(Closed) waiting… feeling really down about my situation with SO, need advice!

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I find it so peculiar that after 5 years and 3 years of living together, you consider it so much “your money” or “your situation”. Like, you have saved “your downpayment” and will have to wait for him to “save his” after getting engaged and so on. If you are buying a home together in the future, especially considering it after being engaged, why is it is so divided…why aren’t you saving for a downpayment “together”, why isn’t the downpayment “you” saved something to share?

I also don’t know why you don’t you “understand” why he can’t spend as much as you can? You have said you make $20,000 more than him and are able to put at least half of that away in savings as you said. He can’t spend as much as he does not 1) make as much 2) have as much disposable income. That’s why he can’t spend like you can…he is expected to put in 50% towards expenses, even though he makes a good chunk less than you do. Basic essentials eat up more of his income than they do yours.

I do make quite a bit more than my husband, though he works, in my view, much harder and for much longer hours, and I would never even consider thinking of my income as “my” income alone: it’s ours. I am able to work where I do, and how I do, because of his support, for example, just like you are where you are because he was supportive of you. My husband also considers the income he brings in “ours” for the same reasons. We don’t divide things “half and half” with no regard for incomes. I would not feel good at all saving up tons of money that I had left over after essentials while my husband was struggling – I’d feel horrible! We are in this together, we support each other, we are a team.  This was not something that changed suddenly after marriage; we were thinking as partners before we ever exchanged vows.

It sounds like he put HIS life on pause, with your knowledge and agreement, so he could follow you around for school and now you are impatient you have to wait while he gets his own life together now that you seem to have settled in one place? Blech. I feel for your partner, as you have admitted you have become passive aggressive and resentful. This is not sounding like a woman – or relationship – ready for marriage.

The ring thing is a bit of a red herring issue, but even there is is apparent you are making assumptions as to what he thinks, or expecting him to read your mind about the ring, about money, about the future. Talk to him. ASK him how he would feel about it. But seriously, I think before you even consider marriage you two really need to get on the same page as financial partners, and otherwise. You can’t just “assume” something will change when you get engaged or married, you need to talk about how or if it will change, and in your case there is going to be a big mindset shift required. A proposal or wedding is not like some magical event that “makes” two people something they already aren’t.  If you aren’t already thinking and being a team, a ring is not going to change that.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by .
Post # 34
Member
4812 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Yes, please do sit down and have a discussion! Apologies if I came across as harsh, and thanks for the clarifications.

Finances are not really one of those thinks you can kind of hint around or guess about…many people have a VERY hard time talking finances, which can depend a lot on their own financial background/circumstances growing up in their own families, and even be embarrased about them so if they don’t HAVE to talk about them, they won’t. So it is very important to go into it with an open mind, without judgment, and just approach it as a team…the two of you wanting to build a future together in the best way that works for both of you.  This also includes discussing your financial “styles”, goals, expectations, hangups, and so on and working with that. For example, some couples can be totally joint without any issue, but some need to have a system of joint and separate accounts, because of different spending styles/approaches, and so on.

I hope your partner also can find work in his chosen area soon. Job hunting can be so stressful.

Post # 35
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I didn’t read every single comment here, so this may have already been stated, but if you are earning significantly more than your SO, have you thought about picking up a larger chunk of the bills or rent? I earn almost twice as much as my SO, and we are also in the process of saving for a ring, but I pay a bigger portion of our rent and bills because I earn more. My SO has student loans and I do not, so I feel that I should be paying more to even the playing field. This frees up extra money for him to take me on dates and feel like he is contributing, which makes him happier. You guys could try revisiting your money split if it makes more sense for you to pay more. 

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