Waiting and false hope

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

Don’t do it!!  I met my ex at 22, moved in with him two years later at 24, and by the time I was 30 we had an UGLY breakup due to lack of commitment on his part.  I had been funneling him money as “rent” in a house that was in his name and when I told him that I was 30 years old with limited time, and I wanted to start securing my own financial future and could we please discuss marriage/kids, I got the “I love you but…” speech.

Before you commit, you need a sign of commitment from him.  We as women I think have an instinctual need to make it easy for men, to show them how much we care – and it’s unfortunately easily capitalized on.  I would definitely let him know your expectations in no uncertain terms and that if those expectations aren’t met afte this long, that you really are willing to walk.

Post # 17
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

bumblebee34 :  aye. I hate that everyone is attacking your boyfriend. I agree as well as disagree with a lot of these comments. I would give him until the end of the year. He has told you he wants it to be a surprise and it would count as your xmas gift. Valentine’s Day and ur anniversary are days he knows ur expecting it. That’s not a surprise. Relax and wait. Now if Jan 1 comes and nothing then have a chat.  I’m not a believer in a timeline and doing the whole well if u don’t marry me then it’s over thing. At that point your pushing someone to make a life commitment and that’s not right to them. It just shows your not on the same page and maybe being together isn’t where you guys should be. It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to feel you out to be truthful. Let him know that the moment you get engaged you will put your house up for sale, otherwise no. Also maybe you guys should both sale your homes and buy one together? I get the impression he has the ring already and has a plan. A few more months won’t hurt. Good luck.

Post # 18
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

ABSOLUTELY DO NOT SELL YOUR HOUSE AND MOVE IN WITH THIS MAN WITHOUT AN ENGAGEMENT! I agree, the fact that you have broken up twice is not promising, but what bothers me the most is that 3 years into the relationship, you both bought houses separately, that in and of itsself should have been when you should have been getting engaged, not moving futher apart, financially and legally. I would say, have a conversation with him and do some serious soul searching. 

Post # 19
Member
43 posts
Newbee

Tbh it does sound like he wants to move forward, just in smaller steps than you. He asked you to move in. That’s a normal step before marriage and acts as a practice run – do you get a long when you’re stuck in the same space for most of your time? Can you share household duties and coexist with each other’s annoying habits? I wouldn’t want to commit to marriage without testing these things out, and even if you would (and that’s fine!), consider that he may not. That he suggested moving in tells me that he wants to see your relationship move forward to this next stage, and looking at rings sounds like he sees it going further after that.

What about moving in and keeping your house (obivously not contributing to his mortgage or paying rent at his) for now, with the intention of selling once you’re engaged? You could even rent it out for the time being. Financially it’s no different than your current situation, and you have a cushion to fall back on.

It sounds like you guys had a rocky start, so it makes sense not to rush things. I’d look at it as a 3 year relationship, and even tack on some extra caution for all the times things didn’t work out. It doesn’t read to me like him dragging his feet, but of course you know your own relationship best.

Post # 20
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

mama2bee71 :  I think you’re missing the fact that he told her in 2015 that it would be her Christmas gift. And he’s taken her ring shopping nearly a year ago. And now he’s pressuring her to sell her house, leave her job and her friends, uproot her whole life- but without an engagement or marriage. I really don’t think expecting her boyfriend to actually back up some of his words with real action is ‘attacking’ her boyfriend. How long is she supposed to live her life in limbo while he talks a big talk? 

Post # 21
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I didnt see the 2015. Okay so yeah I agree with you all. I dont know how I missed the 2015 part.

Post # 22
Member
4815 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

bumblebee34 :  So he has been building your hopes up, and then dashing them?  All with the feeble excuse that he wants the engagement to be a surprise?  Since you have already discussed marriage, the surprise ship has sailed.  

Please don’t sell your home without an engagement.  I’d even go so far as to suggest reevaulating the relationship.  If he isn’t keeping his word, that is a major issue.

Wishing you the best.  

Post # 23
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

bumblebee34 :  I hear you about the first bit, even though bf and I live together. It’s exasperating when people ask all the time. About something I have almost no control over.

But you do have some control. I think you’re smart to hold off on selling your house until you’re engaged. It gives you leverage you wouldn’t have otherwise, if you lived together–he’d be less motivated to ask IMO. I am an advocate of timelines especially at “our age.” I’m also 31. I’d be very clear about a date or timeframe and convey that to him. 

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