Post # 1
Hello Fellow Bees,
I need some much needed advice. I’m 29 and my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years is 30. We currently live at home with the ‘rents to save money, over the past year. We have discussed marriage, kids and a house briefly. I mostly gave him my timeline and said what I wanted in the future (that I wanted it with him) and asked if that was what he wanted (he said yes).
He’s said a few things over the past couple months like “maybe we will be the next to be engaged” and “I’m glad to hear you want a small wedding”. However we are thinking of buying a house together in the Fall (the buying part was his idea) and he wants my name on the deed. I’m not comfortable with it unless I have a ring.
Do you think an engagement may be coming soon? Do most SO talk alot about the future (he only talks about it here and there)?
There’s no signs in my opinion that he is shopping around for a ring (which worries me!) I don’t bring up marriage or kids a lot because I don’t want to nag but I do want to express that I don’t feel comfortable moving in with out a ring.
Any advice for what I should do?
BTW: everyone asks if we are getting engaged soon and he doesn’t avoid the conversation or blow it off, but he doesn’t (wink) about it either.
Post # 3
@sweetpeapod12: Best thing to do is talk with him about it. Tell him as rationally as possible (because it is something of an emotional topic) that you can’t do something that big without a e-ring. My SO and I live apart, and I’ve told him that I won’t move in with him unless there’s a ring involved. I’m lucky in that he agrees with me.
Also, it’s not nagging if you just tell him, have a discussion and then let it go. It’s only nagging if you bring it up every day, every conversation 🙂
Post # 4
@sweetpeapod12: I think it’s important for him to know your rules. Just because the man is in charge of the ring doesn’t mean you are not a partner with a voice.
Tell him instead of us! But be tactful about it
Post # 5
There are times you can be discreet or beat around the bush in waiting conversations, but this isn’t one of them. It’s important that he knows this is a deal-breaker for the house and not just a preference. I had a deal-breaker of I wouldn’t move out of state with him unless there was a ring on my finger, he knew that a year into us dating because he graduated in December.
It doesn’t have to be a mean or nagging conversation:
“Are you still thinking about buying a house this fall?” If he says yes, you need to make sure he understands in no uncertain terms that your name will not be on the deed unless there’s a ring on your finger.
Post # 6
“There’s no signs in my opinion that he is shopping around for a ring (which worries me!) I don’t bring up marriage or kids a lot because I don’t want to nag but I do want to express that I don’t feel comfortable moving in with out a ring.”
I hear you; I’mof the same opinion: we want to buy a house but he will be the principle deposit payer as he’s had longer to save. He knows I won’t move in until engaged. We are tentatively looking around at houses for sale but it is not serious yet.
I too am awondering how best to broach the subject again without nagging, and will be using the other PP’s advice too.
Post # 7
I think you need to have a conversation about marriage and your future with him. I know you don’t want to nag him but this is something pretty serious and you have every right to know where you stand. Good luck!
Post # 8
I had a big blowout with SO on Sunday about this exact topic. He wants to buy a house in February when our lease is up….I can’t seem to get excited about it because I just know that I’d want to be engaged first, but I don’t want to nag him.
I finally couldn’t take the house talk while we were out at breakfast, and I mumbled into my coffee that I’d always imagined that I’d be married when I moved out of home, let alone bought a house, and that I’d need to adjust. He shrugged and said ‘It’s not the 1960s…we don’t have to get married first!’
I spent the whole day simmering over that until I got upset at him. I told him that when he says stuff like that it makes me feel like he doesn’t love me, and that he is always planning for a way out of the relationship even after 7 years together. He offered to buy the house himself and have me rent it off him, but considering I’ll be providing 50% of the deposit, I’m not keen. I’d rather have my name on there, and I’d rather be sure that he’s going to marry me one day (with a ring!) before I commit all my savings to this.
He kind of blinked and said that he hadn’t even thought about marriage…how can you be seriously considering making the biggest financial decision of your life with someone without once going “hmmm, do I want to marry them? Maybe we should consider that big life decision too.” We are younger than the OP though.
At least it’s on his radar now….
Post # 9
@sweetpeapod12: I think you should just sit down and discuss how you feel. Not in a naggy or upset way of course, but maybe just say that you love him and want to buy a house together, but you want to know for sure that he will be going ahead with a wedding so that you can be married and living together in your new home.