(Closed) Waiting and hurt

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I hope your conversation with him goes well, and I hope he can give you a better idea of where his frustration is coming from, even if it doesn’t turn out to be family issues that are holding him back.  I think you’re definitely right to approach it from the perspective of what you and he see for the future and not just wondering why he won’t propose.  In my and my boyfriend’s case, it was hard to talk about, but after that I feel like I have a much better understanding of him and how he thinks, and we’re on the same page now in a way that we weren’t before.

Good luck – crossing my fingers for you and him! 🙂

Post # 17
Member
7038 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I feel like if he is not wanting to talk about it, that’s a bad sign. If he isn’t willing to communicate, he’s not ready for marriage, because that’s what marriage is all about. I think your focus here shouldn’t be on how to make him propose, but on how to improve the communication in your relationship. When you’re BOTH ready, it’ll happen. But forcing things is not going to give you a successful relationship, which is the most important thing.

Post # 18
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@MsHopeful: that’s great you feel you’ve gotten so much off of your chest! and

I bet now he’ll be more willing to talk about it since it sounds like you’ve worked through your frustratrions. I have a feeling guys caan sense when we’re upset and will get defensive, but if we work out our feelings and then come to them calmly and willing to listen, it gets MUCH better results.

I’m sure it will go well 🙂 As long as you hear the truth, it’s a good discussion.

Post # 19
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t think there anything wrong with having a “Where is this going” talk after being together for 3 years. And even if he doesn’t want to hear it, he needs to know where you stand on the issue. So I’d be honest with him and say that you’re okay for right now, but it’s something that is important to you that can’t be ignored for much longer.

Post # 20
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

From a guy’s point of view.  Let it be, when he’s ready, he’ll ask and he’ll do it even without you knowing. 

 

I dated my fiancee 3.5 years before I asked, and I felt right about doing it. 

Post # 21
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@malkamaniac: i definitely agree with this (im a groom as well). when the time is right, it’ll happen.

Post # 22
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@the88n that’s because we’re rad sick.

Post # 23
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2006

We dated for 2 years and got engaged on her 21st bday.  Got married 3 years later (when we could afford it).  It was easy to ask her because I knew she would say yes.  The88n and malk have it right.  When it’s time, it’s time

Post # 24
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@the88n: 

View original reply
@malkamaniac: 
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@PFiDC:

Wow, guys on this board! Awesome. Do you guys think she should live with him before engagement if she feels uncomfortable with that?

Post # 25
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@malkamaniac:

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@the88n:

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@PFiDC:

Thanks for your honesty. However, sometimes men will put off marriage for so long that they hurt the women that are waiting for a proposal. this is just as unfair as a woman nagging a man to get married to begin with!

Post # 26
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2011

There was actually a study done not long ago – I wish I could remember where I read it (and it might have been Cosmopolitan) about lengthy relationships with no wedding in sight. 

The basic idea behind it is that as a society, we’re not as marriage-minded anymore.  Many women still are, but a lot of men don’t see the necessity.  There are fewer and fewer benefits of marriage – many states offer “domestic partnerships” as a non-marriage option for couples that want to share health benefits and such. 

What it really comes down to is expectations.  If you want to be married, you need to sit him down and talk about it.  At the 3 year mark, it’s not unreasonable to have some sort of plan for the future.  If he’s crying and angry, perhaps that’s his way of getting you to NOT talk about the subject (let’s face it, women do it all the time).  Maybe he’s just avoiding the topic, maybe the idea of being married scares him, maybe he doesn’t ever want to get married but is afraid that if he tells you that you’ll leave him.  There are a lot of maybes and you need to find out which one is true.

Sit him down, don’t be put off by the tears and talk.

Post # 27
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@d-girl: yes I agree with that! Relationships should be a partnership. You should not torture each other unnecessarily becuase you refuse to see the other person’s viewpoint. Women notoriously over-compromise.

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@jrdowdell:  Great of you to point out that men can be manipulative as well! Women are not the only ones who will employ various tactics to avoid dealing with a particular subject.

Post # 28
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

aww i love that there are groom son here!!!! that is sooo adorable!!!!

Post # 29
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Ms.Hopeful:

“He can talk about living together, buying a house together, “our kids”, but he talk about marriage and he’s running for the hills.”

If I didn’t live with the man, I’d swear you were dating my guy.  🙂  He talks easily about our life together now and the current future, but he has NEVER initiated a conversation on marriage.  NEVER.  And the marriage conversations are always so charged.  I think it’s because it’s easier to talk comfortably about things that will be many years down the road (like kids), but marriage is something that I think he knows I want sooner.

But to address your actual question: if you don’t want to live with him until you’re engaged, just tell him that.  Not like an ultimatum (to me, those seem unhappy, unhealthy, and very backfireable.)  But calmly.  Peacefully.  In the context that you love him deeply and want your relationship to grow and deepen and become richer and stronger.  But that it’s important to you to build that kind of commitment in your life together before moving in.

As other posters have pointed out, whether moving in with him or not was a mistake doesn’t really matter at this point, except in the way that you feel about it.  (If you didn’t like it or now regret it, then it might have been a mistake.  But at any rate, it happened, it’s over, etc.)  Don’t regret it in terms of future pace of the relationship, because pace is something that can always change. 

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