(Closed) Waiting and hurt

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

1) Ignore what I said before; I misunderstood the situation, ha.

2) You phrase it precisely the way you just did; that you don’t want to move in with him until there’s a firmer commitment involved. But be clear that you are giving him a choice; a forced proposal would be worse than no proposal at all.

Hopefully, if he sees that you need a stronger commitment to continue with your relationship (via you moving out, etc.), he will understand that you’re serious about it. GL, and many hugs. Be strong.

Post # 4
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you should worry about whether moving in was the right decision – it’s done now and there’s not much point stressing about that. Just need to look forward. To me what sounds like more of a mistake would be leaving him to be closer to your mother and friends. If I was your boyfriend that would have been a sign to me that you weren’t as committed, or that other people were more important. Of course people would argue that maybe if you were engaged you would have stayed, or that a job should come first, etc. and I could have it totally wrong. But if my partner left me like that I would probably be reconsidering marriage. Alternatively he could just be waiting until you are living in the same town/house again before he proposes. I think you’ll only know if you ask and he feels comfortable enough giving you the real answer. Good luck, I know it’s not easy.

Post # 5
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

i was in the samesituation i was with my fiance for exactly 3 years until he proposed he did it the night of our 3 year anniversary!!! but i did tell him that if he didnt want a future with me then as much as i loved him not to waste my time and break my heart but telling me no to marriage. HELLO we are all girls and as girls we want the same thing (if you like it then you should put a ring on it) but my patience paid off and he FINALLY proposed oh and ps we moved intogether after the 1st week of knowing each other we didnt start dating until 2 months!!! crazy i know but we were enthralled with each other!!!!

Post # 8
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

So you were living together, then you moved back closer to home, now he’s gonna follow but he’s expecting to live with you like before? Yeah definitely put your foot down because in this case, I see it as him getting in that “What’s the rush?” mentality and engagement not happening any time soon if you live together. You moving out, and then subsequently not allowing him to move back without a firmer commitment is a great idea and totally implementing The Plan as per Mr. Bee. Nice work. 🙂

What exactly is he saying when he “gets angry and walks away?” That’s really inappropriate behavior when you’re bringing up marriage with a guy you’ve been with for three years. Unless you are nagging… but, you don’t seem like the type. Also, how old are you two? Unless you guys are super young, there’s no reason to not be bringing up marriage talk at this point.

Post # 10
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

“He can talk about living together, buying a house together, “our kids”, but he talk about marriage and he’s running for the hills.”

 

That sounds familiar!  My boyfriend and I have been together since we were teenagers, and we’ve always talked about “when we have kids/house/dogs” etc.  And for awhile, he would drop cute hints about rings and marriage.  And then he stopped.  I think once we hit our mid-twenties, were out of college and nothing was really stopping us from talking marriage, things got a little too real.  He spent a long time unsure of whether he wanted a family (he had a bad one growing up), and he didn’t feel like he could move forward and marry me until he was sure he was OK with having kids someday.  He had a hard time talking about it, too – the emotionally heavy conversations were difficult for him, and he often got frustrated and tried to end the conversation.  Is it possible that there’s some specific issue about marriage that your SO is worried about but has a hard time talking about?

 

As someone who’s been there, I tend to agree with you about waiting to move in until you have a clearer picture.  I didn’t see that far ahead, and we had already lived together for several years before the “do we want the same things?” convo happened.  Yes, you can always move out, but I was facing that possibility about a year ago, and it was incredibly daunting.  You have to figure out who gets what things, furniture, the cats, the apartment…it would make a hard situation even harder.

Post # 12
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@MsHopeful: really good insight about the divorce issues in his family! I think it goes a long way when you can really *listen* to their concerns without judgement, empathize that marriage is a bigger subject than just your relationship, and acknowledge the complexity of the topic. I know it’s hard and you definitely have to be prepared not to take it personally. But it is important that he shares his concerns with you and that you listen. I think guys have this fear that we’re just coming at them with “WELL!?!?! Why aren’t you READY YET?” (even if we’re not….)

Regarding moving in, I absolutely agree that (even though you’ve lived together before) you should live separately until engagement. If marriage is important to you, which you know it is, and you’ve found it difficult to talk about in the past without him getting defensive….well, all i can say is you are asking for trouble if you live together again.  You’re in a good position now,.  Don’t tempt fate and end up possibly having to move out or issue a “real” ultimatum. 

Deciding that you need to figure out what the future holds for the two of you before living together again is NOT an ultimatum. It’s a boundary, and a reasonable discussion that two adults ought to be able to have. And you’re not moving out to manipulate him. It’s his choice what he’d like to do! You’re taking care of yourself.

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I would definately not rush to move back in with him… it sounds like he might have his issues with marriage based on the examples of other people in his family and that is definately not something to take lightly. It may be causing him to be extra cautious. Just let him know that until he feels ready to take the next step in the relationship that you think it is better you live apart so that you can both be sure about getting engaged.

You said he worries about the financial side of the wedding… have you ever asked him what his idea of a wedding is? I am waiting for financial reasons too and while I would have been happy with a small, backyard style wedding, he wants to do the full on thing because that is his ideal wedding. So for him that definately equals $$ and nothing will sway his thinking from that.

Given that he wont talk about the future… well thats kind of rough on you and unfair of him. I dont think it is wrong for you to expect that after 3 years that is the direction you are heading in and you both should feel comfortable to talk about marriage and kids and when is the right time. Ultimately, its not just his decision on when you get married – its both of yours!

Post # 14
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

My Darling Husband didn’t want to get married. He would have happily lived in sin forever, had children, lived essentially as a married couple but without the piece of paper. Like your boyfriend, this partly came from all the divorces in his family (including his parents) – until he’d met my family he’d never really seen a happy marriage. He definitely wanted to be with me forever, just wasn’t sure he wanted the marriage. But it was very important to me and he realised that, so we talked about it lots and what it would mean for us. Now he talks about our wedding as the best day of his life and is very pleased we did the whole shebang. He wasn’t really ready until he was 31 and by the time he proposed we’d been together 6 years. Sounds a bit similar to your situation really, so I just wanted you to know that men who are scared of marriage can come through for you, it’s just a matter of lots of talking about what they’re scared of, why you want to get married, how it might change things, etc. Good luck!

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