Post # 1
Ok, I want to start off by saying I know I am going to get a lot of heat for this post because I was the one that messed up. But I need honest non-biased opinions.
My fiance and I have been engaged since May 2014 and planning a wedding this October. I have been divorced once for abusive issues. Well a few months ago I was feeling really nervous about getting married again. I talked on the phone with one of my exes (that my fiance hates btw). I never saw him and we didn’t talk about anything sexual, also it was only once. I guess I just kinda thought that having the urge to want to talk to him then actually doing it and seeing how it just made me sick knowing I was talking to any other man besides my fiance would show me that all insecurities were just nerves and they would go away. And it did. Well my fiance found out. He considered it cheating because I was hiding it from him, in which I understand. I know it was wrong and I should have never done it.
We talked about everything and after many tears he decided we could work through it. Well fast forward a couple months and he has just been acting emotionally distant. He still would tell me he loves me and all but showing it wasn’t there. I talked to him and he told me he hasn’t been able to get over the whole thing, he still thinks about it and can’t really trust me (in which I understand). I told him maybe we should take a break for him to sort out all his feelings then we could try counseling. Of course I was hoping after a week or so he would miss me so much he would know there had to be a way to work this out. We agreed not to talk. He broke that agreement and would text me I love you and tell me that he does miss me, along with the casual what are you doing and small talk. But now even though he says he loves me he doesn’t think we should get married right now, he said maybe in a year or so once we see how things are going. He says he has to be 100% and he isn’t at this time becuase of all this.
He is right about we have to be 100% but at the same time I know that I messed up, but I thought he would love me enough to work with me through this. We were living together and he keeps saying if and when I come back blah blah. I told him that I would do anything to make it up to him, but I can’t do that if he wont even see me.
Do I continue giving him his space? If he wants to get back together but not get married right now do I go along with it in the hopes of a marriage in the future? Do I say, no I need a man that will stand my side and work through rough times with me? My male cousin says that he is just using this as an excuse not to marry me and he will just keep pushing it off. I don’t know what to think.
Like I said, I definitely understand I made a mistake but I also know that if he did the same thing my love for him would be able to overcome and surpass this.
Post # 2
jwaterz07: He is upset over a phone call?
Post # 3
You just talked on the phone? x
Post # 4
I’m sorry that you’re going though this hun, I know it’s tough.
Maybe he feels like you emotionally cheated on him and that is why he is acting the way he is.
Personally, I feel like he is overreacting. Are there any other underlying issues in your relationship that need to be addressed and so he’s using this as a way to delay the wedding?
Post # 5
It’s hard to say whether he is just hurt for what you did and needs some time or if he is using this as a stall tactic. If I were you I would get to the root of why you felt the need to call this other man. Maybe you are self sabatoging? Maybe your scared to get married again so you sought out this guy knowing your Fiance doesn’t like this guy?
My Fiance is very anti cheating, if I cheated I would be out immediatly he made that very clear from day one. The fact that he is not leaving the relationship means he obviously still wants things to work out. Maybe he is just waiting to see if this is going to happen again? I would be a little nervous myself to marry someone who stepped outside our relationship. I would say give him the time he needs, and you work on yourslef in the mean time.
It would be a shame if you got married and this came up again in the future because it was not properly resolved.
Post # 6
It seems to me that there is something more going on here. I agree you shouldn’t have hid the phone call, but I also think you shouldn’t have to. It seems awfully controlling to me to have him dictate who you can and cannot talk to. If you were talking about something questionable/sexual, or if you were talking to the ex every day, or if you were neglecting your Fiance in order to talk to the ex, it would be different. But for a one time phone call, no, you shouldn’t have to hide it, nor should you be required to tell him everytime to talk to anyone. I suspect it’s a sign of bigger problems, and I would proceed with caution. Maybe go to counseling by yourself, regardless of whether or not he agrees to go?
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2015 - The Victorian
jwaterz07: I understand “emotional cheating” but that is NOT it. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, but he needs to get over this. I was in a similar relationship where every perceived slight was met with “I can’t trust you.” It’s not fair to you to be held emotional hostage over a phone call that cleared up some emotional issues for you. I’d have a serious conversation with him telling him exactly why you made the phone call, generally what was said, the outcome, and that he needs to trust you and get over it, or it’s not worth getting married. Because if he takes issue with this, I have a feeling it’s only going to get uglier. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Post # 8
jwaterz07: Ok, so the line “well my Fiance found out”, this to me tells me that you felt the need to hide it. So, you must have thought, even if somewhere just in the back of your mind, that it was not right to talk to the other man.
I don’t see the problem he is having if you just had a phone call. I recently emailed an ex to ask him about something in his career which is the same field my Fiance is getting started in, but I told my Fiance as soon as I did it. Therefor there was no “finding out”. It sounds like there is something you are leaving out in your story to us or something more you and he need to discuss.
Post # 9
I feel like he’s being a tad punishing here, which seems controlling. Coming from a previously abusive relationship, you might be so glad he’s not physically abusive that you overlook emotional control.
Yes, hiding your call was wrong, but he either needs to be honest about his hurt and fear (instead of punishing you by withdrawing affection and continuity) or take a break.
As for you, that was immature and it sends the signal that you aren’t ready. That’s something to think about. Maybe you aren’t ready yet, and that’s okay.
Post # 10
Ok, a little background info on the ex. When my fiance and I first started dating the ex was trying to get back with me. He would text me that he still loves me blah blah. I saw him at a friends birthday party and he was pursuing me the whole night. My fiance knows this, so already dislikes him very much. He said that was one thing that hurt him so much was that I talked to this particular ex. So yes just a phone call. but I never told him about it and he found out from a friend, which of course over exaggerated the situation.
Post # 11
cristalgolightly: We have little bickering fights here and there but nothing major. Idk if he is just nervous about getting married in the first place. I do have two children with my ex husband, so he would taking on a lot. But he has never said anything about this in the past
Post # 12
jwaterz07: He seems really weird and controlling. I get that he was threatened by this guy but he’s punishing you an awful lot for a phone call. I feel like cheaters do this a lot, as do emotional abusers. I don’t know, it all seems very bizarre to me and he doesn’t seem very sensitive or fair.
Post # 13
jwaterz07: Unless there is more of a backstory you’re not telling us, just a phone call shouldn’t upset him that much. I do find it disrepectful to your SO to talk to your ex, especially knowing that your SO that he doesn’t like you talking to the ex. That’s my opinion though, it’s just a thought on why he may have handled it the way he did. Was this an instinctual thing to do, call your ex? How long have you been with your SO?
For awhile I spoke with my ex, but I realized how much it bothered my husband and I stopped talking to him a few months after my husband and I started dating. My husband never told me to stop talking to my ex. I willingly chose that.
Post # 14
- Wedding: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception/The Gallery
You didn’t do anything wrong, you did something he didn’t like. Then you apologized. He is punishing you over a very small action. Will it be like this every time you do something he disagrees with?
I don’t think this is a terribly healthy situation for you. Having been in an abusive relationsip before, do you have a counselor you can speak with? Maybe you can sort out what’s really going on here both in your relationship and for you.
Post # 15
Tinatiny1: He has been honest. He has told me that it did hurt him because he feels it was emotionally cheating. But at the same time I think you are right about it being punishy. He keeps saying he just needs his time. But I would think working this out together would be better and make us closer instead of further apart. And you’re right it was immature, I was nervous. Trying to clear things up in my head. Talking to the ex def made me see I am supposed to be with my fiance and nerves are just nerves. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.