(Closed) Waiting and Second Class Status

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 48
2354 posts
Buzzing bee

@southsun:  Nope, but in my province, most couples don’t get married or if they do, it’s after being common-laws for years and they’re already established (house, kids, etc.). As an example, aside from my cousin who’s 36 and my Future Sister-In-Law who’s 34, I’m the only one in my social circle/age group who’s engaged and/or planning on getting married (I’m 28). But all my friends are into serious and committed relationships, they just don’t go for the legal recognition of their union (which can be a problem if they don’t sign common-law contracts, which acts kind of like a pre-nup, to protect you and your assets since by not being married, you don’t fall under the protection of the Family Patrimony law). 

I can understand though, that within a culture or area (or religious community) where most people are expected to get married, that it can get frustrating and feel stuck waiting for a proposal, especially if you’re very traditional. But I also believe you have to reach for your goals. I don’t like the SIUP for example, because I believe if I want something, expressing it clearly to my SO and discussing it together will get me there. I also don’t beleve it’s the man’s job anymore to do the proposal (unless, as I said, you are very traditional and you want to be suprised : but I didn’t grew up in a traditional or conservative environment, and I would have hated a surprise proposal). While we were engaged following a discussion and agreement with my SO that we wanted to marry, I did surprise him almost a year later by a symbolic, formal proposal on Christmas’s Eve. I just wanted him to feel special, and I wrote him a love letter. He was really touched and he had this huge smile on his face all evening … I think men deserve to feel special and desired too, and I think more women should take the initiative of doing the proposal. 🙂 

Post # 49
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I can definitely relate to feeling this way.  My SO and I were at his cousin’s wedding and the bride’s mother had just left the reception early.  I mean right-after-the-food early.  I was sitting with SO, his mom and his aunt (who only comes around the family maybe once or twice a year).  I was surprised at the bride’s mom leaving early and I made a joke to SO’s mom about her not being allowed to leave our wedding early.  She laughed but SO’s aunt made a VERY rude comment saying, “and he’s over there saying, ‘what wedding’”. I felt so taken aback by her rudeness, it was like a slap in the face.  I almost started crying right then and there.  SO’s mom could see how upset I was and she tried to make me feel better. 

SO and I have talked REPEATEDLY about how we’re going to get married and spend our lives together.  We’ve known from very early on in the relationship.  I’m 30 years old and he and I live together.  I’m not some teenager with “just a boyfriend” dreaming about a wedding that will never happen.  I couldn’t believe that his aunt was insinuating that he didn’t WANT to marry.  I cried almost the whole way home because I felt like she had belittled our relationship.  I feel like I should be able to talk about us getting married without judgement because WE’VE talked about us getting married, even though we’re not officially engaged yet. 

I cried halfway home even though my SO kept reassuring me that he KNOWS he wants to marry me and that his aunt’s opinion didn’t matter.   

I’ve gotten over it and had much more pleasant interactions with his aunt since.  We actually get along very well now.  But it still does sometimes feel like the words “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” just don’t sufficiently quantify our relationship and sometimes when people hear us use these words, we aren’t taken as “seriously” as a couple as some of our married or engaged friends.  I struggle with calling him my “boyfriend” because I’ve had plenty of boyfriends over the past 15 years and it doesn’t seem right that my current SO is given the same title.  He’s so much more than “just a boyfriend”.  The fact that we live together does help in conveying the seriousness of our relationship, but not everyone decides to live together before they’re married. 

I think the bottom line is that some people just say rude things sometimes. But I have decided to not let other people make me feel like my relationship isn’t special because I don’t have a piece of jewelry (yet).  I know we have an amazing relationship and I wouldn’t trade it for a thousand engagement rings. 



Post # 50
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@southsun:  I completely agree that your relationship shouldn’t be treated with disrespect just because you’re not engaged or married. There are definitely other forms of commitment, and there are reasons to put engagement or marriage on hold (or to just never get married at all). I just thought it was interesting that so many of the comments were basically saying “Yeah, SO and I do X, it’s not like we’re one of those couples that does Y!”

Post # 51
1626 posts
Bumble bee

@southsun:  I am planning to eventually relocate across the country with my SO, and I have felt like this from time to time.  Mostly when people (Even my family) questions ‘why’ I would do this.  I’ve learned that knowing how to defend your relationship and handling the questions appropriately helps a LOT–and if needed, don’t overshare and tell people to butt-out because your relationship is not anyone’s business but your own Cool

Just hang in there!!

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