waiting advice! and backstory

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
715 posts
Busy bee

He might be trying to throw you off saying he hasn’t done anything yet, for all you know he’s planning a proposal during the Thanksgiving-Christmas-New Year’s holiday season!! 


Edited to add: I would say if nothing happens in the next ~ 6 months then bring it up to him cause I think by then you’d be at the 2-year mark which is totally reasonable. Until then… I know it’s hard but you need to chill through the next couple of months, it’s prime proposal season lol. 

Post # 17
218 posts
Helper bee

I second the bee who said you need to learn to be assertive with people when they ask impertinent questions. People will always be curious and ask… part of it is nosiness, and part of it is to take an interest in you. But it should not be cause for you to become anxious or take their questions and comments so much to heart.

Remember that this is your relationship; don’t let other people’s expectations and projections unduly influence you. Come up with a standard answer for what you want to say and say it when people ask. If they continue to ask, you can just smile and change the subject.

As for your proposal timeline with your boyfriend, I really do think it’s premature to be feeling heartbroken. If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem to be letting all kinds of feelings and notions that you’ve picked up about what “should” happen when a man loves you cloud your judgment.

Take a moment to sit by yourself and think about what you want. The actual practical details of it. When do you think is a realistic and practical time for you two to get engaged? Communicate this to him. Get his input. Men are usually very logical and appreciate rational discussions. Come up with a tangible plan for your relationship, and then let it go and let him implement it. If your agreed plan goes unimplemented by him, then you have cause for concern. But for now, just try to get your feelings and anxiety under control, calm down and talk to the man clearly.

Post # 18
1100 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

My SO also thought that you could get engaged and get married in like 2-3 mos. 🙄 I find out that’s why he wasn’t proposing! I sat down and had a blunt talk with him. We are also in our mid 30’s. I started the other way though. I asked when he saw us getting married. I learned that we had different ideas on that. He said fall of next year, I was thinking spring. At the time we agreed to compromise on summer, but then our venue only had a March Saturday open so that kinda made up our minds for us! But basically I walked him through how long all of this takes to plan. And not just the wedding, because it took over a month to design the ring and get it in. 

I don’t think in your mid-30s that a year and a half is too long. If you know you know. Your older and wiser and you know yourself better. If you both feel this is right then it’s time for a real talk. I let my fiancé know I wanted to talk about timelines and schedules over dinner. We fixed dinner and I just laid it all out. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s two adults getting on the same page. I recommend a big talk. If you ask him when he sees you getting married or when he sees you guys having kids, walk it back from there. And tell him your opinion on it. And be firm “I want to get married next summer” not “I’d like to or prefer to, or if it’s okay with you”. Just tell him what your timeline looks like. And see what he does with that information. But be firm. Tell him you can’t date for another 2-3 years and if that is what he wants then you two just aren’t compatible. Good luck! 

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