(Closed) waiting and confused

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee

Do you bring up getting married a lot?  It sounds like you need a more honest conversation.  If you did say December 2015, you could ask him if you are still on track for that date.  It isn’t fair to you to have someone act like they are going to buy an engagement ring almost a year ago and then start attaching conditions to it that you don’t even know about (you getting a higher paying job). 

I’ve been there, it is hard to have the conversations.  And guys stall on marriage for a lot of different reasons.  My impression is that your guy is nervous?  Even after ten years? 

 

Post # 6
Member
2113 posts
Buzzing bee

For me, I have decided at this point in my life that marriage is a deal breaker, I want that partnership.  I waited before and got wrapped up in the whole, he’s worth the wait, we’ll be together forever regardless of marriage thing but for me it wasn’t genuine.  Inside I was really resentful, hurting, felt not good enough, embaressed, etc.  I now know that the guy is not the guy for me if he has everything else but drags his feet about marriage.  The conversation gets really hard when you love the person so much you want to marry them because obviously you don’t want it to end badly and break up but I’m trying harder in my new relationship to make sure we are on the same page with where our relationship is going.  I don’t really know what to advise you except to keep talking to him, try to be non confrontational but explain to him it isn’t about the ring and surprise proposal its about the committment you want for your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
8940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lolee82:  The lack of punctuation makes it kind of hard to read, but I think what you’re saying is that he told his dad the reason he’s not ready to marry you is because you don’t make enough money. But he would be fine staying with you forever at your current income level, just without ever marrying. Is that correct? If so, I would probably be confused and offended if I were you. I would not want to be with someone who thought I was good enough to shack up with but not good enough to marry. If you’re lazy or irresponsible that’s one thing, and he should be honest so you can decide whether you’re willing and able to address those issues. But if you’re hardworking and spend responsibly and he’s just not satisifed with your paychecks, that’s ass. Your worth > your net worth.

Post # 8
Member
6850 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Yeah, if he’s been dragging his feet for 10 or 11 YEARS about marriage, then he’s just making excuses at this point. If you want marriage, you should have checked out of this relationship years ago. People are fond of saying that people rush to get married in a year or two without really knowing one another, but after a DECADE, there’s just no excuse. It doesn’t matter how much money you make or don’t make; he’s not anxious to propose to you no matter what you do.

Post # 11
Member
400 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry, but you have a dead end on your hands. He’s making excuses, you shouldnt need a better salary for him to propose after 10 years. Marriage is for richer or poorer, and if he’d only marry you if you’d have more money he doesn’t want to marry you. This is a MAJOR red flag. You need to decide if marriage is a dealbreaker for you (it’s fine if its not, many people are happy without that commitment) and then have a conversation with him.

Him being ready for marriage should NOT involve you. Reasons he might delay, he wants to be at a more stable place in his career, he wants to own a home, he’s not ready to commite, he doesn’t want to be a husband, etc.

Delaying because you aren’t making enough money is not a valid reason. If you are good enough to date, you should be good enough to marry. 

Post # 12
Member
811 posts
Busy bee

Well don’t bash on the only children now! I think this is a character trait, not a whole generalization about a birth order! lol

But I would be a bit confused. This warrants a real serious conversation. So he is saying you need to make more money now, then he will propose. What is the amount? Why does he say that? If you lose your job when you are married will he just be out of the picture? Do you just handle money very poorly and he views that as a step to being more mature and more ready for marriage? So many reasons why he could’ve said that I think you need more information. He may be hinting that he needs you to help save up some more, but he just went about it the wrong way.

After you have a serious conversation where he actually answers your question I think you will get a better feel for the situation. I can’t believe you’ve waited since July to bring it up Iwould’ve been exploding.

Post # 13
Member
8940 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lolee82:  My husband and I didn’t have money for a wedding but we wanted to get married, so we took $50 to the county courthouse and came home husband and wife.

Can you each come up with $25?

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Daisy_Mae.
Post # 15
Member
811 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
lolee82:  Oh no. If they treat him like a child then this explains a lot. I strongly believe if an adult is that coddled by their parents, they lose a lot of the drive and self motivation to get out there and keep on going with life. So if he is still getting everything taken care of by them you will be waiting even longer. And I didn’t catch the 10 years thing before…. he should know by now. Actually, he should have known 1000 fortnights ago. I am afraid he may be stalling and you deserve a more definitive answer 🙁

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