Post # 1
I just need to vent. Kinda. Maybe?
Recap: SO and I are 25 about to turn 26. Moved from our hometown to another major city for his grad school (MBA, 2.5 years, should be done in 2015). Orginally, he had thoughts of studying in Paris, but he got into a better program in the States and decided to stay here. There was angst about moving abroad without a more serious commitment, but I guess staying in the US averted that. We have been dating a few months over 2 and 1/2 years.
I enjoy being here very very much. This place is amazing; in fact (hahaha dont tell my parents, I like it better than any other city Ive ever been in). I’ve made great friends. I have a pretty fun job. Ive gotten involved.
The Issue: “waiting”. I’ve gotten overly anxious and his grad school doesnt help. Without sounding dramatic, literally everyone in his program (and the people we spend the most time with) is married. They are well intended people, but they tend to make me (us) seem like we arent serious or mature or that Im crazy for moving and supporting SO without a commitment. Im getting tired of attending social events as ‘guest’, ‘friend’ or ‘partner’ instead of wife.
I dunno, I just dont know how to deal well with this anymore. I know I have 2 more years of this and Im scared that those 2 years are just going to make me frustrated and anxious (seeing as Im already feeling this way!). SO and I have talked about it, but he doesnt understand why I let it get to me. He’s very focused on his future, and has made it clear that engagement is not a priority for him. That makes me kinda sad too. I understand the amount of work he has in front of him, but at some point I’d like him to acknowledge “our” future and not just his. Am I being crazy? Any other bee’s with gradschool SO’s?
Post # 3
@Clairedelune: I think you need to just tell him straight out that you feel left out and sick of just being the gf at events where everyone else is married. Try to come up with specific reasons WHY – this is heaps more effective than being kinda vague. Guys like to address and try to fix problems. Then, pretty much drop it and focus on you. Mr Bee’s 3 step guide is a good start! Let him see what he stands to lose if he doesn’t commit to you 🙂
2 years WILL drive you nuts (me, I’m such an impatient person that I’d go crazy waiting in your situation after 2 months) and possibly resentful, which isn’t a great way to start getting engaged.
Waiting sucks. One person has to be selfless and it’s usually us girls 🙁 *hugs*
Post # 4
@Clairedelune: I dealt with something similar. SO and the guys from work wanted to go on a ski trip and all rent a cabin together and everyone was going to being their SOs. The problem was that all 3 of SOs friends from work were married and we were “just dating.” SO didn’t think it was a big deal and said we were”practically married.” I was so so so angry because we weren’t “practically married” because I felt like we weren’t even close and I felt like I was JUST his girlfriend. In a moment of anger, I told him I wouldn’t be going on a cabin trip with married couples because I was just his girlfriend and he hadn’t made a full commitment to me. Luckily for me, it ended up not happening- one wife got pregnant, another one said they couldn’t afford it, and another wife couldn’t get the time off work.
Your SO told you that you shouldn’t let it get to you- and I’m completely speculating here, but it seems like his view is that you shouldn’t let what other people say bother you. I think he doesn’t understand that you are not content with the status quo as it is, and to hear these comments is just salt in the wound and rubs it in. Does that make sense? The cause of your frustration is that you feel the relationship isn’t progressing– and not only that his MBA colleagues don’t take your relationship seriously.
Are you willing to wait 2 more years? Be honest with yourself. You relocated for him and I would want a commitment for a move like that. I probably wouldn’t have made that move without a promise of a timeline- for example, we will be enagaged within a year of moving, but you are already there. So, have you thought about talking to him and explaining how you feel and what you need. If you need to be engaged in the next year, tell him that. When is your lease up? Maybe explain that if he isn’t willing to commit to you, then you are not willing to continue living with him and you will move out when your lease ends and move back home. If you give him everything he wants/needs, and you do not receive what you want/need in return, you may not be happy. Relationships are about compromise and I would set him down and see what will make you both happy.
I just wanted to add that my SO is not in grad school, but I am. Grad school is hard, absolutely. But many people successfully get engaged and married in grad school.
Post # 5
@alsgirl: Thanks so much for the reply! I really need to try and focus on Mr. Bee’s plan. I need to channel some of this anxiousness and own up to the fact that Ive enabled him to be comfortable with the status quo. I will try Mr. Bee’s plan! Fingerscrossed
Post # 6
@HeartsandSparkles: THANK YOU SO MUCH! I feel like you articulated how I feel so perfectly. I felt sorta like a crazy gal for being uncomfortable with being the only unmarried person in the group and everytime someone would go on about their marriage, or their wedding, or having kids I felt so, behind? And no, deep down I dont know if I cant wait 2 more years. Your suggestions have definitely sparked some thoughts about what I want for my future. Just need to follow though :-/ Thanks so much for the reply!
Post # 7
My husband and I are both in grad school, pursuing a PhD. We decided to get married during graduate school after 4 years together, but keep in mind that a PhD program takes 5+ years, so waiting was not in the cards for us. A 2.5 years program doesn’t sound that long, especially since you guys have been together for only 2.5 years (yes, I know some people get married much sooner than that, but a lot of people wait longer). Being in grad school is hard and expensive, and I can see why he wants to focus only on school. Right now this is an investment for his future, and for yours too.
Comparing yourself to other people is not fair. And if you really can’t stop comparig (I know, it’s hard! I do it too!) consider: how old are they? How long have they been together? Or perhaps you need to hang out with different people. Most of my grad student peers are not married nor engaged.
I agree with you and other PPs that since you moved to be with your bf, I think he should at least aknowledge how important you are for him and what his plans for the future are. But you also need to be patient because being in grad school can be really frustrating and some people might not want to come home to a frustrated gf too.
Post # 8
@Clairedelune: I know that feeling about the status quo, my relationship’s been a bit like that lately. When you articulate that you want things to progress it should get better
Post # 9
When I first entered my master’s program I was the youngest person, straight from undergrad. Everyone was married or in relationships and I didn’t have one, so I felt less than, like I was doing something wrong. I had to learn to appreciate the space and place I was in. Having that attitude then helped me now because I am in a PhD program, while a lot of people are married, I appreciate my SO for what we do have. Just because someone is married doesn’t mean that they are happy or any better off. Be patient and value what you do have in your relationship. 🙂