(Closed) waiting… feeling really down about my situation with SO, need advice!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
2133 posts
Buzzing bee

I personally think that if you want a life together then you aren’t waiting for him to get his life together. You are waiting for you both to be in a happy place in YOUR joint lives. I understand that you are frustrated but it really feels like he put alot of things on hold for you. He is probably upset and just as frustrated as you are abiut not being where he saw himself. I would just maybe have another talk with him about a timeline. I think if you offer to pay for it, it might push him away further from it. Maybe you could offer to pick up more expenses around the house so he can save more or something?

Post # 17
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Dont be frustrated…the real problem is that do you want to spend rest of your life with him?

if the answer is yes, you could suggest him to open a joint account first and try to save money together!

open the joint account first, give you two sometime to save (of course the money you put in this account is much more, but at least it helps him feeling better)

when the balance is enough to afford a fantastic wedding, propose to him!

 

Post # 18
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

So, before you even think about getting engaged, you need to talk about finances. Is it always going to be like this? Will he constantly be resentful if you’re making more than he is? 

If you manage to work past that, check out your expectations.  What’s important to you?  Being with him or your dream ring? A marriage or a wedding? If it’s more important to just be married, agree to get married. No rule says you need a ring to be engaged. No rule says you need to have a traditional, expensive wedding. 

Post # 19
Member
79 posts
Worker bee

I don’t mean to sound rude but you sounds quite spoilt. He earns 20k less than you do and he can’t afford to pay for luxuries for himself but you chose a ring costing around 3k? Why didn’t you think of what he could afford and choose based on that?  You know engagement rings shouldn’t be the most important thing here? At what point do you intend on sharing finances seeing a you want to marry him? 

 

I do think that when it comes to engagement rings, you should get what you’re given and be grateful for it.

Post # 20
Member
833 posts
Busy bee

If this was a bee posting that she struggles financially, cuts everything down the middle with her so and can’t save yet he can – I’d be saying that’s not a partnership. You should be paying a higher amount of the bills comparable to your income. Neither of you should be struggling while one of you saves and enjoys life.

Post # 21
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
blueandgolditis:  I understand how you feel. You’re not wrong to feel that way. i don’t however see that your worries are necessary. It sounds as though the only issue you two have is money. That will be fixed when your soon to be Fiance obtains a good job. That’s why you have money arguments. I’ve been through the fighting over money – the man’s pride getting easily offended, the feelings of impatience and yes the occasional passive aggressive comment on my part.

I wouldnt beat myself up about feeling impatient – rather I would focus on what you love and enjoy about your partner during this challenging time. Keep showing him you believe in him, reduce stress for him, be supportive, have gratitude for your good job. Aren’t sex and money the two biggest things couples fight about? Look at it this way, you two will have already learned to get through one of the two issues successfully before marriage!

Oh and by the way, one of my nieces has a wonderful husband who followed her before engagement so she could pursue her dreams. Finding a man like this is like finding a gem. They are both quite happy As I feel certain you two will be when you two marry.

 

Post # 22
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

I think if you reversed the gender roles you’d see how unfair this is to your SO. Imagine if a Bee posted here saying she’d moved cities- twice- and put her own career on hold- in order to put her SO first while he followed his dreams. Now he’s making good money, has substantial savings, and she’s still struggling to catch up. He offers to pay her share of the dinners out she can’t afford, yet makes passive aggressive comments letting her know he’s disappointed in her. Her self-esteem is shot.

You say you graduated with no student loans but you don’t say how you accomplished undergrad & your masters with no student or credit card debt. Which is terrific (student loans can be soul sucking!)- but did your SO support you while you went to school to enable you to graduate debt free? If so, then your savings should be joint savings IMO. Or did you have family money that enabled you to focus on your studies without the burden on the cost? In which case, perhaps you don’t fully understand what it is to struggle or how it is undermining your SO’s self-esteeem. I may be the one out of the loop, but 5K on a ring seems quite a lot to ask of someone. If you worked and saved and budgeted in advance to pay for your schooling, then maybe you are very disciplined and goal-oriented and are hoping for the same in him?

I think you need to find a fair balance here- one that lets you keep a certain amount of financial independence (I’d recommend this to all Bees) but more fairly distributes what is in essence actually ‘family finances’. Perhaps a joint savings account for mutual goals (a ring, a down payment) while keeping a personal financial safety net (such as RRSPs or whatever the equivalent in your area is). And an ‘entertainment jar’ on your kitchen counter you can both put bits here and there into for mutual dinners out/ shows/ concerts etc without having to micro-manage who puts in what or make the other person feel less for not contributing more.

You could also look at rings on your own, even online, and see if there’s one a bit less pricey you could love (wtihout making him feel like you’re settling for it) and show it to him.

And make sure you support all of his job search efforts, encourage him before interviews etc- I’m not saying you don’t already- but his self esteem sounds pretty low right now so he could use a cheering squad. Remember, this is the guy who did everything he could to support and encourage you in achieving your own dreams, he sounds like a keeper.

Post # 23
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
blueandgolditis:  You can’t ignore the money fights though.  Don’t fall back on the excuse that you were financially dependent on your parents.  The two of you very obviously do not see eye-to-eye on money.  That is a HUGE issue, and one that should not be taken lightly.  Say you do get your dream ring and he does propose and you do get married…but the money issues are still there.  Say he is not willing to share with you how much he has in his checking or savings account, but you know he is overspending.  A ring and a marriage won’t make this issue disappear.  A ring won’t force him to open up to you about his financial situation.  Even with separate accounts, financial transparency is important with a lifelong partner.

Post # 24
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It certainly sounds like he does feel like he cant compare to you with your job and finances. Maybe just reassuring him that you appreciate him moving with you so much and everything that he does for you would help him some. As for the ring, I completely understand where you are coming from. You’re at the point in your life where you are ready to move foward, and I cant fault you for that. I understand that you would help with the ring payment but that would really put a dagger in your SO’s ego so I would probably say no to that one. Maybe just sit down with him and let him know that you love and appreciate him very much and that you are ready to move to the next stage of your life with him. Suggest maybe getting a smaller more affordable ring to start and then maybe for your 5/10 wedding anniversary upgrade to a larger ring. Doing it this way allows him to get you a ring by paying for it on his own, and then gives him a few years after to save up his money to allow him to buy you a larger ring down the road 🙂 Good luck girl, it sounds like a sticky situtaion but itll all work out!

Post # 25
Member
3791 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
littlechickie:  Disagree.  This will not be magically fixed by him getting a better job.  Might it improve?  Yes, it probably will.  Will these issues go away completely?  No.  This isn’t as simple as her earning more money than him.  It also sounds like he is not willing to open up about his finances with her.  If it is a lifelong commitment, that is an important step.  Naturally one partner will earn more money than the other, it’s a matter of figuring out what works and what doesn’t.  It sounds like he isn’t willing to open up at all.  That’s a pretty big issue.  I get the pride thing and feeling less adequate since once my fiance gets a full time job he will earn considerably more than me…he is an accountant, and we did our taxes together in the winter.  That opened up a really great conversation about money and saving for our wedding, future saving/spending habits, etc.  Not that everyone should join finances completely, however talking about it is a great first step.

Post # 26
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee

This kinda hit me on the strange side –

About 2 months after this he asked me to tell him exactly what type of ring I wanted and how I’d like to be proposed to. I sent him a long email detailing exactly what I wanted including all the ring specs about a month ago.

DID you really tell him how you want to be proposed to?  I can understand ring specs, but I would never want to give instructions on how I want a proposal,  let him do his own thing. 

 

Post # 27
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

I kind of get where he’s coming from not wanting to open up. My Fiance is excellent with money and saving. He also had more help from his parents than I did and he makes about $35K more per year than I do. So I had some fears that he’d be put off by my money worries and for a while in our relationship, I hated discussing money and would shut down when he brought it up. With that said, he has NEVER been passive aggressive and has always been encouraging. Because of this, I’ve been able to open up about my debt (just student loans), I’ve significantly improved my budgeting, have put a solid amount in savings, and have drastically improved my credit. Not only that, but we’ve been able to come up with a solid plan that has him paying more than me for rent and bills so that I CAN still put money into savings and increase the amount I put toward student loans each month. Because it is our life and our future. I strongly suggest some similar conversations, but be supportive. Stop with the disappointment and the passive aggressive crap. It will get you nowhere. 

Post # 28
Member
8066 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

If you both are really serious about getting married you should rework your finances.  In a marriage, the partner who makes substantially more should be putting more $ into the bills and rent/mortgage than the person who makes less- so that both have a relatively equal or comfortable amount of savings and free spending money left.  In theory everything could go into one pot of money and then from there you pay all your bills, move certain amounts into savings accounts that you both choose to setup however you want, and then the remainder gets divided between you two into free spending accounts.  He does need to open up about his finances with you. 

Or if you really want to get engaged sooner- ask for a cheaper ring.

Post # 29
Member
40 posts
Newbee

It seems that you are assuming a lot about how he percieves money. You say he didn’t seem phased about the price of the ring (maybe he didn’t want you to feel bad or show that he couldn’t afford it right now). You also said he would most likely know your parents are paying for the wedding (but does he REALLY know?).  Lastly you don’t know how much he has saved and gets frustrated when he says he can’t pay for little extras like dining out. 

No one is a mind reader. Find out how much he has saved, what he thinks he’s supposed to pay for as far as wedding costs, sit down and have an honest discussion about finances. It will be a tough talk but getting it out in the open will help tremendously with your short term goals(getting engaged) and set the tone for future goals. 

Post # 30
Member
1949 posts
Buzzing bee

My situation was similar and I understand where you are coming from.  I happened to fall in love with an artist and let’s just say income is unpredictable.  There have been years when we traveled every month and partied like rock stars, and times when were were struggling.  My being a full time student didn’t help.  He moved with me every step of the way as I completed all of my degrees. Neither of us are where we want to be in different aspects of our lives. The biggest issue, He wanted to be in a better financial position than at the beginning of our relationship and I wanted to move forward in our relationship and get engaged to be married.   This almost tore us apart.  The key was that we started working together.  We have clear expectations of the relationship and understanding of our financial goals.  Feel free to PM me if you need more details and advice.  

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