Post # 1
Here’s a letter to Slate’s Dear Prudence Column. Do people actually do this?? I’m stunned at the rudeness:
Recently I received two separate announcements letting me know that I’m not invited to the wedding of a friend. Both of these came out of the blue; I had not precipitated them by asking if I was going to get an invitation. Apparently, it’s a trend for brides and grooms to tell people who didn’t make the cut that they aren’t going to witness the special day. (Google “How to tell someone you’re not inviting them to your wedding.”) I have no idea how to respond. It seems churlish to say that I’m relieved, but it’s also awkward to admit my feelings were hurt. Please help.
—A Perplexed Nonwedding Guest
I dearly hope that there is wide agreement that one thing brides and grooms can strike from their to-do list is the sending of “Don’t Save the Date” cards. I used your search terms and came upon this gem, in which it is suggested that the bride gets together with the uninvited specifically to break the unfortunate news. This blow is supposed to be softened by allowing the nearest but clearly not dearest to help the bride choose the dress, shoes, or cake. Oh, what joy to schlep around to help plan an event from which you’ve been excluded! It used to be understood, and I assume largely still is, that a lack of wedding invitation was conclusive evidence of not being invited. People old enough to receive a wedding invitation are supposed to be mature enough to understand that not everyone can be asked to such occasions and accept this with good grace. (I know from friends who’ve planned weddings, however, that this is not always the case.) Maybe the idea you’re supposed to let people know they’re not coming is a function of social media. Because if you don’t, and then post every detail of the big event on your newsfeed, you’re going to create a whole class of friends who wait for each day’s mail with increasing bitterness. (Which might be a good reason for considering just how much nuptial news you need to post in the first place, rather than sending a mass “you’re not coming” email.) Still, there may be a category of truly close friends who would normally expect an invitation but who should be told that because of severe constraints it won’t be forthcoming. Yet in cases such as yours when the noninvite is baffling, you can respond with silence or with a brief, gracious note wishing your friend all the best on the big day.
Post # 3
I have never heard of this, but I wouldn’t put it past some brides to be this rude.
Post # 4
Just when you thought people couldn’t get more rude.
Post # 5
This is ridiculous. I know some family is going to be upset about not being invited so I try to limit my wedding news when I’m around them. I don’t bring it up at all unless asked. I would never send them a “You’re Not Invited Letter”. So crazy.
Post # 6
Wow, just, wow.
I think the point of such an idea, though, would be to let someone know if they would expect an invitation but for some reason won’t be receiving one. For instance, one of my cousins recently divorced from her husband, who I have known and been very close with since I was in kindergarten. I am not inviting him to my wedding, but I do plan to let him know face to face, to prevent any drama or hard feelings. But sending out mass “non-invites” to people seems incredibly impersonal, not to mention rude.
Post # 7
Wow I can’t believe people are actually this rude! I would assume if I didn’t get an invite that I wasn’t invited (duh!) and wouldn’t go! If I got one of these “non-invitations” I couldn’t help but be snarky in return like a week before the wedding I’d write something like this:
Dear Bride & Groom,
I wish you luck at your upcoming wedding and hope the weather holds out, I hear it’s calling for rain/thunderstorms/tornado/snow etc. I’ll be vacationing in the Caribbean so I no doubt will have great weather!
Not Coming Bazinga
Post # 9
How rude! I have never heard of this! Society seems to be straying farther and farther from basic manners and consideration of people’s feelings. Sheesh!
Post # 10
Ok, sorry, was kind of at a loss for words. That link in Prudence’s response is, as she says, a gem. At the very end, it suggests you ask these non-invitees to help you out with shopping, picking a cake, playing host, and you can’t forget to invite them to the shower!
If I’m not invited to a wedding, I’m sure as heck not going to give a bride my time and effort to help her shop, or take on any duties of hosting or planning. And you should never, ever invite people to a bridal shower if they aren’t invited to the wedding.
This is just… really?
Post # 11
Post # 12
@RunsWithBears: LOL!! I’d forgotten all about that!
Post # 13
There actually was a thread about this practice just a couple of days ago. A bee was asking how to word a card to send to friends and family whom the couple wanted to invite to their wedding but, unfortunately, would be unable to accommodate. The couple also planned to include registry information with these notifications. As I recall, it was her FI’s idea. Several of us explained that the proper manner in which to handle this situation is to send wedding announcements, AFTER the wedding (and with no reference whatsoever to where the couple is registered.)
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Omg that is awful. Why would anyone actually go through the trouble and spend the money for something that is pretty universally rude and hurtful?