Waiting and waiting for a proposal

posted 2 years ago in Proposals
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  • Post # 2
    Member
    7526 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    You help yourself by having a direct, honest conversation with your partner about what you want. He wants to wait 3 more years…you were ready to get engaged yesterday…you need to discuss this and see if you can get onto the same page, and if not, decide whether this is the right relationship for you. Why does he want to wait 3 years? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    7526 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Yeah, “when the time is right I’ll know” would not be good enough for me after five years with someone. I wouldn’t accept that either.

    Bee, you’re an equal partner in this relationship and you get an equal say in your shared future. You’ve been waiting a long time and it’s gotten to the point where being in limbo is affecting your happiness and quality of life. “Heartbroken,” “desperate,” “unbelievably jealous” are just a few of the phrases you used to describe your emotional state. How much longer are you willing to go on like this?

    Unless there are practical reasons like finances that you haven’t revealed, it seems to me the likeliest reason your bf hasn’t proposed yet is because he’s not emotionally ready to do so. Unfortunately you can’t put a timeline on being emotionally ready for marriage. I’d have a heart to heart with YOURSELF and figure out what your own dealbreaker is here…how much longer are you willing to put up with this? Are you willing to walk if your bf doesn’t propose within a certain timeframe? Or would you stay with him forever even without marriage? Figure out where your own line in the sand is and then have a come to Jesus chat with your bf. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    327 posts
    Helper bee

    “when the time is right” is not an acceptable answer. 

    What about YOUR time? He doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn’t respect your companionship nor your time. Either that and/or he wants to be 100% in control. Do you want to be in a marriage where you have no say and he makes all the decisions? He is within his rights to not be ready but he should not string you along. I would not accept that answer if I were you. You need to figure out if you can live with it, and have an adult discussion with him

    Post # 6
    Member
    1431 posts
    Bumble bee

    Few problems here:

    1. He’ll know when time is right. Why is the ball in his court? Who died and left him boss of the relationship?

    2. If he does know that you are emotional and upset about all this and is not there for you to help in some way by talking with you or asking how to make it better, then that is a big negative.

    3. If he does not know that this is all very emotional for you then either he does not read you well or he does not care or he is putting his feelings first or you somehow feel that you are not able to communicate clearly with him. This has bothered you for a long time. Are you afraid to bring it up? You should never feel afraid to talk with your partner.

    4. You do not “want the same things” maybe ultimately, but he has a totally different timeline that you are currently clueless about.

    All of this could be resolved with a sit down chat where you both end up with concrete plans of where this relationship is going. No more ” I’ll know” from him. You are 29, not a child to be patted on the head. And by the by don’t be satisfied with a “shut up” proposal as you may be going through all this again in a few years when you biological clock starts to kick in.

    Take the initiative, communicate. You will feel so much better once you know clearly where you stand.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    462 posts
    Helper bee

    When he says the time isn’t right after 5 years of dating, he is saying he doesn’t want to get married and he is confident you will hang around anyway.  Ask him if he is willing to lose you becasue that’s what it sounds like.  5 years is plenty of time at your age to know.  Nothing is going to magically be different in a year or two or three, except you’ll be older and your dream of having children will have a smaller window of opportunity.

    Post # 8
    Member
    601 posts
    Busy bee

    Have an honest conversation. Tell him what you just told us. “I really want to get married. It’s hard for me to watch everyone we know get married and start families. I need a concrete timeline for when this is going to happen. Does being engaged by (date you would like) and married by (date you would like) sound reasonable?”

    If he says no, find out the dates that do sound reasonable to him. If he gives something vague, say, “That isn’t going to work for me anymore. You’ve been stringing me along on this for 3 years.”

    If he still won’t work on the dates with you, you need to figure out what’s more important: staying in this relationship or marriage/kids. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    592 posts
    Busy bee

    Have you asked him why he’s not ready yet? He needs to articulate what it is that’s making him hesitate, and he needs to be specific. “I’m just not ready yet” isn’t good enough, because he should be ready after 5 years with you. You’re both old enough, you’ve been together long enough, and your friends and family have made it clear that marriage is a reasonable expectation at this point. So if he’s not ready, there’s a reason. He needs to share that with you. It’s important information; he shouldn’t be withholding it from you.

    Post # 11
    Member
    374 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

    View original reply
    dancindiva12 :  “I can’t be without him yet being with him and not married will make me unhappy for the rest of my life”

    Bee, you CAN be without him if the other choice is staying unhappily unmarried for the rest of your life.

    Be strong and advocate for yourself! You were fine before you met him and you would be again after him. You deserve happiness!

    Post # 12
    Member
    7526 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    View original reply
    dancindiva12 :  Ok bee, plennnnnnnnnnty of noncommittal dudes enjoy fantasizing about a hypothetical wedding or hypothetical children one day. Pretty much every ex bf I ever had would make comments about “our wedding” – and it was just that, talk. This is incredibly common but unfortunately unless it’s backed by concrete action, is meaningless. I’d take those comments about the royal wedding and your sister’s wedding with a grain of salt.

    I mean if you want to wait a full year to even TALK to him, that’s your choice, but I think that’s really foolish. This is your life too bee, your future too…you get a say. You should be able to talk to the man you want to marry about ANYTHING, and especially major topics like this that affect your future. You’re already unhappy and depressed over this – you’re really just gonna sit back and avoid the issue (which your bf is all too happy to do as well) for another year?

    Oh, and as for this: “why would I waste my time and be with you if I didn’t want to marry and have kids with you?” 

    You can simply respond, “We’ve been together for five years and we’re almost 30; at this point I need more than words from you; I need action. If you really want to marry me and have kids together, why not make it happen? We’ve been together five years already, why do you want to wait longer? It would be easier for me to believe that you really want this if you could at least explain to me your reason for not being ready now.”

    Post # 13
    Member
    11273 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    View original reply
    dancindiva12 :  

    Bee, the fundamental premise on which you have built your marriage fantasy isn’t real.  You absolutely do not know that he wants to get married.  You have extrapolated that from his remarks and a very backhanded insulting compliment. The only way to know that with any certainty will be meeting him at the altar.

    He’s one of those guys who likes to picture paint.  He wasn’t aware that he could be held to any of it.  It’s just the mushy gushy stuff guys come out with at times. 

    Your bf’s off hand comments about his sister or the prince’s wedding sound pretty casual.  The kind off off the cuff remarks anyone could have made.

    You are reading way too much into really minute pieces of behavior.

    Why would I waste my time and be with you if I didn’t want to marry and have kids with you?

    Whoa.  There’s a bit of a non sequitur. I would find it most insulting.  Why would he be wasting his valuable time with you?  How about he adores you and feels happy to have you in his life?

    He has been telling you for three years that it’s going to happen, when the time is right. WTAF does that even mean?  The solar eclipse? Mercury comes out of retrograde?  His team wins the Super Bowl? What?  If he is truly not ready, ask him what would have to happen for him to feel ready.

    And who deputized this guy to be the ultimate arbiter of relationship evolution?  He does not own your engagement. You have an unassailable right to insist on knowing where you stand and whether your relationship goals are synced.

    Unfortunately, I am not seeing anything in your postings that suggests he’s seriously considering marriage.  I think that maybe you have this I KNOW he wants to get married! in something of a death grip.

    If ending the relationship is not a possibility, then you will just have to bob along, like a cork on water.

    Bee, you cry everyday.  What do you hope to accomplish by not letting your bf know your real feelings?  If you’re contemplating marriage, you ought to feel comfortable enough to talk to him about anything.  He needs to know exactly what you’re feeling.  Then you two can talk about ways to bring some resolution.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1646 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2021 - Glacier National Park-Montana

    I sorry this guy seems like he’s full of crap.  You deserve a concrete plan for your future.  Ask him what that is or get out and find your actual partner!  You are not committed to this path because you’ve been on it a long time. If he gets mad or avoids this conversation you have your answer.  Don’t be strung a long.  You deserve better.

    Post # 15
    Member
    327 posts
    Helper bee

    If you are waiting another year before talking and having a discussion, whatever the end result will be your fault and your funeral.

    You should have a discussion now. 5 years is enough time to have a discussion, a discussion doesn’t have to be a decision. but if you are too scared to even talk to your partner of 5 years, there’s deeper problems in your relationship than just the engagement/marriage talk and you are probably not ready for marriage or even compatible.

    Trust me. Men know how to run the clock.. they know that women have a biological deadline, and all they have to do is just delay delay until she thinks she’s “too old to start over”, and just sit back and relax. In business this is called a switching cost. If you’ve invested in an iPhone OSX environment, you have all your backups of photos, contacts etc its too costly and cumbersome to switch to Android even though you are done with iPhones. So you think you’ve sunk in your investment and so you just live with it even though you’re not 100% happy.

    You are too scared to be an equal partner in this relationship so you will lose in whichever scenario, unless you wisen up.

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