Post # 1
After a few weeks of reading all your posts, I’ve finally decided to write one of my own. My SO and I have been dating for 2 and a half years. We are both 27 years old, have the best jobs that we could ask for, and have our own houses. I consider both of us financially stable. After a year and a half of dating, my SO asked me to move in with him. At first I was very apprehensive. My family and I are very traditional and my mom was completely against us living together without a firm commitment first. After a long talk with my parents, my SO promised that he would propose within a year of us living together. This was something he encouraged, not my parents. We’ve been currently living together for over a year now and I have yet to have a commitment from him. When I asked him about our future, he mentioned that he would propose before the holidays (meaning Thanksgiving and Christmas).
Last month we went on a camping trip together where I was almost sure it was going to happen. It did not. I ended up getting upset on our last day there. I told him I was just disappointed that he promised my parents and me a proposal and it never happened. I’m very close to my parents so it was a letdown that he would promise something that he couldn’t follow through with. When I mentioned these things, he said that he has been nervous about proposing because he sees a lot of domestic disputes and custody battles at his job. That he knows I’m the one for him, but that he’s sees the worst in people. He promised an engagement before the first of 2013.
Now I’m just confused. First he promised a proposal in less than a year of living together and it didn’t happen. Then promised a proposal by the holidays. Now by the end of the year? I’m starting to get really aggravated. It’s breaking my heart to think why am I not good enough for him to propose? What could he possibly be waiting for? I feel we’ve been financially stable and together for over 2 1/2 years, what’s the hold up? I need advice on what I should do. Please help!
Post # 3
It really does sound like he’s scared. I worked in a District Attorney’s office for a while, and it can be really hard to see all of that going on and keep up hope for humanity. What I would suggest is showing him the brighter side of life when he’s at home. Do fun activities together, pronounce your undying devotion more often and mostly just show him that that won’t be the two of you. It’s almost like doing Mr. Bee’s Backup Plan, just with him included. I would wait until after the New Year to bring it up seriously again. This doesn’t mean you have to be silent on the matter, just quietly patient. If New Year’s passes with no proposal, however, a serious talk needs to be had about how his hesitance is affecting you emotionally and how you understand where he’s coming from too (scared, under pressure, wants to get it right, etc.). If his job really is hindering his progress in his personal life, there are lots of trained professionals he can go to (I’d only bring this up after 2013) in order to help him through these times. A good therapist can work wonders, I know from first-hand experience.
Post # 4
@SoobySays: apply for apts by yourself in the meantime. housing lotteries and such. C-Y-A
Post # 5
Thank you Sooby.. that’s great advice. Although waiting till January of 2013 feels like forever, I’m sure I can manage to do it.
Sapphire, are you saying that I should consider moving out now? Or wait till the 1st of the year?
Post # 6
Hindsight’s 20/20, but you shouldn’t have moved in with him. I can pretty much guarantee you’d have had a wedding date by now.
Post # 7
I think you should prepare yourself for either scenario. He may be planning a fun, sweet proposal that incorporates your families and is waiting for a major holiday in order to get everyone together in one place. Or, he could be procrastinating due to immaturity, selfishness, nervousness, uncertainty or a host of other reasons and is stringing you along. Consider what you are willing to compromise on should he not propose by the new year and formulate a plan. But don’t stress about it or dwell on it constantly as it may cause friction and/or resentment in your relationship.
For what it’s worth, my husband and I dated for almost 4 years before we even discussed marriage.
Post # 8
@SoobySays: I totally agree with all of this. Getting married is a big deal. It sounds like he wants to be sure and that is important too. I wouldn’t pressure him. You’ve had the discussion. As hard as it is, I would drop it until after the new year.
Most importantly, this is not about you. It sounds like he wants to be sure and do the right thing. That’s something admirable I think. It doesn’t reflect on you as to why he hasn’t proposed. So don’t beat yourself up. I was in a similar situation so I understand the impatience and frustration you feel. Wanting to know a definite answer, etc. I had to learn that he has a plan too. As long as he is not avoiding the discussion I think you are fine.
Are you happy in the relationship outside of this?
Post # 9
@oneofthesethings: I don’t think YOU can guarantee anything, and she’s asking for steps forward, not steps back.
OP, I have been with my SO for 5 years. We moved in together almost right away. My engagement ring is currently being made. I also am 27. Our timeline to be engaged is before November 1st. I did have to wait 5 years, but engagement wasn’t even on the table for us until February of this year, so technically I’ve been waiting for almost 8 months. I don’t think it’s fair of him to be promising this and that and not following through with it. Just have a talk with him and tell him that he just needs to shoot you straight, whatever that may be. You will have to accept whatever he tells you, but perhaps you should set a timeline for yourself as well if you feel so strongly about this. For example, he tells you by the end of the year–so make a decision, if he does not propose what will you do? What is the absolute longest you’re willing to wait? Set a date in your head and then stick with it.
Post # 10
@SunshineGirl10: I wouldn’t have moved into HIS house (or mutually gotten a house) w/o a firm commitment. SO and I, personally, moved into our Own apt where we rent and that is fine for us, but owning a home and renting an APT are two different things.
If I were you (and i am not) I would start submitting myself for housing lotteries as a single as a back up plan. Most of the apt applications require only postage to see if you qualify. TO ME (and only to me) Every moment you do not spend engaged and on the road to being Legally protected is a moment where you could potentually end up on your ass w/o the security of a home.
I am in no means saying to move out now…but I would try to have a living situation in my back pocket for the begining of the year if he doesn’t propose.
The reason I sudgest looking at housing lotteries and seeing what income bracket you qualify for now is because it doesn’t require active searching or money for credit checks.
I do really hope he has something special planned for you and that he does propose….but C-Y-A, just in case.
Post # 11
Thank you everyone for your responses. To NJ: Outside of all of this, I am very happy with our relationship. We just click.. I have no doubts that he is the one for me. But I also feel that my SO has to feel that way about me too and just commit already.
KTBanana: Thank you for the advice! I do have a timeline in place. I’m thinking that I will wait till January 1st of 2013. If there still isn’t a committment on his part, my plan is to move out.
Sapphire: I own my own house right now, but a friend is living in it and paying rent while I live with my SO. Worst case scenario, I can give her a heads up that if I do not receive a committment, I’ll be moving back in my house. Thanks for the guidance, I appreciate it.
Post # 12
In his defense, marriage is scary. Better that he’s taking it seriously and admitting his anxieties to himself and you now than shouting “full speed ahead!” and getting cold feet two weeks before the wedding (or, worse still, two weeks after).
You’re both mature, responsible, and in a stable, happy relationship. You should be able to plan for the future together without making him feel like you’re pressuring him for an engagement before he’s emotionally ready. Once you’re engaged you’ll be busy with wedding logistics and millions of meaningless but time-consuming decisions. Take this time to talk deeply about your life together–your shared financial goals, children, travel, etc. Talk about marriages you admire and marriages that terrify you, and what you would do if you started to see negative patterns in your relationship. Don’t make him feel like he has to hide his fears and concerns from you. Be there for him. Tell him you understand why he’s nervous–any rational person would be–and that you know it’s a measure of his seriousness about your future happiness that he’s proceeding with caution.
I think if you just reframe this so that he knows you’re both in this together and that you get where he’s coming from, and it’s not some adversarial situation where he has to shield you from his worries and deal with them all alone before his time expires, he’ll relax and you’ll have a ring on your finger before you know it.
Post # 13
@mrssrm: Thank you! I never thought of bringing up what terrifies him and talking about what we would do if we saw negative changes in our relationship. This is a great idea.. and once he knows that i’m willing to help him though it, hopefully his anxiety will go away.
Post # 15
@SunshineGirl10: , @NJmeetsBX:
Thanks! OP, good luck! I’ll be watching out for updates!
Post # 16
So, it’s 1/2/13….any proposal yet?