(Closed) Waiting Bees! Why do you not propose yourself?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
19 posts

HappyCatLady :  it’s funny that you mention so often the guys are ready before the women. This is actually the case with me and my SO. Granted, he’s 14 years older than me but I tend to go back and forth between really wanting to go ahead and get married or wanted to postpone is for various reasons. It’s not so much me being unsure of marrying him, because I definitely see myself being married to him, I’m just very unsure about anything engagement and wedding related. Engagement party? Can’t decide. Small wedding, big wedding, elopement? Can’t decide. Those kind of things. Getting married to him is the easiest decision I’ve made but decided on the type of ceremony? Now that’s the hard part. He’s pretty much cool with any type of ceremony so it kind of puts the onus on me which sucks because I’m so indecisive and always second guess my decisions so I’m constantly fluctuating between wanting something and not knowing. I swear to God, if I could make up my mind about what type of ceremony we would be married already haha. God help me when it comes to dress shopping LOL

Post # 34
294 posts
Helper bee

My SO always said he would offended if I did it, as it something he gets the honour of doing with hope of blowing my socks off. 

Post # 35
141 posts
Blushing bee

The reason I didn’t do it is because I knew I was “ready” before he was. We have had open discussions on the matter in the past and I knew that he definitely wasn’t at the engagement stage when I was. Also because he buys the ring, I don’t want to be the one to tell him when to buy it! Not to mention I am a bit excited to see what way he will do it (he’s not a lovey-dovey kinda guy).

Post # 36
178 posts
Blushing bee

hintsofjoy : It happens really often, that I read something you wrote before reading your name and then I think ‘oh yes, that’s exactly what I wanted to say’. It really comforts me that I’m not alone with many of my thoughts, especially because you seem a bit of more balanced than me. That calms me down.

Thank you very much for this feeling.

Post # 37
100 posts
Blushing bee

My SO is very traditional and wants to be the one to propose.  It was hard for him to come to terms I didn’t want a diamond engagement ring 💍 

Post # 38
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I didn’t wait THAT long, but I would never have imagined proposing myself. I’m super feminist and progressive as well, but for some reason I really enjoy all the cultural traditions that surround marriage and family, etc. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that Fiance and I are both from different cultures/countries that makes me hold on to my culture really strongly. It has become a bit of an identity for me, especially after living abroad for many years in a completely different culture. Before living abroad, I think I would have been a lot less traditional and more “rebellious” against tradition, but I’ve kind of clung to where I’m from as a big part of me and my identity. 

However, I kind of think of traditions less along their original intentions and more along my own intentions behind them. For example, I wanted Fiance to propose because that’s not necessarily huge in his culture and him understanding that it is something I’ve always wanted and doing that is a way of honoring where I’m from and our cultural differences. I’m making a lot of changes (moving back to his country, converting so our kids can be Jewish, etc.) so we can be together and him honoring who I am and where I come from is really important to me so I don’t feel I’m losing my cultural identity in him. 

Post # 39
659 posts
Busy bee

 I ask him to marry me every day and he says no. He wants to be the one to do it. And he wants to ask my dad, who lives 2000 miles away. 

I’m pretty feminist and think that BREAKING the tradition of “man asks father if he can have woman” is fantastic. But that being said, I pick my battles on that topic and I think it’s really wonderful that my SO wants to respect my dad’s old school traditional beliefs, even if they’re not mine. So I’ll speak out against mysoginy in other ways and keep my crusade out of the proposal haha.

Also it’s great that he cares enough to try and plan a surprise and all the extra bullshit. So I guess I’ll wait. I mean I hate waiting, but I’m trying…😂

Post # 40
242 posts
Helper bee

I would consider my story strange because I did ask him to marry me and he said yes, but that he wanted to ask me too whenever we got a ring. So we were committed, quasi-engaged-but-not-officially-to-the-rest-of-the-world, living together, planning the future. It was weird and I did my best to not think about it. It makes me little upset that his question had more weight than mine. We are from the south (USA, which can be pretty traditional), so I knew it ment a lot to him to do things traditional even though we are not nearly as tradiational as the area we live in. He knew it bothered me that we weren’t “offical” to the world and his mother gave us a LOT of shit for “waiting” so long to get engaged. Towards the end when we were looking at rings and his mother was still on us about it, I started saying that “we would never get engaged/married. We would just be partners for life and I was ok with that”. I said that enough times that I started to believe it and then it didn’t bother me anymore that he was waiting on this promotion, or that pay raise, or this or that to happen first.

I picked out my own ring (mostly because I LOVE shopping/looking at rings/sparkly things). I knew when he bought it and I knew when it come into my house. I knew he was waiting for the “perfect” location and I just let him have his time and plan his thing. He did the knee thing and the asking me thing, I said yes and then we were engaged. I still hate the words “Offically engaged”. They drive me nuts.

Post # 41
1060 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

We’ve discussed when we will be ready to get married, which isn’t right now, and we’re both on the same page. We both don’t want to be engaged without actively planning a wedding. It’s just personal preference, I know some people like long engagements and having time to enjoy being engaged, but we’re not those people.

So right now is not a good time for us to plan a wedding. We’d be paying for it ourselves, for one thing. My SO’s father passed away in January and his mother is just now able to go through the probate process and start selling all of her late husband’s expensive “toys” as he calls them in order to pay for her expenses. My SO has lent her a lot of money since January and is still paying some of her bills, so he’s not going to have a lot of money for a wedding until she’s able to pay her bills on her own and pay him back. He does get paid pretty well and is able to save money still, but he’s not going to spend every bit he saves on a wedding and I wouldn’t ask him to. 

Also, at the moment I don’t have the funds to contribute to the wedding, something I want to be able to do. I have a couple bills that should be paid off by early next year that will free up a lot of my cash.

We also have some other things going on that we want to get out of the way before we get engaged and start actively planning a wedding. There’s just so much going on that planning for a wedding isn’t something we can see ourselves doing right now. 

So we have made a general timeline of getting engaged sometime in 2017. We want to get married in 2018 and then start trying for kids around a year after we get married. So we figured out a timeline for the two of us that works. 

With all that being said, if we really wanted to get married right away and the only thing stopping us was money, we’d just go to the courthouse. But we do want a wedding that we can invite our family and friends to, and we don’t have a pressing desire/need to get married right away. We’re already living together, we know where our relationship is going and we’re secure in that, we’re not planning on having kids for a few years, and we’ve only been dating for a little over a year.

Now, one may ask why I’m on a wedding website if I don’t want to get engaged right away. Well, I love weddings and I love pretend-planning. You know, all the fun parts of planning without the stress or time consumption that comes with actual wedding planning. Plus this community is great!

So anyway, that’s my viewpoint. We have reasons to not get engaged right away and that’s why I’m not proposing to my SO.

Would I propose to my SO when the time comes? Perhaps. To be honest, I’m the one who would want the proposal and he’d be good with just a, “Hey, let’s be engaged now, okay?” I would love a romantic gesture because that’s the type of person I am. My SO isn’t so into the romance though. I accept that about him though, so while a romantic gesture/proposal would be NICE, if I knew he was stressing it about it, I’d just say, “Why don’t we just go shopping for a ring and have a special date to celebrate our engagement?” That way, he doesn’t have to stress about being romantic when it’s not something that comes naturally, and we still have a special date night to celebrate. 

Post # 42
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

Fiance and I had a lot of talks leading up to the proposal. We were both ready and talked openly about our intentions, when we’d ideally like to have a wedding, our financial situation, etc. I didn’t really need a proposal after that but he was SO excited to do it, I couldn’t make myself tell him not to do it. He was over the moon proud of the ring he bought, proud of the place he picked, and since we already knew it was a forever-kind of thing, it wasn’t really stressful or even expected.

I know that if I had proposed to him he’d have said yes but I’m glad it worked out the way it did. He still talks about that day, the planning, how nervous but excited he was and it is the most precious thing 🙂 

Post # 43
2430 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

HappyCatLady :  I agree with you , and I have said it. Just ask him. Marriage takes 2, so why would it matter who asks first, I say. 

I find it very wrong, and a big blazing red flag if a girl asks a guy, and he says “no”. That shows he is so sure of himself, taking the girl so much for granted, that he has the luxury of saying no, to a girl he wants to marry. Not good.

Post # 44
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

tomkitty :  You ask him to marry you on a regular basis and he says no? I’m sorry to butt in, but to me that would be a HUGE red flag.

I “waited” for my Darling Husband to be ready, but he was really reasonable about it and would never say no if I had asked. He’d have been more likely to say “Yes…in a couple of years” but never a hard “No.” If someone actually says no, that person probably doesn’t want to marry you. No offense to anyone.

Post # 45
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

hintsofjoy :  I echo this completely. I even thought of it once and kinda brought up teasingly to him once. Didn’t go over too well – his face just fell.

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