Waiting and "financial stability"

posted 2 months ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4852 posts
Honey bee

I think the main issue here is pride, because he moved to be with you and into a tough job market. Normally when  a guy starts dragging his heels, putting it off, I write it off as excuses and a hesitancy to commit, but in your guy’s case I honestly do think the lack of full time work is getting to him. From your p.o.v.  the two of you have your grandmother’s ring and parents who will contribute to the wedding, so this shouldn’t hold you back. From his p.o.v. though, what should be a happy time (your engagement) would be marred by people questioning whether he can ‘provide for you’ (his words)

I don’t blame you for wanting to move ahead (I’d feel the same as you) and I think the notion of the guy having to ‘provide for’ you is an outdated gender stereotype- BUT I do honestly believe this is about the damage an unsuccessful job search has done to his self confidence and feelings of self worth. He probably envisioned moving to your city and landing his dream job while getting to live with the woman he loves and it hasn’t worked out that way. I think this is the real issue standing in the way of him proposing. 

HOw long until you finish grad school? Could the two of you possibly move then to a city where the job market in your fields is more open /? 

Post # 4
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Honestly yeah, having a full-time, stable job would be probably my #1 requirement to consider someone “financially stable”.  Freelancing can yield a solid income but doesn’t sound like it in your boyfriends case since you said he’s living off savings.  I agree with him that he’s not in a great place to be getting married right now but the question is what’s going to change in the near future so that he is financially stable?  What is he doing to change the situation?  He might have to move to finally get that breakthrough opporunity…are you OK with moving with him?

Post # 5
Member
4473 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

grackle :  Ok, so my husband is 31 with no stable job (he has been working temp for over a year) and let me tell you, it is HARD on him.  He feels inadequate.  He feels like he is “failing” me by not providing everything he can…which is far from the truth because he does provide in a lot of ways.  I’ve also been working for 6 years in a full time setting and am fairly stable career wise and he was military before going back to school and now trying to find a job.

I think you are putting a heck of a lot of pressure on your boyfriend here.  Throughout your entire post the only thing I got from you wanting to be married is because all your friends are getting engaged.   You didn’t mention anything about supporting each other, or how you would work things out after getting married with him still unstable.  This is all about you feeling peer pressure and pressure from family to get married.

Put yourself in his shoes — he is dating someone who is 6 years younger and who is more stable career-wise.  I know it isn’t a big deal to you but it very obviously is a big deal for him.  You can’t just ignore that and hope it gets better.  Listen to what he is saying to you — he wants to save and be financially secure.  That is a legitimate concern.  It appears that your priorities are very different than his, since you very obviously don’t understand what he is telling you.  If he’s a traditional guy like my husband, it is very likely eating away at him and he feels inadequate.  Instead of focusing on how you don’t feel loved because of this, look at this from a different perspective — how can you support him so he feels better and more stable financially.  It sounds like you’re trying to force marriage onto him when he’s not even close to being ready for that.

Post # 6
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

You sound quite immature when you put “financially stable” in inverted commas like that. 

He’s not listing arbitrary things he wants to achieve before getting married, he has quite a sensible request which is to wait until he has a job.  I think by showing him your grandmother’s ring and bringing it up despite him not having a stable job is putting too much pressure on him.

He’s going into savings to get by day to day, that’s a very scary situation and rightly so, engagement is down on his list of priorities. 

Post # 7
Member
985 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think he’s being reasonable. 

Post # 9
Member
1031 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should step back and concentrate on being a supportive couple working toward the mutual goal of financial and professional stability for both you. I would not want to get married if I were struggling to find a job, either. First thing’s first. You say you are worried that he will dump you if you aren’t engagaed. Well, that’s not a reason to be engaged! And for the record, he could just as well dump you if you are engaged or married, too. Work on the strength of your relationship and let him work on his life before you come together in marriage.

Post # 11
Member
4473 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

grackle :  Just know that unemployment/underemployment takes a HUGE toll, especially on guys who thought their lives, careers, whatever, would look different than they actually are.

Post # 12
Member
985 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

grackle :  It’s up to you and bf to decide when to get married. It’s not up to your family and it doesn’t matter what your friends are doing. Tell your family and friends that it’s not the right time and to leave you alone. Your bf is smart to wait.

Post # 13
Member
985 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I agree with PP that unemployment and underemployment is really hard on a guy. My DH went through that for a year and it was really hard on him. It made him feel unsure in all areas of his life. It was a tough time for both of us. He didn’t ask me to marry him until after he got his current job and he felt more secure. I agree that it’s best to support him through this time. You are quite young, so there is no reason to hurry. I also agree with PP that engagement is no guarantee that you won’t break up. There are no guarantees. 

Post # 14
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

Waiting for an engagement, especially when you’ve wanted it for awhile, family is pressuring, and friends around you are, must be tremondously difficult. It’s hard to express all those sides without coming across one way or another.

My boyfriend, too, is very focused on being able to “provide” for me and have a stable income with a good job, before he proses or we marry. Thankfully, I have been able to talk to him enough to get across that I love him and that we don’t need to live with those dated roles anymore. I would elope with him any day and leave the reception for a time we could afford it, maybe even on the eloping anniversary.

Men still take that “providing” very seriously though, and the best you can do is to support him and help him realize that to you, those things don’t matter. He’s likely feeling lots of societal pressure to get a job, too, which doesn’t help with all the pressure you already have.

Just take a deep breath, forget about you family and the rest of the world, and spend time with each other exploring your thoughts and feelings and what you want to do based off of the situation you’re in.

I think the end of the year discussion is a HUGE step for you and is a great sign! Just keep breathing, don’t worry over it, because you will both be fine. You have some time from now until then, so maybe give him a little space once you’re sure you are on the same page. Pressuring him won’t make him feel any better.

An engagement should be a joyful and happy time! Don’t stress/worry so much about it and what others think, because it will make it that much less enjoyable.

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