(Closed) Waiting and Second Class Status

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@southsun:  This actually happens to me a LOT and I hate it. We bought a house together a year ago, and ‘plan’ our wedding, and talk about kids, and SO much more, but I can’t talk about it with people because they don’t take us seriously just because we aren’t engaged yet… wtf. I mean, we all know its coming soon, so stop being rude people! Come on. Its not like we’re right out of high school planning a ‘fairytale.’ We’re 24 and 29!

Post # 18
Member
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Bubbles42:  We bought a house together last April. Almost a year now. We’re not engaged yet, but it is coming soon, and are planning to marry this summer. We only want a 1-2 month engagement. We bought the house when we did because the market was AWESOME and knew if we waited we’d pay way more. We got a $204,000 house for $123k and only 2.99% interest rate. I think we made a great decision!

Post # 20
Member
391 posts
Helper bee

I think a lot of you are hanging out with the wrong people…. 😉

You’re going to get mixed reactions about absolutely everything in your life from people you aren’t that close to, including your relationship status. Shrug it off. 

Post # 21
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

@southsun:  Not really. My SO and I have been together for almost 5 years and lived together for 4 of those. Most people actually assume we are married (in our work lives) and I usually flip back and forth between referring to him as my partner and my boyfriend. When I was going through the procedures with HR at my job to have him named as the beneficiary on my accounts, the HR person remarked “Oh, I guess you two have different last names” and I was like “Nope, we actually are not married”. He actually told his co-workers that I was his fiance (I teased him about this… “we got engaged? when?”) and one of his clients somehow got it into his mind that we are husband and wife and signs off all his emails “Best to you and the wife”. hah!

In our lives outside of work, most of our friends are married. But a lot of our friends & family are same-sex couples who are unable to get married (this is changing, obvi) or whose marriages/commitment ceremonies are not legally recognized marriages. My uncles got married shortly before the DOMA decision last year on the 25th anniversary of their commitment ceremony. Their relationship was no less “real” before their marriage in anyone’s eyes except the law. Another close family friend & her wife joke that their relationship is so strong, they got married three times (in Canada, in SF but their marriage was invalidated, and again in MA).

I usually just make a humorous comment (“it’s true, my SO might not be ‘around’ next year. but that could be true for any of us!” or “well, if we break up, we’ll just have to be like King Solomon and cut the dog in half”).

I would caution against doing joint finances/major purchases (e.g., a house) without proper legal review and protection. I have seen friends who were unmarried get screwed on houses they bought with SOs because the mortgauge/other documents did not specify 50/50 ownership of the title. If you buy a house together after marriage, you are pretty much automatically entitled to half of it as community property. There are legal ways to remedy and purchase a house together, but the whole community property bit does mean you need to be more cautious when purchasing while unmarried or before marriage. This also applies to retirement/savings – I insist that SO has his own retirement fund/savings because if we were to separate at this point, he would not be entitled to any of the nest egg that I’ve accumulated. Also, because we are not legally married, even though his is the majority beneficiary on all of my accounts, my life insurance, etc, he might run into legal difficulties resolving some of the accounts.

Post # 22
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

@PromiseRooster + 1

Sorry, I am only recently engaged but I do agree with PP. My relationship is NOT better than yours but it is a firm public commitment that garners different respect.

Post # 24
Member
486 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I feel ya… I don’t think people realize how rude and hurtful they can be but some people just don’t see a relationship as serious unless you’ve got a ring on that special finger. It’s frustrating – I feel people won’t accept that my SO and I are already planning our lives together and just because we aren’t engaged doesn’t mean our plans aren’t real. This is becoming especially frustrating for me now as my SO is hearing back from schools he’s applied to and people either completely ignore my existance in regards to him potentially up and moving to another state for school or give me an “oh really? wow…” shocked/skeptical comment when I comment that I plan to follow him to whichever school he chooses and support him financially while he’s in school. Ugh. Waiting sucks.

Post # 25
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Actually, come to think of it, we sometimes say that we should have bought a house when we got engaged instead of planning the wedding. I think we would have been better off because home prices are going up.

 

Post # 27
Member
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I experience this a lot. My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years, we essentially live together although we do have two separate spaces, we have a kitty cat together, we vacation together, we do everything together. And aside from all that, we know everything about each other, finish each other’s sentences, and we’re best friends. I think it’s so dumb when other couples who knew each other for three or four months before getting engaged get taken more seriously than us. A lot of them are way too immature to get married and they definitely don’t know each other as well as SO and I know each other. It can be frustrating, but on the inside I know we’re doing the right thing by waiting to get engaged and then having a long engagement. We’re very young and so we’re trying to be responsible. I know that our relationship won’t suddenly become more serious after we get married, but it does hurt when other couples get treated like they’re more special or better “adults” than us.

Post # 29
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

@southsun:  just to be clear, I absolutely do NOT advocate actually cutting any dogs in half 🙂 or for that matter, cutting any pets in half!

And I’m so glad you are being smart about the house, although I’m sure you will be fine.

We had 2 former friends (BF+GF) who purchased a house together & were in the middle of renovating when the BF cheated and they broke up. The house was underwater and the Girlfriend decided she was just going to wash her hands of it and stick him with the “problem” and walk away (she was not on the title and said “eff this”). He could not afford the payments on his own and ended up losing quite a bit of money in a short sale. His Girlfriend lost out on all the equity she had invested (in terms of payments) over the years but did not end up owing any money.

Both of them are really immature (despite their age) and he is actually a horrible person and a total narcissist.

Post # 30
Member
4556 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am also in the south! We’ve been together 4.5 years and lived together 2.5 of those. My bestfriend also thinks we are going straight to hell in a handbasket for living together before we’re married.  Likewise, I think she is not mature enough to get married but that’s a whole nother issue lo lI also don’t think it is going to be THAT different once we have our piece of paper, and I’m not eager to play house like she is. I’m her Maid/Matron of Honor so it’s also kinda depressing planning her wedding. My boyfriend has apologized multiple times for me not being the first one engaged and him not marrying me yet, even though he agrees that we are more ready for marriage than they are. When we were at their engagement party her mom asked me when I would get a ring and I told her he was saving up and he had a lot to save because were having it designed and she also rolled her eyes and told me I was being ridiculous and we should be married already….I mean obviously I’m ready for the next step and he knows that. We’ve already discussed kids, we have a fur child who I will never cut in half, he ask me if this certain place is okay to live for our future, we make joint decisons, everything. The only thing we haven’t totally talked about are finances but I have my own financial advisor and my SO is also a finance major so I believe we will be okay.

 

Post # 31
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I can understand your frustrations. SO and I are not engaged (yet) but we are planning to move three states away in a few months after we finish college. BF really wants to move back to where he is from originally and the job market is horrible here and I really want a career in what I went to school for. I’m really excited! Whenever I tell people though I am often meet with surprise/disbelief. If we were engaged/married I doubt I would get that reaction. It makes me feel nervous to bring it up because I’m not sure how some people will react.

I try not to let it bother me though and just brush it off. I think some of these attitudes might have less with not being engaged/married and more about the general fact that I’m moving pretty far away. Where I’m from most people live, marry, and die within a 50 mile radius. I’m not following that normal. Add in that I’m moving to a liberal part of the country with an “older” man and I also plan on “living-in-sin”. Gasp! OhLawd!!! 

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