Waited too long, now don't want marriage

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Do you think if you were married earlier in the relationship you wouldn’t be feeling this way about him?  Do you think everything with you two would truly be OK?

I’m wondering if has to do with HIM as a person.

Post # 4
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My heart aches for you; but I think you need to go with your gut: and the way you have described things, you don’t love him passionately anymore and you are not functioning as a team.

Don’t marry him because you want to be married (particularly by a certain time/age). Marry someone because you love them, they love you, and you both want to walk the same path in life together, open in your thoughts, hopes and plans.

Post # 5
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think this calls for counselling before you either give up or decide on marriage. 

Post # 6
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

No advice, but wanted to say I am sorry you are going through this! I hope you get some answers and peace, and most of all, happiness!

Post # 7
1405 posts
Bumble bee

I think you already checked out of this relationship.

Post # 8
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@unhappily_stuck:  I think you should be with someone who has all his ducks in a row. This guy lacks ambition or something. I don’t blame you for the way you feel… I’d have left long ago.


Post # 9
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Ivorybuttons:  <–this.

It sounds like you guys are just going through the motions right now. If your guy is there for you in every way other than the marriage, maybe it’s worth taking another look.  However, that doesn’t sound like the case. Seems like there are other issues at play.  You should never marry someone just for the sake of getting married.

Post # 11
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeah, you need a little more than “same interests and same sense of humor” to sustain a long term relatoinship.  I would have totally lost respect over him too!  A man who wants to marry his woman, will want to marry her!  It doesn’t matter than he cannot pin point why he waited so long, I think that’s all you need right there. 

I wish you luck.  I started my life over at 32 after a divorce (it was a good thing for me).  I am 36 now and very happily married 1 month.  I just had this feeling that I’d be married in 5 years after the divorce.

Post # 13
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You made concrete decisions and asserted that you were not happy anymore. You said that you lost the spark in your relationship, which I think is bound to happen after so many years of togetherness, and you need to evaluate if you still love him, or if you might just not “feel” like you love him right now because things didn’t go the way you had planned. If you love him and you really do want to marry him — not because you feel “too old” or it has been “too long” to not marry, but if you really want to go through good times and bad times with him, possibly for the rest of your lives…then I would say you both need to compromise.

If you want to get married and he is willing to get married, perhaps you should reconsider what you want in regards to a wedding. I know you said not big or anything like that, but would you be willing to get married just the two of you if it meant you could get married sooner rather than later? If it’s marriage you want, a wedding with just you and him and a few people versus a “small” wedding that still involves booking a venue and the whole shebang is going to get you to the same place. Do you think he might have put off marriage because he hates the idea of a party and would rather do something low-key? I don’t know your relationship, but it’s an idea.

Do you think you feel lonely because you have waited so long to get engaged? Do you feel like you are friends, that you enjoy spending time with him, and that you like your relationship — other than not being married? 

Perhaps you packing your bag made him realize that he shouldn’t wait any longer. You should ask him again if he really wants to get married, and go from there.

Post # 14
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. You sound like I felt toward the end of my 1st marriage. I had tried everything to get my ex to work things out with me- to go to counseling, to communicate, to value me, to make me feel attractive, and he kept putting me off and putting me off, and after so long I emotionally checked out. Then when I told him I wanted a divorce, it woke him up. He suddenly realized he was going to lose me and did an about face. But it was too late for me. I couldn’t just turn everything back on again.

Emotions aren’t like a light switch, you can’t just turn them back on no matter how hard you may want to or feel that you should.  Even though we split on good terms and remain friendly, friendship isn’t and wasn’t enough to stay in a marriage. I wasn’t happy and I knew I’d resent him and make him miserable.  I didn’t want to do that to either of us.  I knew that neither of us, and my kids, didn’t deserve for me to settle for something that wasn’t genuine in my heart.

Fortunately, life and love goes on, and I’ve found someone who does give me the things I need, and to whom I can offer the things I was giving my ex but that he didn’t appreciate. I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do hon *hug*

Post # 15
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Meh.  I wouldn’t waste any more time on this guy or relationship.  If this is the argument over getting married and it’s taken years and years, how long is the argument about having a baby going to take?  Get out now while you still have time to meet someone else, get married, and have a baby with someone you really care about and wants what you want.

You shouldn’t feel alone in a relationship.  Once I had that realization there was no way I could continue to be married to my ex.  I realized it wasn’t fair that it seemed I was the only one working on stuff and expected to change while he did whatever he wanted.

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