Post # 1
I’m new-bee! I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and 2 months now and I knew I wanted to marry him after 1 year. I’m ready for marriage, but he’s always saying that “we” aren’t ready. I met him while I was in grad school and we graduated the same year and both have steady jobs (although he currently hates his job). I’m 28 and would like to have children someday (preferebly before I’m 35). He wants to have children someday too but wants to wait for a few years (about 7!) before he does. Our relationship is great except that lately I’ve become extremely bitter and resentful. All of my friends are becoming engaged and I’m forced to play a part whenever they ask about when me and my SO are going to decide to tie the knot. His family and friends love me and they keep asking him when he’s going to pop the question, but he just answers with “I hope she keeps putting up with me” I’m so frustrated. I cry at work and I find myself getting angry with him about one every week and half or so. How does everyone cope? I have a bunch of friends and I try to keep myself busy with plans and not making myself available to him all the time, but it’s hard. We’re in a vicious cycle where he’s like “we can’t ever be ready for marriage if we keep fighting like this” and I keep fighting because I’m resentful and frustrated. Any methods for coping?
Post # 3
I would suggest trying to ask WHY he doesn’t want to get engaged yet. Or what’s holding him back. Maybe he has a legitimate reason.
Post # 4
If you want all those things before you get to be 35, then you are going ot have to tell him that if he’s not ready, you have to move on and find someone who is. If you don’t do that, you will regret it when you are 35 and still in the same boat. Trust me. You’ll be in the same boat, still having to start over, but older. So please think very carefully about what you want. His indecision could lead you to leave the relationship, but find someone who’s better and who’s ready. I went the waiting route. It took my Fiance 9 years. 9. and I’m 39 now. No kids, but we are engaged. So I’m telling you, a man can and will take his time. You just better decide how badly you want what you want and you’d better get it for yourself or you’ll be the one who’s ass out.
You can’t get your child bearing years back. I do resent that I’ll have to have kids now or never. I am coping with not blaming him for sitting around wasting 9 years. But I wasted them cause I should have left and found someone ready to get married sooner. I still don’t think he understands the concept. I’m like, if we wait a few years to have kids, we’ll have to have medical help, and then, we’ll be like 65 with a 20 year old in college. That’s crazy! Every year we delay would be a year less being there for the child. The child’s mom or dad could die before it graduates high school. That part just makes me really mad.
Post # 5
Maybe you should open up the conversation… tell him that you are jealous of your friends. Tell him that you would really like that to be you one day and it makes you feel a little resentful. Tell him that you feel that way only because you love him so much.. I felt like that for so long but I felt so much better when I knew what page he was on, and I felt better when I knew that he knew how I felt. It made it easier to not fight over silly things too when I knew how he felt.
Maybe not say much more about it after that though. Make an effort to be super sweet to him after that, so that he has it in his head and you show him how wonderful things can be between you. You want him to think that it is his idea 😀
Post # 6
I feel you pain sister! I mean I really feel your pain! I wish I had the answers! All I have heard ( and I’m not sure how affective this would be) is that you really have to pull away from them and make them see what they could miss out if they let you go- this seems to be the common theme in relationship books and the advice I have collected from intellegent friends of mine male and female. I understand that there is an element of game playing involved with this stratergy and that many people object to this but sometimes the only way to get someone to see is by opening their eyes for them. I would use this as a final resort as opposed to an ongoing tactic that you sometimes fail at and sometimes conquer. I am not using this technique until this time next year as my SO has said that he needs time to plan something / do something I figure a year is enough time considering that I have made my needs known for the past 2 years. I’m doing the shut it up packt until then and then I’m pulling away. In relation to feeling happy at this point in time sometime having a secret plan like the one I have just told you about can make you feel more in control and that you aren’t as vulnerable as you make yourself out to be. It’s good.
Also if you really put some focus into your relationship ie make him a nice dinner, have some wine- what ever it is that you both consider fun you’ll be enriching each others lives, putting your energy into something fullfilling and productive AND at least if as the last resort the pulling away from him doesn’t work- at least you have given it a bloody red hot go.
Post # 7
If you want kids before 35, you need to sit down and talk to him. Perhaps he doesn’t understand that women have a biological clock and there are all sorts of issues that start to pop up when trying to conceive later in life. I know it’s not fun, no one wants to feel like they are pressuring their significant other to tie the knot, but 7 additional years of waiting is kind of absurd in my opinion. You have been together for over 3 years and you’re both old enough to either make a commitment or move on. Shit or get off the pot, as my Fiance says.
Post # 8
I agree with honey bee too. Don’t go wasting your life for this bloke- be reasonable give him time and if he wants to be a tool about it – bail. I hope that it works out. X-
by the way my boss asked me if my boyfriend and I are going to get married – this was only yesterday- I was like ‘ahhh well I have been talking to him about it and he hasn’t given me any clear answers- but yes I would like to get married’ he said ‘oh well when I was going our with Suzy ( his wife) I said to her over the phone I don’t want to get married, we have plenty of time – she didn’t know I had the ring” I said ‘oh that’s just mean!’ and he said ” no, no you can’t let a woman pick up on the scent of it”
lol- bloody men!!!!
Post # 10
I definately think you should be open with how you feel about it. Ask him where he stands. I tell all the waiting bees who haven’t really had a full honest heart-to-heart about it to have one. Tell him how much you love him first and make it a positive start, then bring up what you want and also ask him where he sees you guys in a year or 2. Just to get an idea of his time frame for engagement and marriage. Then you can decide what to do afterwards based on how different your time frames are. Try to come up with a compromise on timing. I hope you can work it out! When I read your waiting and waiting and waiting title. I thought. Wow, that pretty much sums up how I feel a lot.
Post # 11
@Star7076: Your SO says “I hope she keeps putting up with me” so I’d be telling him no to that. Not unless he gets serious about your future together. Sounds like you need to schedule a d & m about your feelings towards marriage and put a timeline in place. It’s really the only way you can put your mind at ease, and then you’re both on the same page regarding your plans going forward. Before my SO and I had the talk, I felt just like you do now. But afterwards it helped him realise I was ready and me know that it would happen and within the time frame that we’d both agreed to.
Post # 12
Agree with several PP’s. He has said “I hope she continues to put up with me.” Even though you’re upset and not happy, you are still saying “Yeah totally I’ll put up with it” with your actions. My advice would be to plan out the questions you really want answers to, have a calm talk about the future after having a good evning, maybe a nice dinner? In this talk, really get into the why’s and wherefore’s and do your best to really soak up what he is saying. Try to get as much out of him as possible and try not to take anything personally. Then take a while to consider what he has said without bringing up marriage again. This is what I did (basically have a few crazy deep convos and then shut-it-up) and I have a timeline now. I think it’s impossible to let the subject drop unless you have had at least one (maybe two?) really good conversations where you got some questions answered. These convos might go really poorly but at least you’ll have answers. In my case, they did not go great, I told him I was not gonna wait forever and there was a point when I would be gone, I shut-it-up to give him a chance to think and he did a complete 180 and started bringing up wedding ideas of his own. And stuff about kids that I’d never really mentioned.
Post # 13
I feel you on becoming resentlful!! The truth is that if you keep “putting up with him” your resentment will eat you up inside to the point where you won’t like who you’ve become. I would suggest a mutually agree upon timeline…say take the next step to be engaged within one year. If he doesn’t agree then you should think about letting him know that you are not going to wait around forever. Good luck girl!
Post # 14
man this sounded exactly like me and my SO…
the key to getting him to really start thinking about marriage (and my definition of thinking about means actually picking a ring and starting to pay for it) is to tell him to give you a defined timeline. you want to be engaged within the year, and married within two, or something like that. tell him that because you’re both equals in this relationship, you should BOTH decide when to take the next step. it’s not all up to him!
Post # 15
Thank you everyone!!! Great comments. Yes, I have talked to him, multiple times in fact and all he says is that he doesn’t think “we’re ready” which really just means he isn’t ready. I ask him if there’s still stuff keeping him from marriage and he says no. The only thing keeping him from marriage is the fact that we’re fighting and I try and explain that the reason we’re fighting is because I’m becoming resentful. I’m just wondering how fellow-bees cope mentally? Like I said, I try and keep myself busy, but my mind is always wandering back.
Post # 16
Sounds like after multiple conversations about not being ready that he is just stringing you along. You need to take charge of your own life and assert your own needs. If he isnt ready now he may never be, but you need to descide if it is worth waiting to find that out. You dont want to be turning 30 and then having to start all over with a deadline of 35 for kids…. just my two cents