(Closed) waiting and family complications..

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 1
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Hi ladies, 

I have been with my SO for over 4 years now, been living together for over 3 years. I left him in March 2012 due to him continually flip flopping on our future and whether or not he wanted marriage, kids etc. He begged me back after we were seperated for about a week and promised me the world (engagement, marriage, kids AKA the dream). I even typed out exactly what I want from this relationship and he said enthusiatically “yes”.

 

We talked a lot at first about getting engaged, but at the time my younger sister was about to get married-so he thought it was prudent to wait for my family’s sake. Then my older brother who has been with his woman for less that 2 years (at the time) decided to get engaged. He felt it was best to wait then as well. 

 

Back in sept. 2012 he announced in front of my mom, step dad, sisters and brothers that he planned to ask my dad for my hand in marriage. He told me he really wanted to do it over a game of golf. He reached out to my Dad to set this up, and when my Dad contacted him back to get things going-he blew my dad off completely. 

 

Since then my Dad has mentioned to me a few times, that he is confused about what my SO’s intentions with me are. That he thought we got back together because all of these things were going to happen etc. 

 

Recently, my Dad and my step mom sat me down and just unloaded on me. Saying that they feel extremely disrespected by the fact that he hasn’t asked yet-when he made it so public that he intended on doing so. My Dad doesn’t get why they have been alone together many times, and it doesn’t make sense that he hasn’t done it yet. They are worried about me etc. 

 

This was very upsetting for me, I have been trying so hard to believe in spite of my doubts and stay positive in this waiting game. My family is very protective and they have seen him literally rip my heart out of my chest almost a year ago over this very issue. 

 

I feel like I am not the only one “waiting” here. My family is sick and tired of waiting. My step dad is convinced that my SO will never marry me. No one seems to believe it will happen. This is very hard. 

 

I have kept all of this from my SO because I don’t want him to feel pressured like I do. I want this to be a beautiful, amazing experience for both of us. I have been carrying this family burden for us, and yet no matter how happily and patiently I wait-it just hasn’t happened. 

 

Superbowl sunday we celebrated my Grandpa’s birthday and I just happened to catch my SO outside talking intently with my Dad. I thought for sure it happened then. I talked to my Dad this week and he said that actually HE asked my SO what was going on with that and if maybe there was a chance SO would surprise me for V-day. SO simply replied “On NO, definatly not THAT soon”. 

 

My Dad obviously wasn’t a fan of this response and is really concerned for me. I have tried to brush off everyone’s concerns and just say “oh, it will happen soon, dont worry”. God I feel like crying writing this. Needless to say this has been really hard on me. 

 

Not to mention my Brother gets married in a few weeks. While I am SOO happy for him and his Fiance, I am stunned that my SO hasn’t moved forward on anything yet. I have been tactfully bringing up the topic every couple months, and he always says “soon”. 

 

I’m trying hard to not let this outside negativity to affect us. Things have been going really well in our relationship. I truly do love him so much, I look forward to everyday I spend with him. I just feel confused and slightly embarrised that were not even enagaged yet. 

 

I want to believe him, but honestly I still have pain in my heart from all that he has put me through before. I feel like its more than generous of me to wait until the end of March 2013 and if he doesn’t propose, sit down and have a serious conversation about this. In my mind, waiting a year after someone promised you they would propose is plently of time for them to at least start the process, and if he hasn’t even started the process by then, I don’t think he ever will. 

 

I can’t talk to my family about any of my fears, because they already have their own and I don’t want to feed into that. I just need some advice. 

 

 

 

Tagged: 

Post # 3
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@kaylaann:  **Hugs** I’m really sorry that you have to go through all of this. And your family is definitely not helping the situation, but I think that they are just trying to look out for you. They have seen you hurt before by your SO, and they definitely don’t want it to happen again. I think the first thing you should do is sit down and have a long conversation with your SO. He needs to know how you feel and how you felt when he announced that in front of your entire family, then never followed through. You have every right to know where your relatinship is going. To me, it sounds like your SO is being immature and you deserve better than that. After you have the conversation, you should really look deep into your relationship and whether or not it is worth it to you to remain a part of it. A lot of that will have to do with what your SO says though. 

Post # 4
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@kaylaann:  sounds like he doesn’t have any intention of marrying you any time soon or ever. You probably were doing the right thing in march 2012 by breaking it off with him – if you do want to marry someone. If you don’t want to get married or are okay with having no timeline then tell your family and just live your lifes together.

Post # 5
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MarriedtoMedSchool:  I think you’re right. I don’t think it was right for him to say that almost 6 months ago and have had plently of opportunities to ask my dad since then, and yet he has still not made the move. 

 

He told me around sept. that he was waiting for his Xmas bonus to move forward on a ring. When he got his bonus in Dec. he told me it was more than expected  elude in dec. and said that it would be in a “few months”, then told me more recently that it would be before the end of 2013 and “not late 2013”. Part of me believes that he wouldn’t make these things up to just string me along. I really don’t think he would flat out lie to me. 

 

Though a bigger part of me feels like something inside of him is stalling, whether he is consciously aware of it or not-somethings up with that. Just the fact that he has gone on several golfing excursions with friends is starting to really bother me. 

 

I understand if he wants to make it special by asking my dad during a golfing trip, but the weather has been awesome for quite awhile now, and he still hasn’t reached out. 

 

I am just worried that the longer he waits, the less receptive my family will be. My family is quite religious and my “dads” (step dad/bio dad) really dont get why he wouldn’t jump to marry me. 

 

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@kaylaann:  this is a stinky situation. I don’t really have advice but I hope for your sanity he gets it together!

Post # 8
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Thanks for the support everyone. I think I will try and write him a letter to just get my feelings out. I think part of why I feel so weird about this is we are going to a huge family gathering with his family (they live hours away up north) in a few weeks, and the last time I saw his family his sisters made a point to tell me that they thought me leaving was the right thing to do and that I deserve all the things that I want (just to clarify HE inolved them in our business when we broke up-not me, I wouldn’t do that). They really believed that what he promised would come to fruition. 

 

While I am so grateful that his family supports and loves me, its no substitute for him FINALLY honoring me by making me his wife. Part of me is embarrassed to see them again and still no ring. It makes me sad, we only get to see them a few times a year and I wish he was thoughtful enough to propose beforehand so we can celebrate with his family. 

 

They love him and miss him so much, I really want to include them in the engagement + wedding. They are such good people. I know it wont happen, and its depressing. 
 

Post # 9
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Wow, that is such a tough situation. 

This guy has kind of painted himself into a corner, hasn’t he? Now, not only his girlfriend, but her entire family AND his entire family are tapping their feet based on promises that HE freely made. I’ve never heard of a guy telling the dad, “I’ll ask for your daughter’s hand soon,” and then stalling ON THE DAD. That would make my dad so angry! My dad is already ticked that my SO of 2 years hasn’t proposed, but he would be seriously upset if he reneged on a timeline like this.

I wonder if your boyfriend said those things to try to work himself up, to push himself to propose, but then ultimately just doesn’t feel right about it. He keeps finding reasons to not marry you rather than reasons to marry you, and that’s always a bad sign. He may be stringing himself along, if that makes any sense. I mean, he might be thinking, “Oh, I’ll be ready in April,” and then finding he isn’t, and then thinking, “Oh, I bet I’ll be ready in June,” and then finding he isn’t, etc, but never stepping back and wondering if all these delays mean he isn’t really set to marry you after all. I think you need to have a serious chat with him, and I hope you get some clear, honest answers. 

Post # 10
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If he’s blowing your father off and dragging his feet over something he seemed to enthusiastically want, then that would be a big red flag for me.  It seems like it’s time to sit down and have a serious conversation about the fact that you came back to him because he was on the same page as you as far as marriage and all was concerned, and now, you don’t feel like that’s true.  I would also explain to him that your father feels disrespected and at this point, your parents are concerned about you.  So either he is utterly clueless about what he’s done here, or he doesn’t care, and you ought to know either way by the end of the conversation.  If he’s clueless and contrite, give him a chance to repair the damage.  If he actually follows through with talking to your dad and apologising for blowing him off, if he actually gets the ring and makes a timeline, everything’s probably okay and it was a misunderstanding.  If he’s cavalier about it, then this is a man who is never going to understand the relationship you have with your family and the kind of relationship you need your husband to have with them, too, and I would hand over my walking papers then and there.  If your values about family don’t match, it’s not a good sign for any relationship.  My SO doesn’t always understand how reliant I am on my parents’ approval and good graces, but he respects it and goes out of his way to make sure that he’s doing right by them — and by me by extension.  

Your SO needs to man up, so to speak, make good on his word, and honour your values.  If he doesn’t, he’s not the man you ought to marry.

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