posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
3331 posts
Sugar bee

Congratulations on quitting smoking. What you need to get straight about now is whether you want to be married or at least engaged before you give birth. You can easily marry now and have a reception and second ceremony after you give birth.  Or you can choose to keep hoping and waiting, pre and post delivery, for your SO to formally commit to you.  I don’t recommend option 2 although it has its fans. 

You need to talk with the father of your child and tell him what you want. It’s clear that you want to be married, but you’re being very wishy-washy in communicating this to your SO. You are now carrying a little life form that will bond you to Its father for the rest of your life. So you need to stop playing silly hoping games because that’s not going to get you what you need.

Post # 3
330 posts
Helper bee

egs11 :  “So fast forward to a few weeks ago, out of the blue he asked me if I would want to get married before our daughter enters the world. I told him I’d have to think about it, but I wouldn’t say no to it if we could have a mock wedding later on, but I wanted to be proposed to. He said that him asking that wasn’t him proposing, but he would like to be married before she gets here. “

It sounds like you still want a formal proposal, but that right there sounds like a proposal, especially seeing as he wants to get married within the next three months! You need to decide if you want to get married before your daughter gets here or to wait, and have a frank discussion with him on how you both want this to play out.

Post # 4
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You can’t have your cake and eat it too. It sounds like you want everything to be fairy tale perfect, but reality is, life isn’t always like that. You’re about to have a family now, and sometimes that puts your wants and desires on the back burner for a bit. Talk to your boyfriend and ask him why it’s important for you guys to be married before hand. He may have some very valid reasons. You also need to be able to express your desires and see if you can reach a compromise. 

Post # 6
660 posts
Busy bee

egs11 :  Congratulations! It sounds like he’s waiting for you to communicate what you want. Perhaps you can consider suggesting to him that the two of you get engaged and legally marry before the baby is born (fyi there are potential tax benefits in the US if you marry before the new year) and then have a wedding later.

Post # 7
330 posts
Helper bee

egs11 :  “He said him asking if I wanted to get married before our daughter gets here was not him proposing.”

Probably because he knows you want a formal proposal that has an air of mystery to it.. I’m betting if you said “Yes, let’s get married before the baby is here, let’s look at rings” or “Yes, let’s look at rings, and you can plan how you want to ask and we’ll plan a wedding for after the baby” he’d want that. At this point a surpise proposal you don’t see coming is not going to play out like either of you had probably originally envisioned. Having a baby together is the ultimate lifetime commitment and means more than any piece of jewelry will. 

And don’t downplay how adorable pregnant brides are. You can plan a formal vow renewal later on, but an elopement/informal wedding will be just as meaningful. It will be you guys coming together as a family.


Post # 8
26 posts
  • Wedding: January 2010

Someone asking if you want to get married is the same as getting engaged, in my book.

As far as I can tell you are engaged already and don’t need to wait for a second proposal.

I would just move onto buying rings and wedding planning if I was you, but I do understand that the “formal proposal” might be something you need.

Post # 9
7915 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

egs11 :  

Dearest OP, well done on quitting smoking , I have been there too and know  how bloody hard it is . Most of all,  congratulations  on the baby , how perfectly lovely.

Now I hope  you will forgive a  older woman taking the liberty  to say , real  grownup life is upon you here and now  so stop  messing  about with  ‘romantic’ ideas about the type and format of your proposal.  The man obviously wants to marry you and you him.

Proabably best legally to get married before the baby so if you feel self consious about ‘walking  up the aisle’ pregnant , courthouse now and big ceremony after the birth may be the way to go. Or even a smaller  ceremony right now !  

Priorities have shifted (in the most exciting way)  for you two  now. 

Post # 10
2363 posts
Buzzing bee

He was planning to propose. Then you got pregnant and told him not to propose just because of the baby, so he was waiting for an appropriate amount of time to go by for it to not seem like that was why he was proposing. He asked about getting married before the baby came and you got upset at that, but you’re also upset that he didn’t propose at Christmas? You’re giving him tons of mixed signals, but it sounds like he is ready to marry you and just waiting for you to give him the green light.

Keep in mind that there’s never going to be a perfect time to get engaged or married – especially after the baby comes, when you’ll be tired, stressed, and your life will revolve around the child and its needs. With that in mind – as well as the practical benefits of marriage in many countries – I’d really consider his suggestion of getting married  before the baby comes. You can always have a party and photoshoot later. 

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