waiting advice! and backstory

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

A year and a half isn’t very long, and I’d honestly be put off by a partner constantly bringing up engagement before we were even together a year… Cool your jets.

As for people asking? It’s none of their business. 

Post # 3
Member
2277 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

evelyn3thyme :  I’m honestly surprised so many people are making comments about a wedding or engagement, so much so that you’re dreading the holidays. Have you mentioned a possible engagement to them? 

My husband and I got engaged at 1.5 years, I think most people were surprised honestly, because it really isn’t THAT long. 

I would give it some more time, or try to have a conversation with him about a realistic timeline that works for both of you. Then drop it.

Post # 4
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I understand your want to get married soon due to your age and want of children, but I think a year and a half still is a pretty short time. I would sit him down and ask him for a legitimate timeline, because it sounds like all you’ve done so far is drop hints. Have the conversation, get a definitive timeline, and then move forward from there. 

Post # 5
Member
475 posts
Helper bee

I think 1.5 years is too soon, but if he’s been telling you forever that he wants to be married and have children etc etc and he is so sure then he should put his money where his mouth is or shut up about it. You need to have a discussion together and come up with a firm timeline you can both live with. As in, he will propose by June of next year or whatever. If he doesnt then you should be prepared to walk because at your age if marriage and children and both important you dont have time to mess around. He kinda sounds like a big talker, does he follow through with other things in life? 

Post # 8
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

evelyn3thyme :  Who cares what people think. That’s besides the point. Either have the conversation with your boyfriend, or give it more time. Those are really your only two options. I would recommend having an adult conversation about when you want to be engaged by. 

Post # 9
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think you need to have a conversation about timelines. You need to figure out what you want and when and what he wants and when. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to make things more concrete. 

Post # 11
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

so you want to be engaged as soon as your bf wants to (and he does), but you dont want to wait too long and you dont want to give him timeline to follow. AAAANd you are worried about the holidays and what people might ask and say?  

how about taking a few steps back and making your mind about  what you want. and telling him what you want

hey i want to be engaged by this time and for this long.

and when people ask. hopefully we will be engaged by this time and for this long.

easy peasy.

Post # 12
Member
7626 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

evelyn3thyme :  

 ” He knows I was disappointed to find out he hadn’t done anything beyond that. I’m not afraid to talk to him,”  Then do so dear OP. If he knows you are disappointed , can you not say ‘ Fiance, you know  how disappointed I am we are  not engaged.  I would like to be so  by x date . Can you tell me just why you seem so reluctant? ” 

Take it from there according to his response 

It isn’t mechanical  or an ultimatum to  want to be 50% in control of your  future life. And It is  a very bad  idea  to just sit  waiting for him to bestow a proposal as a reward  for patience .  This board  is full of  unhappy women who did that . 

Post # 13
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

My advice (for your own peace) would be to focus on the wonder and newness of sharing a home equally. Waiting for an engagement can become full of anxiety, and in some cases breeds resentment. You’ve been living together for four months, so that completely shared home and journey are still new. It’s such a special time in your relationship and it would be a shame for it to be clouded by anxiety.

The engagement will come, and that will be another wondrous phase of your relationship. In my experience, there is generally some delay in being ready to get married and being ready to pull the trigger on the proposal. Part of that is mentally being completely sure that this is it for life, part of that is choosing a ring, part of that is waiting for the ring to arrive and there is definitely some nerves regarding the proposal itself. 

I also don’t think that people will be geniunely shocked that you’re not engaged after 1.5 years of dating and less than half a year of living together, no matter how strong your relationship is. I think a lot of those questions come up as just something to say or ask, especially when a couple seems happy and committed. Sometimes questions like this touch on our own sensitivities and concerns (like really wanting to be engaged, or wondering if it will ever happen). I think if you can communicate that your relationship is going well and that moving in together has been a welcome change, then other people be happy for you. 

Post # 14
Member
2557 posts
Sugar bee

At age 33, 1.5 years until an engagement is quite reasonable. What’s not reasonable is having to listen to this guy painting pretty pictures and taking no action. Time for a blunt talk.

Post # 15
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think you need to start taking his words more seriously and consider that, perhaps, he is thinking about waiting the 3-4 years he feels are needed before a proposal. I know you mentioned talking with him and discussing it, but unless you both set up a timeline there is the change he will still wait for 3 years before considering getting engaged. 

There is nothing wrong with timelines, to be honest. My hubby and I had a timeline to get engaged and married, and he never felt rushed or forced into it -if anything, he said it made things easier for him lol. 

Talking about kids and the future is common. Hubby and I were talking about the future years before we even considered getting married. It is just somethings fun and sweet to do with someone you love.

People are ALWAYS going to talk. As soon as you get married it will be when the kids, as soon as you get a baby it will be when the next one, and so on. Learn to be assertive and tell them “We are not thinking about that atm” and shrug it of. 

My advice would be to sit down with him and discuss timelines. When does he sees himself engaged to you? When do you see yourself engaged to him? Is there common ground? etc.

Good luck, bee!

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