(Closed) Wait to get married or leave?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I understand why he’s upset–you say yourself that the call was sort of a test of your loyalty to him. I’d be annoyed if my FH did that too. But–and this is a huge but–I think that he should be understanding given your history of an abusive marriage. I understand why you’d panic and fear marriage. He shouldn’t still be upset about it months later. Please try to bring him to therapy. I hope it works out for you. 

Post # 18
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

I say leave. He’s a controlling ass. He won’t let you talk to another guy? Who cares if it’s an ex that pursued you, HE should have TRUST in you. Yes, you didn’t tell him about the call because he dislikes him but still. That is NOT cheating in any way. Sorry. Yes, you should be honest with him. You guys sound young.

He wants to control you, who you talk to and what you do. Forget that crap! That is mental and emotional abuse. If you want to repeat previous relationship issues, stay with him. He sounds like an ass to me and I would leave. Just my opinion. I highly suggest you both get counseling. Start by yourself, you don’t need him to be there to start working on YOU. 

Post # 19
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

jwaterz07:  I think you are right. Stop apologizing, tell him he has made his point and you both need to move on either in the relationship or not. 

Post # 20
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

As you acknowledged, talking to your ex was a bad decision – immature and disrespectful. If you had concerns about your upcoming marriage, you should have worked it out with your fiance.

Now he is having problems with jealousy and cannot get over your secret-keeping, and he is now not willing to work it out with you.

From what I understand here, neither of you are ready to address problems together as a unit. I personally do not believe that you’re ready for marriage.

Post # 21
Member
490 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

jwaterz07:  I guess I am a little different with all of this where I think he is totally fine to think that was cheating.  I know if my Fiance did that and then hid it, I would be extremely hurt.  I think him saying he wants to wait a little while is absolutely fair.  Your reasoning for the phone call, about being nervous etc, has probably made him want to give both of you a little bit of time to see if this is what you really want.  The way it sounds he does love you and by taking the time, (and no one may agree with me here), I think he is showing you that he loves you.  He probably wants to give both of you your space.  I agree that counseling would be really good for both of you.  I do think it is something he can eventually get passed and begin to trust you again, but I do not blame him for his feelings.

Post # 22
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m going to be the voice of dissent and say that I kind of understand where you Fiance is coming from. If your Fiance called an ex that you hated, that had previsously disrespected his new relationship, how would you feel about it? Your Fiance isn’t saying he wants to break up, he’s just saying that because of that incident he thinks you should postpone the wedding a bit. To make sure you’re both 100% ready for it. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I think you should continue the relationship, let time heal the wound, and if all goes well, resume wedding plans later.

Post # 23
Member
16 posts
Newbee

I would leave this guy. What a drama queen!

Post # 25
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

jwaterz07:  Well I can understand you being frustrated with the situation but if it’s what he feels he needs you have to give it to him. I don’t think he can really continue to plan a wedding when he’s unsure about his trust in you. I think you should agree to the continued separation but with counseling, which will hopefully help get you guys back on track. Maybe you could give it a deadline. Internally, not giving him an ultimatum. If you’re not back living together in say 3 months or 6 months, approach the subject again and say you feel that it’s time to move back in. If he’s still hesitant then maybe it would be time to move on. If he really loves you and wants to marry you, he’ll get over this. It’s not like you had sex with the guy or even met up with him. A little time to get over it is reasonable but an extreme amount of time might point towards something more troubling.

Post # 27
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

jwaterz07:  Good luck! Come back and let us know how it goes.

Post # 28
Member
3541 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

jwaterz07:  It may not have been cheating of any sort, but you lied to him, which is a huge violation of trust.  Trust is an important part of marriage.  I don’t blame him for reevaluating things with you.  I would give him time and space to heal and work through this.  However, it may also not be salvageable.  Take care of yourself while he is working through this; you may end up realizing this isn’t what YOU want in the mean time.

Post # 29
Member
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

jwaterz07:  To me, from your posts after the original, it seems that this is a toxic relationship and you need to let it go. Sounds to me that you are not sure about the two of you and that he is a little controlling. 

Post # 30
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard

The more I read what you are writing the more you guys should not be together. 

 

He – is controlling and emotionally and mentally manipulative. He clearly cares for you but clearly there is a lot more to your story/relationship than just what is here. There is a REASON he is not trusting you more than “just a phone call” that was not even sexual. 

You – are self sabotaging your relationship. YOU called your ex. YOU suggested the break up. 

Clearly you BOTH don’t think this is the right relationship for either of you. He wouldn’t be running away when couples need to stay together to work things out, nor would he be so controlling and mistrusting in you. You wouldn’t be self sabotaging your relationship if you really loved him and had no doubt in your mind. 

Seperate and get counseling. 

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