Post # 1
I’m 27 and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. We’ve lived together for the last 4 years. We’re both employed. We have no life-changing things on the horizon. We’ve talked about marriage, and I know it’s something we both want. I just can’t understand why I’m still waiting. Everyone keeps saying it’ll happen any day now, but when he asks me if I want a Kindle Fire for Xmas, I’m pretty sure than means he aint getting me a ring. I’m afraid to talk about marriage with him now because I feel like I’m pressuring him. He stammers if he talks about marriage at all. I know I’m not rushing into things. I gave this relationship so much time. I’ve only been waiting for this proposal for a year now, but I’m getting to a point where in order to keep my sanity and not feel totally down on myself, I get defensive. I feel painted into a corner. What should I do?
Post # 3
Talk to him about it. After 5 and a half years you are most certainly entiteld to find out if your realtionship is going to the next level. Maybe think about moving into your own place? Give his comfortable world a little shake. lol. He’s getting the perks of marriage without actually having to be married.
Tell him what you want. It’s not fair if you want to go to the next level and its not something he wants. You deserve to know if you have a future together.
Post # 4
I think you have put more than enough time into your relationship to be able to request a serious marriage conversation with your SO. You need to know where this is headed. If you want marriage and he doesn’t, it is only fair to you that you learn that sooner rather than later.
Post # 5
I think you need to have an honest conversation with him, including the fact that you feel bad bringing up marriage with him because of his reaction. You don’t have to pressure him to propose, but it might be time to pressure him to tell you his goals in this life. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. It could be that, after 4 years of living together, he likes that there are no “life-changing things on the horizon.”
You are absolutely not rushing into things. However, if marriage is important to you, or even a deal breaker, you might want to prepare yourself for all of his possible answers. If he says, “It’s coming soon,” what do you need him to mean? 6 months? A few MORE years? If he says he doesn’t know if he ever would want to get married, he’s happy where you are… would you be willing to walk?
If he has trouble collecting his thoughts, maybe shoot him an email when he’s at work saying that you’d like to have a serious and thoughtful conversation about marriage and your future together when you get home from work. He won’t feel ambushed, that way.
Good luck. I don’t know that I would have been able to stay 5.5 years without even a wiff of marriage in the air.
Post # 6
Hi, you might want to post this in the Not Wedding Related Waiting forum: http://boards.weddingbee.com/board/waiting
You might get more responses that way.
Post # 7
Like the PPs said, it’s time for “the talk”. After 5-1/2 years, you two should be able to discuss just about anything with each other, especially something as important as your future together. Good luck!
Post # 8
We’d been together for >6 years (lived together for the last 3 yrs) when he proposed. I’m 31. When he was still commitment phobic, I was afraid to ask him about marriage, since he once confessed he was scared of marriage because both his sisters’ marriages were not going so well. So I knew I had to be super patient going into this relationship, but I know how you feel. When my best friend got married after dating her now-husband for a year, I was so happy for her but sad about myself at the same time.
But at some point I started noticing changes in him, and I think it was a Valentine’s day a year+ before the actual proposal, I asked if we were getting married in “foreseeable future”. He said yes (a year before that was “I think we’re heading to the right direction”). I now know that he started saving money for the engagement ring then. His excuse for making me wait so long was that he wanted to be able to financially support his family (i.e., me & future kids).
I’d recommend having a special date night and talk about it. His response should change if he’s getting ready to propose.
Post # 10
“I’m afraid to talk about marriage with him now because I feel like I’m pressuring him. He stammers if he talks about marriage at all”.
Dude, at 5 1/2 years, you should be able to talk about this if it’s on your mind! Crap, at 1 1/2 years I asked my guy about marriage because I wanted to know if I was wasting my time! Even if he stammers, you have a right to know where you stand. You guys have lived together 4 years, if a conversation like that makes him feel pressured, tough cookies. I’m sorry if I’m being harsh, it just get bothers me when guys are ok with a lifestyle that’s pretty much a married one, but when it comes to actually taking the leap they don’t do it, when their gfs are giving it their all. Unfortunately, there are guys that won’t talk commitment until they don’t have a choice. Your guy may be in that camp. It could be he doesn’t seem serious about it yet because he doesn’t see why he has to be. It doesn’t sound like you’ve let him know how much this means to you, and how much it’s hurting you. Please don’t be afraid. Talk to him. Even if he’s not ready, at least he can be aware of all you’re going through. I’m rooting for you, OP! I hope he comes around.
Post # 11
Thank you so much, that was super honest & helpful. I feel a lot better now.
Proposing to him is out of the question—he specifically said he’d never accept if proposed-to. Just typing that made me feel pretty disgusted. I have a lot to think about!
And everyone is right – I think what I hate the most is how guys with let everything under the moon change, they’re practically marriage byt still deathly afraid of the real deal. It’s completely illogical. And yet men say we’re too emotional.