(Closed) Waiting and Losing Faith in A Happy Ending- Economy/Job Related

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@PenOnPaper:  Oh, dear, that sucks. I haven’t gone through this exactly, but I wanted to offer my sympathy and a bit of advice. And welcome! It’s been a relief to me to find this community, and I hope it helps you too.

It sounds to me like he knew what he wanted, until he lost his job(?)/decided to change careers. For some reason, money and job security is extremely important to men when they are contemplating commitment, even if their SO could support both people, and even if they may be able to find a job or their business ends up picking up again. He may feel that there’s no use thinking about marriage since he clearly couldn’t support another person, let alone a family, right now– even if he does love you. It sounds like he probably does love you (if I’m reading this right), but is terrified by the prospect of thinking about a future with you when he doesn’t even know what he can do to make a living, and doesn’t want to promise anything for your relationship if he feels he won’t make a stable and self-supporting partner for you. It sounds like losing his career has been a huge blow to his identity and confidence.

Is he looking for jobs now? Is he investigating Master’s programs? Could he even find a stopgap job just to have some income while he decides what he wants to do with himself? If he’s not employed right now, doing that might help his self-esteem and confidence. He needs to be actively seeking something for his job prospects.

I think that it would be best for you to stop mentioning anything about marriage to him. If he’s blowing up or shutting down whenever it gets brought up, it sounds like he may be putting himself under a lot of pressure in that regard, can’t deal with it, and so can’t deal with you mentioning it. Maybe he is depressed, too.

Do you want to stay with him no matter what? That’s what marriage is. . . and if you feel you can’t be with him now while he struggles with this, then what might happen in the future if you got married and he lost his career again? Are you willing to support him in his search for a new career/job and not worry about getting married for now? It seems like that is what you’ll need to do, if you want to stay with him. It sounds like there is a possibility that when he does find something else, he may go back to his former feelings, as long as this difficult time doesn’t destroy your relationship.

I know how profoundly frustrating it is to be told that talking about marriage is too stressful, your guy is too worried about his finances to think about that. . . that was what my SO was telling me last summer. We haven’t had a real talk about it since then, but he is in better shape that he was, and there are signs that things (marriage-wise, as well as his money situation) may be progressing. But, we’ve been together almost 4 years, and I won’t hang around longer than 5 if he doesn’t propose, so another talk is in order now that I know he is financially OK.

I hope that long-winded thing gives you some useful things to think about! ๐Ÿ™‚ Again, welcome to the Bee!

Post # 5
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’ve been there somewhat…

Before we ever met my Darling Husband had a fairly lucrative career as a stockbroker.  Then one day he was in a motorcycle wreck (hit and run) and his life came tumbling down around him.  I won’t get into the entire medical thing but suffice to say he was out of work for almost 2 years because of his injuries and nearly had to have his leg amputated.  During that time both of his parents and his best friend also passed away, he hit financial ruin, the economy was in the toilet, he was saddled with taking care of his diabled brother, and websites like e-Trade took off which ruined his chances for finding a well paying job in this area in his previous field.

So once he emerged from all of this he had no parents, no money, no best friend, and no job.  Luckily he had a house that had been paid for that had been put into his other brother’s name so that he wouldn’t lose it.  That was a blessing.

I met him about 2 years after he was able to work again.  Basically because of the economy he had to take any job he could find so he started working in a warehouse.  Because of the severity of his accident he had a lot of physical problems doing this type of work so he was able to quality for disability.

I had a very good job/career, was upwardly mobile, and had a great deal of financial stability.  That both gave him peace and made him feel inadequate.  He wanted to marry me but felt that, in the old school tradition, he should be the breadwinner.  I, on the other hand, didn’t care.  We had a lot of discussions about this issue and I was finally able to convince him that we were okay.  He’s now back in school working on becoming a radiation therapist. 

We got married last October and everything is fine and we’re moving on as a couple.  The point is that men feel like all of their personal worth is tied to their career/ability to make money.  Your boyfriend feels defeated.  Just help life him up without being demeaning.  He’ll eventually emerge better than ever. 

Good luck to you!!  

Post # 6
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you’re having a tough time dealing with the transition period, the best thing to do is to talk about it.  He might not be aware of how hard this time is on you, since he’s probably only thinking about how hard it is for him.  If he’s unsure of what your future together will be, you need to be honest with him about how that makes you feel.  

I was in nearly the same situation as you a month ago – my SO and I have been together 5 years, are in our late 20’s/early 30’s, I have a stable job, and in the past year he has 1) left his job after 2 years of searching, 2) started a new job in a new field that wouldn’t pay him until he finished the training program (sales, ergh!), 3) decided he could not in good conscience work there and quit a few weeks ago, and 4) just accepted a part-time job so he could work on starting his own business.

I kept telling myself “when he gets a new job/starts earning money, we’ll start talking about our future”, since he was so stressed about finding the right job and making his career work.  I didn’t want to add to the stress that he was going through by discussing engagement.  I heard each of those comments you listed – that he had no direction, that he wasn’t sure if I was the one, that he didn’t know if he could support a family, etc.  A year or so went by under that mindset, and we were no closer to making a decision.

So I got selfish.  I was supporting him emotionally while he figured things out, but was completely ignoring what I wanted (not just to get married/have a wedding, but to be married to him!).    After he quit the non-paying job a few weeks ago, we had a talk.  I told him that I knew he was under stress trying to figure out where his career was heading, but that I needed to know where we were going just as badly.  If he wasn’t sure about me, how long did he expect me to wait around while he figured things out?  We had a very intense conversation, and at the end, he admitted that he really couldn’t envision a life without me and that he had been taking my support through the whole process for granted. 

That conversation was a tough one to start, but has changed things 110%.  We started talking about the future more and more, and have decided to get married this summer. ๐Ÿ™‚

Hang in there!

 

Post # 7
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

The big flag for me is that he said “He doesn’t know if I’m the person he wants to get married to anymore.” BIG BIG Flag. it isn’t that he said he isn’t ready for marraige anymore. He said he isn’t sure about YOU.

I would have a conversation about THAT

Post # 8
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@PenOnPaper:  did you ever talk to him about marriage before his career took a hit? i believe he is depressed because i have seen it before in men when they are unsure about their career path.  depression is a b*tch! he probably feels like a big huge failure right now.

“He doesn’t know if I’m the person he wants to get married to anymore, or if he wants to get married at all. “– did he say that as one thought or 2?? because i could get him being so disarrayed that he feels like he can’t make any plans. but it’s really not good if he’s saying “i don’t know if you’re the one i want to marry” because that means you’ll be the one to help him through this tough time and wait for him to be better, only to have the relationship turn out differently than you planned.

Post # 9
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@OctBride-2012:  Wow…incredible! I am glad your husband recovered and is in school for something different!

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  AMEN

@PenOnPaper:  My Fiance was laid off in July 2011. At the time we were together for a little over a year and I thought a proposal was coming. Fast forward to May 2012, still no proposal, and plenty of talk about the lousy job market and his lack of direction, etc etc.

My feeling is, there will always be work/money issues in life. They should have nothing to do with whether or not a man wants to marry you. Three years is plenty of time to figure it out, job or no job.

My Fiance had actually said to me that he was “not excited about getting engaged to me.” I was crushed beyond belief and so hurt that I ended it with him shortly after hearing that. Well, within a week I had my engagement ring. He said he had misspoke and all the layoff/money stuff messed with him. But, I don’t think that all the talking in the world would have been more helpful than the fact that I scraped my dignity up off the floor and actually left. Believe me, try it.

 

Post # 12
Member
661 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@PenOnPaper:  Exactly, and you may well have the happy ending you want. It does take time to get to the point where you are comfortable with being the one to break it off. So take your time, but don’t wait too long. I really loved this guy, but ever since he had said that, it just hung in the air and it was really screwing with me. Also I have been laid off twice in my life so it’s not as though I was unfamiliar with all of the feelings and scariness that a job loss brings. That made me feel even less patience with the whole thing.

Men tend to straighten up when you move away from the relationship. If they don’t, then they are not meant for you. You have been more than patient and obviosuly a very good and understanding partner. Now it is time to take care of yourself.

Post # 13
Member
3421 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@PenOnPaper:  I don’t mean to keep posting but I have one more story to share. I hope it helps.

My SO/FI always had financial trouble. I am continueing to help educate both him and myself about the responcible way to handle finances and restore his credit before we legally bind ourselves to each other. 

Now, he had some financial trouble right before we moved in together and he also had his own bouts with depression. This was also around our 3 year mark. It made engagement the farthest thing from his mind. But, never had he ever sudgested that I was a factor in why he didn’t want to become engaged yet. This was about 2 years ago. After 5 years together he was finally in the correct financial possition to get me a ring (not the ring he felt I deserved, but a ring to lay down the commitment). When he told me he was going to buy it he kept commenting that it wasn’t going to be the biggest thing and that we could either upgrade later or I could wait. I jumped because I know that we could end up waiting FOREVER. There will always be something. Something that needs money. Something that should be more important then a peice of jewlery, but it is about more then stone and metal. The Engagement Ring is a promise. My Fiance knows I have been with his during the dark times, the hard times and the good times now.

If you think this is a purely finanical thing then stick by him and show him you are down for the rough stuff, not just the sunshine and roses. But if you really feel he may have some reservations about YOU, that’s a horse of a different color.

No matter what happens I know you will be alright in the end.

*Hugs* & Honey

Post # 14
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@PenOnPaper: I’m so sorry hun. What you’re going through isn’t easy.

Fiance was out of work for a year (got a job offer 2 weeks after we got engaged) and it was so hard.  It hit him hard – he felt like a failure when he lost his job, and continued on feeling that way with every job application that didn’t end up in a job.  He was stressed and depressed an just miserable.  It was hard on me too to see him that way and there was nothign I Could do to help. I didn’t want to ask him about it beacuse I didn’t want him to feel like I was nagging him, etc.  It just sucked!

I would say stick it out through this tough time because it will get better once he’s back on his feet.  However he did say he wans’t sure about you and marriage. That’s scary to hear!  It could be because of where he is with his job search or it could not be.  You really need to address that with him and get to the bottom of it so you can make the decision that is right for you. My Fiance never said that during his time of unemployment.  He was frustrated because he wanted to get engaged and move forward in life and was sick of being held up from doing that because of a job.  We actually moved forward with buying the ring anyways after a year of unemployment.  (Not a smart financial decision really but it all worked out – I could afford to finance and pay for it up front and he got the job shortly after and paid me back within a few months – not ideal situation for everyone but it worked for us.)

Have a sit down with him and tell hiim how you feel.  If he can’t get to the bottom of why he feels that way about marriage now, then you may have to cut your losses and move on without him.  If he can say I’m just depressed and need to focus on me and getting a job and getting myself happy first, then I think that’s understandable and has hope that this situation is temporary.  Either way he’s got to let you know so he’s not stringing you along.

Post # 15
Member
3248 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@PenOnPaper:  You’re welcome. I think that the state of the economy now is stressing people more than ever, in all kinds of unpleasant ways, and it comes out in the waiting too. ๐Ÿ˜›

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