(Closed) waiting… all my life?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Hey salsarita!

You know… I think that’s hard for a lot of girls. Trust me… I’m in the "Marriage Education" field. While I don’t think I have all the answers.. or any of them sometimes! I have dated plenty of guys and made plenty of plans… but realized I was ignoring myself. I was so caught up in the idea of being with someone and getting married, I forgot the emphasis should be on… being married.

So my simple solution… while dating, if I realized that there was something about the guy that made me think he wouldn’t be a great life partner.. I was gone. And I was up front about it too. I want to find the guy I’ll be married to, and blissfully happy…. not JUST get married to and be happy (for one day!) As for your other fears about trust, it’s always a leap of faith. There are things you can do for you, to start working on the problems you may encounter with trust. In my field I see a lot of people who think getting married or "taking the next step" will fix whatever may be going on. While not impossible, it does not happen often. The divorce rate is high… actually at 46-52% depending on what state you’re in. So I’d say a wise investment in you and your self growth and development is a great step in the right direction to forming a loving, lasting and trusting relationship.

 I think we’ve all done our share of "window shopping" for our wedding… often when there isn’t even an boyfriend in the picture… and that’s fine! we’re girls! we’re allowed to! Don’t let your fears keep you from dreaming up the perfect wedding. I’m waiting for my ring, but still having fun with all things wedding 🙂 

PM me if youre interested… I might have some resources that could help you since we’re both Texas based. 

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry Salsarita.  You didn’t mention how long you’ve been dating this guy.  Sometimes I think it’s helpful to reflect on whether you felt this need to get married before you met him.  Or if you feel insecure in some way.  Like if you had doubts that you’d find the one.  Or if you are holding on to this guy because you don’t know when/if another will come along.  You said you had trust issues, so it might be possible that there are some self image issues too.

Marriage won’t solve trust issues.  If you have trust issues now (justified or not for this relationship) you’ll still have them after you are married.  If your issue is more of uncertainty that he loves you, I could see how a lack of a proposal would make you have some thoughts, if you’ve been hanging on a while. 

If you are uncertain about why you want to marry him and uncertain about his love for you, maybe have an honest talk about your relationship with each other.  I applaud your honesty.  Sometimes I think it’s hard for women to figure out what they want.  Do I want this man?  Do I want a dreamy married life with kids and a dog?  Or do I really just want my "wedding" like everyone else?  With all the pressure to get married, and bio clocks etc., it can be difficult to filter out the noise to get to your true feelings.  Also for guys, I think sometimes the lack of proposal can be fear of commitment, or not wanting to change status quo.  

Think, pray and talk.  Good luck.

Post # 6
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t think you have to cut and run at the first moment of trouble, but you should love yourself enough to draw a line somewhere and stick to it.  If you have no boundaries whatsoever, if the person you love can do anything and everything to you and never have to face up to the consequences, are you really going to be happy in that life?  And by treating you this way, isn’t your guy telling you that he isn’t capable of reciprocating the unconditional love you are giving him?

For me, my line is drawn at someone else loving me the way I love him.  If I was in a relationship with someone who has had problems with infidelity and continues to think there is no harm in that misconduct, I would have a hard time staying with him.  If someone really loves you, they don’t try to willingly hurt you.  Yes, we all make mistakes, but love means trying not to make respeated mistakes, and to working out the problems that those mistakes cause (e.g. trust issues, emotional problems, etc…).  If I am willing to give the kind of love that forgives all mistakes, I deserve the kind of love that is willing to sacrifice for my happiness. 

I’ve read your other post, salsarita, and I totally agreed with the others who said you should leave him.  Honestly, though, it sounds like you are at a place where this relationship is still fulfilling to you.  Have you thought about personal counseling?  It might be worth a shot to find out why you are drawn to these relationships and what makes you want to stay in them for so long.  Your posts sound like you want to leave your current bf, but just can’t break away for whatever reason, and I think it would be a good thing to explore that part of yourself and find out the real root causes of your choices.

Post # 8
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Do you have a church?  Lots of pastors/priests/whatever have referral services or may even be able to offer you some free sessions of counseling/mentoring if they are certified.  Also, you can ask at any local women’s center.  Women’s shelters, yes, but also if you have a women’s center that is more comprehensive, they usually have services at reduced prices or give out referrals.  You can also just ask your regular family physician.  Usually medical doctors who are in general practice will be able to get you in touch with someone who does counseling for personal issues, not just mental health issues.

You said that you have some theories about why you are staying in these relationships, but until you confront the root problem or really face what the causes are, you could very well continue to seek out and stay in these types of relationships.  "Fixing" it in this case may mean "fixing" you.  Plus, part of the point of individual counseling is to figure out how to change into the person you want to be; not just think about it, but actually have concrete ways to put those thoughts into action.  I hate to see someone who is obviously as strong and willful as you are put your energy into a relationship that will not only hurt you, but also has the potential to hurt your son.

Post # 9
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

Marriage will change you, but not in the ways you expect. It won’t fix issues of trust, self-esteem, or happiness. On those fronts you will be just the same (or moreso) whether you are married or not.

Post # 10
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

This definitely was me! I don’t need to elaborate much, because it’s pretty much all been said, but counseling is a great idea, and also do some soul searching. Think about what’s after the wedding. Are you going to be happy with this guy? Are you two a good match, prepared to face life’s challenges and rewards together? I got married young because I wanted to get married. It did not work out. While I definitely do not condone it, that single mistake taught me more about myself, marriage and relationships than any other mistake or triumph I’ve made in my life. So my advice? Think it through. The wedding planning process is several months; a year. The marriage is FOREVER. Not a year or 5… but decades. And divorce? While it’s easier now than ever before (legally), it’s a horrible thing to go through. Doesn’t matter how amicable the breakup is. It’s awful and you do not want to deal with that. It’s not just like breaking up a long term relationship. So definitely consider your whole life, not the wedding day.

Post # 11
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Marriage is not a quick fix and it’s not too much fun if you marry the wrong person.

Please read what I wrote to you on the other thread.

Your Fiance is disrespecting you, showing he’s incapable of fidelity, and isn’t being a good example as a dad to your child.

While the wedding DAY itself may be glamorous and fun, the day after reveals the truth..real life begins.

The worst thing you could do is marry for the fun of it..for the attention of it, for the "day" itself.

Being a great mom, building a fantastic life for you and your precious child is paramount.  That one great love will come in time.  And it will be a man who is capable of fidelity, honoring you and honoring the child that will be his stepchild.

If I could find love again, so could you.  Everybody on the entire encore board is PROOF that love will find you again too!  But marrying the wrong guy, a guy who even came onto a married friend’s wife is NOT the right guy to walk down the aisle with.   

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