(Closed) Wait to get married or leave?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
jwaterz07:  I think your fiance is justified in his feelings and isn’t trying to “punish” you. When you elaborated in your 2nd post, you said that he hated this ex right from the get go. So you call your ex that your fiance hates, feel “sick” about it and still let him find out from someone else? I think your fiance is 100% justified in wanting to take a step back and learn to trust you again.

That being said, his reaction here could be controlling IF you have noticed this kind of behaviour from him before. Is he jealous of everyone in your life or just this ex? Does he try to keep you to himself all the time?

Post # 32
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with PPs. This is a bit weird and I wonder what other issues are going on (which you may not be privy to yet). It was just a phone call… I mean, I am not saying that he is 100% wrong, but to leave and not want to speak with you for this is odd to me. I actually would understand if he wanted to hold off on the wedding, but not for him to pull away so far. Perhaps, he doubts that it was truly just a phone call and he thinks that there is or were other things going on with the two of you. Still, you both need to trust each other in order to have a successful marriage, so maybe you should hold off. Instead of speaking to your ex, you could have confided in him. Maybe you do need a break and to hold off on the wedding for right now. I am not saying that you should wait for him forever, either. Just give it a little more time before you decide anything. 

Post # 33
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

None of this is sitting right with me. Just a bad feeling all around. I’d be outta there.

Edit: If you have to ask whether you should stay or leave, the answer is almost always leave!

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by emilypaige.
Post # 34
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

He’s upset for months about a phone call? unless he was just cheated on and newly divorced, I don’t think he should be so threatened about the phone call or even your hiding it. In my experience and observation with significant other and even friends, this punishing/overreacting behavior never bodes well. Who wants to walk on eggshells. 

Post # 35
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: Kauai

Marriage is tough enough when you go into it without trust issues. I struggled for months after our engagement, wondering if I was ready for the commitment and considering my excuses to delay the marriage. I think that is normal and healthy – thinking and analyzing and coming to the decision that this is the right guy is a good thing. You don’t want to go blindly into it – this is the rest of your life. My mother always said, “if it’s this much work, it isn’t meant to be.” Obviously, those guys are all exes.

The fact that you’re posting on a wedding forum concerns me; is the wedding what you’re pining after or the marriage? The engagement and wedding day are a blip in time compared to decades together.

We read “For Men Only” and “For Women Only” in anticipation of our marriage. It was very insightful – we both agreed. Please consider taking some time to read something like this if a counselor sounds too dramatic. You might find that you’re pushing each other’s buttons, and some unbiased advice may help you repair the strain.

If you’re right for each other, this will be a learning experience. We’ve all had our arguments and it’s a painful way to learn what upsets each other, but only helps you better understand who you are and how you can be a better couple. Be attentive to him if he has cold feet, but begging forgiveness is uncalled for. It’s all about balance.

All the best to you – please keep us posted.

Post # 36
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

I just realized this is a duplicate thread from Relationships but this is your ‘main’ one so I’ll put my reply here:

You not only hurt him but you’ve shaken his trust in you. Imagine if the situation were reversed. Imagine if you posted here on the Bee saying “We’ve been planning a wedding since our engagement last May and I just found out my Fiance not only has qualms about our approaching wedding, but he’s been talking to his ex about it. This is the same ex I mentioned in another thread who was texting him after we were together saying she loved him & was chasing after him the whole night at a friend’s birthday party. And so now of ALL PEOPLE- this is the woman he reaches out to when he feels doubt or insecurity about our relationship? He claims it was only one phone call and that nothing happened, they didn’t meet up in person & have sex or anything, but this has raised so many questions. Was he hoping to reconnect with her, that she still has those feelings for him? How do I know that it was only one phone call? If he hid this from me, how do I know I’m getting the full story now? Or maybe it was only one phonecall because she had moved on & shut him down? Seriously- who goes to an ex for relationship advice? Especially an ex that chased after him even after we were dating. My heart is telling me that’s just not believable and as much as I love him, I want to postpone the wedding now while we sort this all out

I’ve moved out for a few weeks or so by mutual decision, but my ex won’t give me the space he said he would, he texts me all the time, says I’m not standing by him, & is pressuring me to come back sooner. I do love him & I hope we can work this out, but I have so many worries and doubts over this that I’m scared of being hurt & wonder if I’m being foolish in giving this another chance. I want to be in a relationship where we turn to each other in times of trouble, not go running off to exes behind each others’ backs. Even if he needed someone else to vent to, why couldn’t he have gone to a friend or family member- literally anyone than the ex I can’t stand who made a big show of still being into him after we were a couple! I just can’t believe it wasn’t something more than that & I’m afraid of moving forward with a wedding if I’m setting myself up for a marriage in which trust is an issue.”

jwaterz07: Seeing it in this light, try putting yourself in his position. You need to be honest with yourself as to why you felt the need to reconnect with an ex behind your FI’s back. You need to give him real, actual space, not pressure him into doing what you want as soon as you want. This has shaken his trust enough to make him question your future together and yet he’s trying to work through it. Give him understanding and sincerity not demands.

Post # 37
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Jealousy and insecurity are relationship killers. Just saying… 

Post # 38
Member
28 posts
Newbee

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jwaterz07:  I’m going to have to agree with other posters on this one. I’ve been in an abusive relationship myself in the past and even if he’s being honest with you, it definitely sounds like he punishing you.

From my experience, people who emotionally abuse or are cheaters/hiding something themselves will accuse you of cheating even when you haven’t. It sounds like he’s exerting some major emotional control and that can be the most fruatrating and damaging. Saying “if and when” you come back?? If he doesn’t really want you to come back, he should just say so. Not string you along over a phone call.

I will say, yeah, that call wasn’t okay to make, or to hide from him. It’s perfectly okay for him to feel hurt or upset, but holding you at a distance without actually taking a break is a little torturous after you’ve already recognized it was wrong and apologized.

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