(Closed) Waiting Fight

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
39 posts
Newbee

You are not crazy! I completely understand! What hit me where all the girls my little sister’s age (5 years younger than me) who were posting on FB about their engagement rings. The only one I’ve been able to really and truly be happy for is my best friend/college roommate who got engaged a couple months ago.  But even that was a little bit of a slap to my ego since they have been together less than half the time my SO and I have been. 

I don’t really have much advice for you since I’m trying to figure it all out myself, but just wanted to reassure you that you are not alone in your feelings! Try to stay strong and positive (I know that is easier said than done). As long as you know you are both on the same page about your future then you can keep moving forward. It seems like he understands your frustration a little if he brought it up first, so take some comfort in the fact that he probably feels bad that you are feeling down.

Post # 4
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee

I remember exactly how that feels!

It’s funny how we can argue about something that’s supposed to be so wonderful – ‘but I just want to get started on planning NOW, damnit!’ ha

The time was (on paper) far from right when we got engaged – I was still in school finishing my Masters and Darling Husband had job goals he still had to attain. Though I knew this was true, I felt ready to make our commitment to each other ‘official’. He did too, really – but he was being more realistic about the funds required to plan a wedding rather than just getting a ring.

When I told Darling Husband that I wanted a small, rather simple wedding (and what my budget ideas were), I think that opened his mind up a bit more. (Not to mention that my European family gives envelopes as gifts for that sort of thing, so that would help counteract the costs.)

Maybe if you guys discussed what your expectations for a wedding are you can discover that an engagement now is possible?

Unless you do want a more lavish wedding – in which case would you be willing to sacrifice that, or is waiting to save up actually worth it for you?

Post # 5
Member
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@imsandradee:  Ok, first: you can’t compare your relationship to anyone else’s. What’s right for them at the current moment isn’t right for you. Your SO is right to want to wait for financial stability; while money doesn’t make marriage easier it does help.

Second: you have to trust your guy. If he has consistently followed through on promises and makes you feel loved and wanted then you need to trust that he will follow through on this too. If he consistently fails to keep promises and doesn’t make you feel loved though, then it’s probably time for a state of the relationship talk.

Third: obviously you guys have had talks about engagement and marriage before. That’s a good thing. I would say, for the present moment, back off for a little bit. He’s probably stressed and worried about his career change and you bringing up engagement talk is probably making him feel guilty about the situation. Maybe you guys could revisit the topic in a few months when he’s more settled? Just make sure you’re both in a calm and relaxed mood; keep emotion out of the discussion to avoid possbily guilt tripping him.

Anf fourth: I think that some guys do understand the whole waiting thing. At least mine does. We’ve known that marriage was in the cards for us since around the time we started dating 5 years ago, but it wasn’t practical at the time since we were both 19 and in college. My boyfriend has been a real sweetheart about the entire waiting situation and that, in turn, has made it easier for me. It could be that your guy gets what you’re feeling (and that he feels it too), but he doesn’t know how to communicate that to you (especially when emotions are running high).

Try to be patient. I know it’s tough, but do your best.

Post # 7
Member
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Why can’t you compromise and just have a long engagement? You can have your ring and enjoy being engaged for a year or two before starting the wedding planning.

Post # 8
Hostess
2999 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Undecided  Sorry love,  waiting effing sucks.  You’re not allowed to talk about it because it will cause a huge fight or it will make you look like a crazy person but it’s YOUR LIFE so why shouldn’t you talk about it!  It’s frustrating…I’m with ya sista!  I agree with the PP about discussing a long engagement??

Post # 10
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@imsandradee:  You’re not crazy. What exactly are you guys waiting for, though? I am just curious… like are you wanting an expensive ring? Fine if you are… but if you’re open to an inexpensive ring and a small wedding/eloping then would he still feel the same way?

Post # 12
Member
578 posts
Busy bee

Try to get on the same page financially. While it’s true that you need to be somewhat stable financially (enough to pay the bills), there is nothing wrong with not being completely financially secure at the moment you are married. There is something to be said for a little bit of struggling together through those newlywed years that can bring you two closer together. He seems like a nice guy who wants to be able to give you everything you want- ring and wedding-wise. 

My Fiance and I will be getting married when I’m right out of school. We will need to pay off my student loans, continue his truck payments, and I will need a new car by then. We will need to live in an apartment for a couple years to get this all under control  (probably needing to scale back on our fun-money substancially), and then we are going to build a house. I would much rather get married and deal with this all together rather than wait to get married until we have both individually completely settled our financial situations, and then move straight into our new home. This means that we will have a smaller, more DIY wedding than many of our friends- with our families helping us and volunterring their time to make it happen- but this is fine with us since at the end of the day we will be married!

See if your SO could see it like this too. Good luck to you both!

Post # 14
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

Ebenezer Scrooge didn’t marry Belle because he didn’t feel financially stable enough, and look where that got him!

Ha ha ha. 

Post # 15
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

@imsandradee:  I feel like this is my life! I’m curious to see how your situation pans out because mine very very similar. I hope everything works out for the best for you!

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