(Closed) waiting for 10 years..will he ever propose?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You sound like my SO’s sister. She was with her guy for like 9 years, HS sweethearts & were living together, working, etc, etc, etc. He finally popped the question after forever.. he even lead her to believe that they would be engaged around X-Mas & she cried because the “gift she would loveee” was not a ring! Then in April he finally gave her one! Fortunately, seeing this, I told my SO that that was awful and he said he would never make me wait that long…

Maybe try to sit down and talk to ur SO and say that it’s really hurtful for you to have him not be ready, given all that you’ve been through.. I mean, you’ve been together so long that you’re both sure you will always be together, so why not be engaged.. maybe him seeing that you are truly upset and hurt by it will make him think more and realize that the time is right! Just try to stay calm and not flip out.. I know it’s hard.. been there & done that, but it always seems better when I was more calm vs. having a fit! Good luck, keep us updated, and hang in there!!

Post # 3
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m sorry that you are having such anxiety!

Have you talked to your SO seriously about marriage?  Have you asked him whether he feels ready, and if not, why he doesn’t feel ready?

Post # 4
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Your parents can’t stand him? And agree with the other posters- what has happened when you’ve tried to talk to him about it?

Post # 6
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

It’s hard to do, but keep on with limiting your talk about it.  Look up Mr. Bee’s plan for keeping yourself from freaking out.  It’s hard and not easy to not feel bitchy about this… and being bitchy about it not only pushes him away, but makes it hard for him to understand what exactly makes you upset.

Been waiting a long time here, too.  Due to a lot of stuff that happened early on with my family, and then with my Boyfriend or Best Friend deciding to goof off essentially for a few years while I finished school, resulting in HIM not finishing school have put us basically 5 years off where I see other people being.  We started dating when we were 19, and I am 33 now 🙁  I know every couple has their “timeline” and I’ve pretty much (not 100%, yet) decided that I guess I’ll stick with him, ring/marraige or not, but I know I’d be so much ahppier if he wasn’t lagging behind his calendar age.  We’ve spoken seriously for the first time in FOREVER only this last fall, and that was because I’ve fallen into a serious depression due to several engagements and weddings going on all around us, all of them couples who have been toether years and years less time than we have been together, one even less than a year together.

My Boyfriend or Best Friend finally told he wants to marry me, he’s scared he’ll fail me as a husband (whic I find to be a dumb worry when we’ve lived together 13 years), but at the same time with things for the house, trying to set up emergency savings and replace some essentail appliances we can’t really afford it.  This is after years of saying he didn’t know he’d ever want to get married, so for us it was a big step, but one I wish he’d been able to take at your age, mid to late 20s, when instead he thought he was still 18.  He even mentioned, only in passing when our upcoming newleyweds were talking honeymoon plans where he’d like to go (another first for him to mention), and later, he even mentioned where he’d like to get married.  So he tentatively said something about in 2 years time, but I know better than to let my heart hold onto that.  I doubt very much he has a ring, or even knows my size, and I know he’s against shopping together for one.  I’m kinda the driver between us and it’s my car anyway, so I’d know if he was taking off to go shopping, and he’s not as fond or trusting of internet shopping as I am, so that leaves a whole lot of no chance in hell he has something for me.  All the men in his family are ponderous in their future planning – it took his granfather 7 years in the 1940s to propose, my BF’s little brother just proposed after 10 years with his Girlfriend (and I had another breakdown I’m sad to say  made myself so sick I called into work)… so I guess my Boyfriend or Best Friend is just competing to take the longest of any man alive?  Even knowing all of this, I’ve let my expectations rise each holiday season only to get…. books.  I love books, but seriously?  I’m worried this year he’s gonna think a Kindle is a romantic gift, so I removed all books, movies and the like form my Amazon list.   

I come from a dysfunctional family and am undecided about whether I’m “mom” material, so while I have a natural urge for kids time to time, I’m terrified I’ll screw them up, so I’m not too too worried about being too old to conceive – I’d kinda given up on that a while back.  Adoption is fine with me, and I don’t mind getting married at 35, but I had to tell him that I’d really kinda like to be able to enjoy some time of my life as his WIFE, not just his girlfriend, that I’m sick of my dysfunctional family’s name and being associated with them (live in a nearby town – uncommon, stupid but menorable name).  I, too, am trying really hard not to nag or complain, and am not speaking about it at all with him, unless one of the engaged couples brings it up.  I’m even hoping to help one girl go dress shopping just so I have a reason to go – how pathetic is that?

Post # 7
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden

Your poll options are to either leave him after a particular amount of time, or stay with him no matter what, so you have to decide. Do you want to be with him, even if you’re not married, or would you rather be without him? That should help you choose. 

If you decide you don’t want to be with him if you’re not married, be direct with him and maybe he’ll come around. 

Post # 8
Member
5147 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why do you keep being “on again off again”?  That, along with being broken up just a couple months ago sends up a red flag in my mind.

You’re telling him to move out, then you’re expecting a proposal? Sounds confusing.

Post # 9
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I thought you had already decided when you got back with him that you wanted to be with him no matter what (at least, that is what i am getting from what you posted), so it seems to me that the question at hand is now to get engaged. You could just ask him to marry you.

Post # 10
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@abbyful:

You’re telling him to move out, then you’re expecting a proposal? Sounds confusing.

Good point here – he’s getting mixed signals from break ups.   I would almost say you’re hoping to scare him into proposing by threatening an almost ultimatum, but if you guys have been on again, off again for a decade, he knows you won’t stick by it (or at least he thinks it)… so you gain nothing by that.  How long do you stay split up when you break things off?  Do you always call it quits, or does he do it, too? 

Post # 11
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

“After a few months, I decided that I still wanted to be with him, no matter what.”

I think that you answered your own question. Your relationship sounds similar to some experiences I’ve had – of course I don’t know you or your guy, so feel free to disregard these pearls of wisdom that helped me along:

  • “If it’s that much work, maybe it’s not working.”
  • “Don’t marry someone who isn’t jumping at the chance to spend the rest of their life with you.”
  • “He is not the only option.”
  • “There’s no time limit.”
  • “Are you sure you aren’t just in love with the idea of marriage?”

That’s all I got. Like I said, feel free to disregard, I don’t know your relationship and only shared based on the apparent similarities. As to getting the ring, try not to nag him too much. Guys do like to surprise girls, and I can totally get why he’d wait until you were calmed down about it (waiting does spin us into crazy cycles, doesn’t it?).

Post # 12
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I waited 20, yes TWENTY years. In the end, he dumped for a bar skank. Sounds awful doesn’t it? But in the end, it was all for the best as I met a great guy and we got married last year.

Since you still want to be with this guy and I am sure you know what he’s like after 10 years, I would probably give him a BIT more time. But don’t wait twenty years!

Post # 13
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Yeah, I’m in the same boat has you. I voted wait till the end of the year.  That is what I’m doing.  I’ve been with my Boyfriend or Best Friend for 11yrs so I figure he has to know if I’m the one or not by now.  I had the talk with him and we are going to look at rings this weekend and then we will have another talk. lol.  If that doesn’t work then I don’t know what will. I know you already left your man before and found that you could not be without him but you should be with someone that had the same wants and needs as you such as marriage and children.  That is the conclusion that I have come up with for myself.  I know exactly how it feels.  The doubts, confusion, depression, anger…  I know my man loves me and wants to be with me but does not see him self grown up yet.  I’d say for you to maybe have one more talk about it and then be yourself.  Do what you want and don’t surround your life around his.  It will help pass the time too.  If he doesn’t propose by the end of the year then maybe it is time to part.  That’s how I feel in my relationship anyways.

Post # 14
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I waited for almost ten years. I agree with PP that mentioned you are giving out mixed messages. If you want to be with him no matter what, what does the ring really matter? I’m not trying to mean or snarky (have this taken the wrong way since I’m no longer waiting) but in my opinion, it’s the relationship, not a piece of paper, that should matter.

Post # 15
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Normally, I would say give yourself and him a deadline you can both live with, and stick to it. But in your post, you said “After a few months, I decided that I still wanted to be with him, no matter what. So we got back toghether. Everything is great. I realize more than anything now that I do trully want to be with him.”

Isn’t not being engaged or married a no matter what? So what has changed in the past few months that make you want a marriage more than you want him, if that is what it comes down to?

I am just basing my opinion off of the wording in your original post. I understand that 10 years in a long time and you don’t want to waste forever waiting for something that may not happen, but it sounds like it may be in the works if he is saving for it! For now, I would say be patient.

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