(Closed) waiting… feeling really down about my situation with SO, need advice!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee

Talk to him about you picking a different ring that is in his budget to buy now? Or soon? Along with a conversation about your plan for finances when married, joint account? Separate accounts? Sounds like a lot of tension right now and he probably doesn’t want to propose if it doesn’t feel like a happy relationship right now.

Post # 3
Member
1903 posts
Buzzing bee

 

This is tough, on one hand I completely understand where you are coming from. You are at a point in your life where you want certain things and its hard to accept that your SO isn’t there yet (financially anyway).. however, it sounds like he has made some sacrifices to follow you and your dreams which is why you are where you are now..

 

I think you need to consider what is more important, moving forward and having momentum in your life or slowing it down and accepting that your SO doesn’t have the ability to move forward at your pace yet.

 

Post # 4
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

It sounds like he might be feeling a ltitle inferior since youre where you want to be in your career and he’s not? My fiancé did the same… He had a particular place in life he wanted us to be before proposing.. Ie. Buying a house first so we didn’t “waste” money on a wedding so we were married and stuck in our little apartment in a bad area. Once we finally bought a house the proposal arrived less than a month later. Men are different ….. They want to feel stable before making a move like that.. I don’t get it because the only thing that will change is my last name and jewelry added to my finger!  My SO and I argue about money all the time too because he feels my loans are stupid from school (which I agree haha) and my job underpaying me. Doesn’t seem to get it that Im working my way toward a higher paying career path but it doesn’t happen overnight! It’ll happen- you have plenty of time! We didn’t get engaged until I was 29… I won’t be married until I’m 31! Good luck 🙂

Post # 5
Member
4454 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sorry, but yeah. You are being selfish.

He made sacrifices to be with you,  and support you through your schooling/internship, have you considered making a sacrifice for him? By that I mean letting go of a time line he gave you when he was really in no position to give one.

You talk a lot about how YOU feel, and what YOU  want, but have you considered how hard this must be for him?

He’s in a  job and financial situation that he’s not fulfilled with, and struggling to get by and better his situation,  and meanwhile you’re admittedly being passive aggressive towards him despite his efforts to do everything he can to meet your wants.

Appreciate who he is and what you have instead of focusing on the ring you don’t have. 

Post # 6
Member
462 posts
Helper bee

I know this is a hard time, but truthfully I feel like you are being very unfair on him!

he put his life and dreams on hold so you can reach yours, now you have and are upset that he isn’t where he ‘should be’! Now is your time to help him achieve what he wants. Be patient – he was!!

I also feel like as a couple you really need to revisit your views on money if this is going to work. One partner in a relationship can’t live in a different financial circle to the other. I’m surprised after five years and all this moving that it’s still so ‘I can afford this – he can afford that’.

Post # 7
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

My DH was kind of stupid obsessed with the cost of the ring and the wedding. I told him I needed to be proposed to before our 5th anniversary, and he could seriously propose with an elegant wedding band with some diamonds in it to be paired with a similarly sized plain gold band. 

Like this: 

http://www.bluenile.com/riviera-pave-diamond-ring-18k-gold_53019?elem=img&track=product

http://www.bluenile.com/wedding-ring-yellow-gold-18k-2mm_6673?elem=img&track=product

Or if you prefer a more romantic look than I do this: 

http://www.bluenile.com/diamond-ring-white-gold_21211?elem=img&track=product

http://www.bluenile.com/white-gold-wedding-ring_44711?elem=img&track=product

I also reminded him that it is traditional for the bride’s family to pay for a wedding and Daddy saved [price, feel free to pad that amount with your own savings like I did, haha] for Princess’s wedding.

Post # 8
Member
6369 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

You said you told him the type of ring you wanted along with specs and all that…were you realistic when you told him this? Like, did you ask for something clearly out of his price range? I understand wanting what you want but I feel like unless you tell him something like you don’t care about the ring, you’ll love it no matter what…then you can’t really complain when it takes the guy a while to save up for the specific ring you want. 

Also, I feel you should read back over your own post and see what a great guy you have there. He’s put his stuff on hold so you could pursue your dreams. You can’t now hold that against him as to why you aren’t in the same place financially. 

I understand it being hard to feel like you’re just waiting for your life to happen but yes, 27 is not old at all. You have plenty of time!

Post # 9
Member
2769 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Why is it your money and his money at this point?

Post # 10
Member
41 posts
Newbee

View original reply
blueandgolditis:  it can be incredibly difficult when a couple is operating on opposite finances. It can strain even the strongest of relationships. 

If you are set on getting married sooner rather than later, buy the entire engagement ring yourself. You have money saved up, you can get the exact ring you want, with your exact specs. When he has money, then he can buy you a nice wedding band or anniversary ring. You are not being selfish for wanting something nice but you can’t get blood out of a turnip. you can’t force him to speed up and find a job that meets your standards. It’s fine to have to timeline, but something’s got to give. Either buy the ring you want yourself, or tell him to buy an inexpensive one he can afford. It’s your decision. If you don’t like either option than leave him. However, you invested many years into the relationship, and it be tough to start over with someone new at your age so consider it carefully. 

 

Post # 11
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

To me, the money fights are a VERY obvious sign that you guys aren’t ready to get married yet.

1. It sounds like you can’t talk about money.  I’m 95% sure he is feeling inferior to you because you make so much more than he does.  BUT it sounds like you guys have not found a way to work together as a unit that works for the two of you.  It sounds like he isn’t even willing to let you pay for his dinner.  Which, ok, come on dude…time to stop being so proud.

2. You can’t work together to figure out a financial situation that works with the two of you.  This is a biggie.  Again, he needs to let go of his pride and let you pay for half of the ring.  OR if he ABSOLUTELY wants to pay for it himself, he needs to get something that maybe isn’t your dream ring right now, and you maybe have an “upgrade” later.  That’s what my fiance and I are doing.  I have a 0.3 solitaire becaues that is what my fiance could afford when he proposed.  He was a full time student and also a naval reservist so he was earning about $1000 per month.  Other than that it was ALL out of his savings.  He knew it wasn’t my dream ring, but he also will be earning quite a bit more money once he solidifies a full time job, so we made an agreement to upgrade when the time was right.

I will say, to me it sounds like he’s pushing this back on purpose.  You have been together long enough that I would hope you guys know how to work together and pay for things together…so why is he so proud about this?  Obviously marriage is important to you…he has said it is important to him too, however his actions are saying otherwise.  I don’t think he is really listening to you and what you wnat.  It really doesn’t cost THAT MUCH to get married if that is all you want.  A simple ring, a trip to the courthouse, done.  Maybe he feels like in order to propose he needs to get you a 3 carat ring.  Maybe he feels trapped and like he can’t get ahead.  Maybe he feels inadequate.  Whatever it is, the two of you NEED to communicate about this.

3. Fights about money are NEVER good.  Like I said above, it sounds like there is a lot of pride here that needs to go away on his part.  At the same time, maybe it’s time for you to slow your thoughts of buying a house.  I get why you want to, however I do not think purchasing a home together without a commitment is a good idea…plus, I feel like he would feel like he isn’t contributing.

At the end of the day, this is about deciding if a potential marriage is right for you and him.  Frankly?  I’m not quite so sure.  I think your expectations are high because you have a lot of money stored away, and I don’t think YOU are hearing HIM about why he wants to pay for it all himself…and on the flip side of that I don’t think HE is understanding YOU when you say you want to help pay for your ring.  DO NOT get married until you figure this out.

 

I will finish with this anecdote: I teach music lessons for a living.  I had one family last summer where I taught 4 kids.  They lived in a gorgeous, spaceous home in a very nice neighborhood with a huge yard and the whole 9 yards.  The dad?  He is a stay at home dad.  The mom is a CEO of a major local company and she earns a hefty salary, so much so that the dad stays home and takes care of the kids, drives them to soccer practice, etc. etc.  They love it.  Dad loves staying home to do housework and take care of the kids.  Mom loves it because they are comfortable and she doesn’t have to worry about soccer practice and karate lessons and all that.  My point: this is 2015.  NOT the 1950’s.  Your boyfriend needs to get over the fact that you earn more than him.

Post # 15
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

View original reply
blueandgolditis:  so let me get this straight- he put his own life on hold and made sacrifices for u so u could finish ur degree, and now ur upset he isn’t in the financial place he should be (or could be if he hadn’t been so unselfish and put his life on hold for u)?  It’s not like he’s sitting on his a$$ talking about getting a better job, be actively looking for one. Cut him some slack. 

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