Post # 1
Hello all, I’m new here so I imagine I don’t have all the acronyms down. My SO (35 y/o) and I (33 y/o) have been together for a little over 18 months. After a lot of discussion we moved in together a couple of months ago. I told him that I was hesitant to move in because I felt that a lot of couple who do here (NYC) go on for years without becoming engaged or getting married. However, he told me that moving in was very important for him because of his parents (divorced), and it was a step he needed to take to be absolutely sure. Everything is great between us, we plan trips, finances, the holiday shuffle, etc.
When we talk about the future, it’s hard to get him to talk about specifics (timeline). He says he just hasn’t thought about a plan, but while I don’t want to put pressure on him, having children is very important to me, and I’m at an age where becoming pregnant can be much more difficult (in addition to miscarriages, genetic risks). In short, it has me on edge, and I really just need reassurance from him that 1) he does want to marry me and 2) he understands having kids in sense of fertility, etc and 3) that nowadays it seem to take forever to get married once engaged.
I have read a lot of posts here on waiting bees who are younger and how they talked to their SOs, but what about those in their early/ mid 30s? How long would you wait (asuming you want to have kids). How would you approach the conversation, balancing reassurance vs pressure?
And on a totally different note – does anyone else feel guilty about the costs of engagement rings? We have not discussed rings yet. But the ring I love is $4.5K, and while that’s not crazy, it still feels so expensive. Thoughts?
Post # 2
Eeek.That is a hard one.
I got engaged this year at 31 after dating for 3 years and living together for half of that time. I am not the kind of girl to just wait around either. FI always said he loved me and we would get married, but I needed to know when, give me a date, I need babies. (Still working on the babies thing!) He kept saying in the future and when he is ready. I was so frustrated, and know how you are feeling.
The advice you are going to get here is to talk to him. Tell him that you need to know where this is going and on what time table. He should not get all of the say in your future! I nagged the crap out of FI about when he was going to propose (even had a tantrum about it the night before he did it-not my finest moment) and in the end he kept me in the dark because he needed to feel like it was on his terms, and that it was a surprise (omg kill him). Men do not understand our biological clock and what waiting can do to a sane woman. Decide your own time line and share it with him. Say “SO, I want to be engaged by x date (or our 2 year anniversary or whatever). I am sure that I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to have children with you–and I need to know that we will be ttc by the time I am 35. I feel like you should know by now if you feel the same way.”
BTW, I did this with FI about moving in together…he forgot the date we had agreed on I was a mess bc I thought this meant he didnt want to anymore. Boys are stupid, so remember that too.
Post # 3
- Wedding: May 2015 - Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception / Courtyard Marriott Legacy Ballroom
I just turned 33 and my FI is turning 32 in about a week, so I totally hear you on the biological clock! I agree with the PP that you need to talk to your SO about it. My FI and I started talking about marriage and having children about 3 months into our relationship, though we didn’t get engaged until after 15 months of dating (17 months after we met). We’ll have been together 2 years and 2 months on our wedding day. So from almost the beginning, we’ve been on the same page about our timeline and having babies – he’s fully aware that we’re no ‘spring chickens’ (as he puts it) so I never had to worry about waiting for years to get married and have children.
I definitely felt guilty about the cost of engagement rings! Especially considering my FI has a mortgage, car payments, and school loans to pay off. This is also something you and your SO need to talk about. My FI wanted me to pick out my engagement ring (his only request was that it be a diamond) and I asked him for a budget. I ended up finding a ring I love that was less than $1K, which was under his budget
Post # 4
I could have written this myself 🙂 I’m a similar age, 32, although my SO is a year younger and I am his first long term girlfriend so the idea of getting engaged, married and TTC wasn’t on his agenda AT ALL at first! He was sure he wanted to marry me (someday!) but he thought we had loads of time – so after a few difficult conversations – where we were both tiptoeing around and trying to be reasonable (because I was conscious that even though I was 31 and very aware of bio clock etc, he wasn’t – he’d never been in a LTR before. He’d never even thought of things like that) we came to an agreement that we would get engaged and married basically a year earlier than he’d planned and about 8-9 months later than I’d have liked i.e. a compromise. Just to note, we’re not engaged yet but we’ve set a timeline and he’s promised it’ll be met but he has said (and I quote) “this is basically the only thing in a relationship that a man gets to take care of 100% and I want to do it right” – i.e. he wants it to be a surprise and he doesn’t want me checking days off a calendar with a deadline looming!! 🙂
I know you’re worried about it – so am I but remember as well, people say TTC gets more difficult from mid 30s onwards but we really only hear about the people who have problems. Most couples TTCing in their 30s are absolutely fine. And for those that have problems, there are tons of options now. I just trust that it will work out and if you’re meant to have children you will… at the same time, I’d sit him down, explain the bio clock and your concerns and see if you can get him to commit to a timeframe as a joint decision. Reassure him that this is absolutely not a pressure situation but you want to make sure you’re on the same page (ish!) time wise and if not, find out what concessions are you or he willing to make. It might help to jot out what you want to say beforehand and you can rephrase it if it sounds too nagging or whingy – that always helps me. Sometimes I say something that I think is totally reasonable but to someone else it could sound accusatory so get your thoughts straight and decide how you want to say things before having the conversation.
Post # 5
You don’t have a lot of time to waste, and 18 months is PLENTY of time to know if you want to marry someone when you’re in your 30s. You need to know NOW if he wants to marry you and when, because if not you need time to find someone else.
Post # 6
I definitely understand the ticking of the clock issue…I’m 33, and my SO just turned 42. I have a 9 year old from my previous marriage and he never had kids (there were fertility issues on his ex-wife’s end)…we’ve talked about having a baby, but I’m afraid that if we go another two years without marriage and subsequently TTC that we probably won’t.
I think you should definitely have a conversation with him about your frustration/concerns.
And yes, the price of e-rings makes me extremely uncomfortable. I originally picked out a sparkly moissanite ring but he’s very traditional and insists that I have a diamond. I don’t really care what it is, I just want him to ask me officially already. I can’t justify wearing thousands of dollars on my hand when we have practical things we should be buying with that money, so as a compromise I picked out a new setting (with brand new tiny pave diamonds) that was only $540 and we’re going to have the stone from his ex-wife’s e-ring reset into that. The stone itself is beautiful and I feel soooo much more comfortable knowing that we’re making a financially sound decision by doing it this way.
Post # 7
Thanks for your comments! Really appreciate them! I gave myself the deadline to talk to him before December, so it is a matter of sitting him down at a good time. Either he’s had a rough day, or I have, or something else random comes up (like football or hockey – we both are big sports fans).
Thank you also for the comments on the rings. I saw a beautiful pale blue stone (aquamarine) that I would love to have rather than a diamond, and that should knock the cost of the ring down a lot.
Post # 8
I’m 34 and FI is 33 And have been together 2 years. We had the future/baby talk very early on. I told him that I wasn’t looking for a ring immediately but that I didn’t have time to waste on someone for fun. He understood that we were dating with purpose. Our engagement is 5 months total. It can be as long or as short as you want it to be.
Post # 9
Maybe if you feel guilty tell him you don’t care how much the ring costs…Of course then you’ll have to give up the 4.5k ring you love. But it’s just a ring isn’t it the commitment that matters?
Post # 10
My fiance and I met when I was 33 and he was 36. He proposed a year after our first date. We started talking about marriage/moving in a few months into the relationship and put my house on the market/I moved in with him 6 months into the relationship.
Everyone has their own timeline. My fiance is the marrying type. He didn’t see any reason to wait once he’d made up his mind that I was the one. Plenty of my friends who are in happy relationships have been dating much longer than we have without an engagement. One friend keeps on talking about how her 8 month long reltionship is so new and how marriage isn’t even on her mind yet. Some friends are engaged after 8 months. It all depends on the relationship.
Post # 11
I’m not in my 30s yet-28- but have brought this up to SO. He has such a different idea of how “old” he is. He says he feels like his still so young and there’s no rush. I’ve tried to explain that while we are not necessarily old now, I don’t have the luxury of waiting forever. He struggles to understand that… Figures I’m just over exaggerating on the whole bio-clock thing!
Post # 12
We are 32 and 34…but not traditional…we pseudo moved in together after 2 months of dating, officially moved in together after 6 months (had to wait out my lease). Had our son, and now we are talking about getting married lol. After we had lived together for awhile we had the conformation we needed and since I had been having female issues we were not sure how long it would take for me to have children. Now that our son is getting older we are starting to talk about when we are getting married. The funny thing is HE is the one pushing it more. He talks about it and all I can do is look down and the baby and think I am too tired to plan a wedding. haha
Post # 13
MrsVC2015 — That’s (almost) what happened to my brother! First they had a baby, then they moved in, then a few years later got married. At least he paved the road for me in case we end up going the less traditional route as well!
Again, thanks for the comments, ladies! As an update, I went to fertility panel last week, and my SO was very supportive of me going (he even printed out the tickets for me!). He asked a lot of questions of what the panel talked about etc. Even with that I feel a lot better, and I intend to talk to him about specifics this week!