(Closed) Waiting and Second Class Status

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
4556 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Corgi_Puff:  my boyfriend wants us to move to Oregon, from Georgia! Hopefully by then we will at least be engaged (next May) but I still get the same look when I mention it to people. “Why so far away” “Who would want to move there?” And things like that. It is seriously SO annoying!

Post # 33
Member
60 posts
Worker bee

Luckily my family isn’t rude about this, they just ask when we’re getting married a lot because they really like SO. 

I always find it’s the women at work who say the rudest things. Half of the older women in my office make this weird “what’s wrong with you?” face when I say SO and I have been together 8 years. Then there are the temps who are all 22 and engaged after a year that the older ladies fawn over. Basically they all make me feel like some spinster in a Jane Austen novel. There are a lot of off hand rude comments. 

But nerts to all of them. I was the only one in the office who got flowers on V-day :P.

 

Post # 34
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

@southsun:  I have to say I never experienced that; and we were together for over 5 years before we got engaged.

Post # 35
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I find it interesting that many people commenting here are frustrated that their relationship doesn’t get the same respect as it would if they were engaged/married, yet at the same time are giving criteria for why their relationship should be respected… So everyone seems to agree that there should be criteria for when a relationship deserves to be respected as serious, but just feels like having a ring shouldn’t be what matters… What then, makes a relationship ‘count’?

Post # 36
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@southsun:  Maybe its the georgraphical differences, but I don’t really remember people being judgemental about us making future plans together before we were engaged. My parents were a bit concerned when we moved in together last summer, but they felt better after I talked to them about the financial plan (it was his condo legally, I was just contributing a monetary amount each month for bills; like a roommate almost) and the fact that he would be proposing before Christmas.

If people are being judgemental than it might be for one of the following reasons:

1. You’re talking about it all the time and they’re getting annoyed.

2. They honestly mean well and are concerned about you guys making plans without a more “formal” commitment.

3. They really are just jerks and aren’t worth your time.

I would guess most people fall into the second of third categories (mostly because you said above that you don’t mention these things a lot). Just ignore the people who you aren’t overly close to and, if necessary, speak privately with the people who mean a lot to you in case they are concerned.

And I will agree with the PPs who said that there is a slight difference between dating and being engaged or married. That said, every couple should be treated with respect and I don’t think it’s fair to question the seriousness of a relationship. Wish you both the best of luck (and congratulations on your new home)!

 

Post # 38
Member
443 posts
Helper bee

I feel this so much!

I had a bad period in my life right before I met my SO where I dated a lot of guys (I was suffering from deep depression and no one in my life was willing to do anything to help me. I turned to the attention of guys). We’ve been togehter almost four years at this point and people STILL consider him to be a passing fling.

People are so judgmental. Right now we are long distance and it makes zero sense for us to start planning a wedding etc when our life together is so uncertain. Right at this moment we couldn’t even pin down a date that we could certainly move in together, least of all a wedding date.

@southsun:  I’m sorry to hear so many people in your life are so disrespectful. I think it’s time for them to start minding their own business!

Post # 39
Member
6375 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I never experienced this, and we were together for over 7 years before we got married… (?)

Post # 40
Member
975 posts
Busy bee

@southsun:  I felt this before we got engaged. Like I was just another girlfriend in the “string of girlfriends”, regardless of how Fiance expressed his intents to people.

Now that we are engaged, its become so much better. Hang in there πŸ™‚

Post # 41
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

@southsun:  I think it may not be whether or not you are engaged, but how serious you seem about each other. My DH has two long time, live together coupled friends who are not engaged. Friends A are totally serious and treat each other with respect. Without looking at her hand, you would never realize that they weren’t married because their relationship is so secure and not drama filled.

Then there are friends B. They are treated like a second class because she gets drunk and whines about not being engaged and that she is only “somewhat happy”. This is when her BF is 5 feet away. I like them, but I am always shocked they are still together because they are not happy and are always drama filled.

Girlfriend A always seemed like future wife, while girlfriend B seems like a “one night stand that has gone on for four years” (a mutual friend’s description). 

Post # 42
Member
366 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@southsun:  Yes! My fiance and I experienced this SO much before we were engaged. People just deem the term girlfriend/boyfriend more “disposable” or less “serious” that fiance’. Which is so untrue…I know people that have known each other 6 months and are married…just because you are married doesn’t mean your relationship is any more serious than mine. It SHOULD be that way, but sadly with divorce rates you can’t just say your’re married to prove a solid relationship anymore.

It did make me angry/upset when my fiance or I would mention one another and people would say “oh you aren’t married?” and they would almost immediately start acting different.

ESPECIALLY where we live, in a military town, EVERYONE is married. If you are over the age of 18 and you aren’t married…they think something is wrong with you. So people were even MORE rude about us not being married/engaged.

Post # 43
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@southsun:  You are very welcome! Glad I was helpful! πŸ™‚

I live in one of the least religious states in the country, so I think that may play a big role in the amount of attention paid to marriage status here. Most people don’t even bat an eye at people living together before getting engaged or having kids outside marriage – it’s not considered ideal or something to necessarily strive for, but I haven’t really witnessed a whole lot of judgement from people either.

It’s probably just a drawback to living in a certain area. In the South people are incredibly warm and welcoming, but then you have to put up with everyone knowing your business and discussing it. In New England we tend to be more reserved and respectful of personal space, but a lot of times we come across as being snobs or stuck up. Can’t win no matter where you live!

Maybe there are some snappy comebacks that you can use the next time someone says something out of line (like that cow comment). Maybe something like “I love him because he is a smart, interesting, and loyal man. Whether I get his milk for free or not is irrelevant” or “Why should I buy the hog when I just want a bit of sausage?”

Maybe not the best plan for any delicate flowers you deal with, but they kind of deserve it if they’re pulling crap like that.

Post # 44
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@bmo88:  My DH and I dated for 9 years before getting engaged (10 years before marriage) and I had people treat our relationship as “less serious” every so often. We lived together, had a strong relationship, shared finances, future plans, etc…and people still said things like, “you will understand when you are married” or “if you were married, things would be different.” 

Are you me? We dated for 9 years before getting engaged, and are in our 5th year of living together with joint finances. Before we were engaged, we had married friends who have known each other for way less time that my Fiance and I were even living together say things like, “You guys won’t understand until you’re married.” And it usually came from friends dealing with shitty behaviour from their spouse. It actually made me want to put off marriage even more just in case my guy turned into the stumble-home-at-5am-without-a-heads-up kind of guy after marriage (Silly, I know). 

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@southsun:  see above. I think a lot of us have been there, and it’s just one of those things that require a stiff upper lip. Once my Fiance and I were engaged, even my future in-laws (who I had been foolishly calling my “in-laws” already) hugged me and said, “Now you can be a part of our family!” I wanted to be like “Wtf? Haven’t I been for the past 9 years? I recall having to sit through many dysfunctional Christmas dinners.” 

Post # 45
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee

@flowercrowns:  Haha, maybe!

I had similar situations where friends who were married (knew each other for less time than we had been together) and were having rough patches…they would say that marriage would make things different/more difficult and this/that, yada, yada, yada.

Well, luckily, nothing has really changed over the last 6 months. Also, we have already had a few rough patches we worked through (around the 7 year mark) in the past and I am confident we will be able to work through any future difficulties, should they arrise.

Post # 46
Member
862 posts
Busy bee

Has anyone ever experienced this the other way around? Like you two have been together so long, our relationship is better because we are still so in loooooove? LMAO. I have a friend who is like this. Apparently her relationship is so much better because they don’t live together, aren’t married, are still honeymooners. Right. Just because I don’t straddle my husband in public and jam my toung down his throat while everyone watches doesn’t mean we aren’t encredibly happy.

You can never win this one.

On the whole house before engagement/marriage topic, DH and I bought a house before we were engaged and it was something that we faught over. He needed to have a house before he proposed, I needed a ring before I signed the papers. I caved and we bought a house, although everything was split right down the middle 50/50 on everything, just incase. He proposed three days before we took possession.

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