrees to go?

Post # 7
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - The Victorian

 

jwaterz07:  I understand “emotional cheating” but that is NOT it. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, but he needs to get over this. I was in a similar relationship where every perceived slight was met with “I can’t trust you.” It’s not fair to you to be held emotional hostage over a phone call that cleared up some emotional issues for you. I’d have a serious conversation with him telling him exactly why you made the phone call, generally what was said, the outcome, and that he needs to trust you and get over it, or it’s not worth getting married. Because if he takes issue with this, I have a feeling it’s only going to get uglier. You didn’t do anything wrong.

Post # 8
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

 

jwaterz07:  Ok, so the line “well my Fiance found out”, this to me tells me that you felt the need to hide it. So, you must have thought, even if somewhere just in the back of your mind, that it was not right to talk to the other man.

I don’t see the problem he is having if you just had a phone call. I recently emailed an ex to ask him about something in his career which is the same field my Fiance is getting started in, but I told my Fiance as soon as I did it. Therefor there was no “finding out”. It sounds like there is something you are leaving out in your story to us or something more you and he need to discuss.

Post # 9
Member
11531 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

I feel like he’s being a tad punishing here, which seems controlling. Coming from a previously abusive relationship, you might be so glad he’s not physically abusive that you overlook emotional control. 

Yes, hiding your call was wrong, but he either needs to be honest about his hurt and fear (instead of punishing you by withdrawing affection and continuity) or take a break.

As for you, that was immature and it sends the signal that you aren’t ready. That’s something to think about. Maybe you aren’t ready yet, and that’s okay. 

Post # 12
Member
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

jwaterz07:  He seems really weird and controlling. I get that he was threatened by this guy but he’s punishing you an awful lot for a phone call. I feel like cheaters do this a lot, as do emotional abusers. I don’t know, it all seems very bizarre to me and he doesn’t seem very sensitive or fair. 

Post # 13
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper

jwaterz07:  Unless there is more of a backstory you’re not telling us, just a phone call shouldn’t upset him that much.  I do find it disrepectful to your SO to talk to your ex, especially knowing that your SO that he doesn’t like you talking to the ex.  That’s my opinion though, it’s just a thought on why he may have handled it the way he did.  Was this an instinctual thing to do, call your ex?  How long have you been with your SO?

For awhile I spoke with my ex, but I realized how much it bothered my husband and I stopped talking to him a few months after my husband and I started dating.  My husband never told me to stop talking to my ex. I willingly chose that.

Post # 14
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery

You didn’t do anything wrong, you did something he didn’t like. Then you apologized. He is punishing you over a very small action. Will it be like this every time you do something he disagrees with?

I don’t think this is a terribly healthy situation for you. Having been in an abusive relationsip before, do you have a counselor you can speak with? Maybe you can sort out what’s really going on here both in your relationship and for you. 

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