Waiting for >7 years, time to put on some pressure?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee

puzzledpenguin :  I’m not big on ultimatums, but I genuinely and sincerely believe that this is the perfect storm in which you should give one. I think you should go at it bluntly:

 

”I’ve been accepted into my dream graduate school. I’d feel comfortable sacrificing this opportunity to go somewhere closer, but only within the confines and commitment of a marriage. If you aren’t ready, I understand, and I don’t want to pressure you; however, if this is the case, I’d like to pursue this opportunity. I’m not very keen on the idea of a long distance relationship, so I will need to know your decision by X date. After all, it has been 7 years so I think you’ve had ample time to determine if you’d like to spend your life with me”

 

Cook a nice dinner for you two and enjoy the night at home so if things get emotional, you won’t be in public. But if possible, don’t get emotional when you talk to him about this. Be confident, and show him that while you’d prefer marriage, you will be okay with or without him. 

 

ETA: if he says he’s unsure and it has been 7 years, I don’t know if he ever will be…

 

Post # 3
Member
676 posts
Busy bee

Doesn’t sound like he wants to get married to you. And from my experience… take the graduate opportunity. For real.

Post # 4
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

7 years is plenty of time. Sh*t or get off the pot.

Don’t rely on other people to mold the life you want. If you want marraige and he doesn’t, tell him so. Telling him ‘no pressure’ to him seems to mean, ‘so don’t even worry about it because we already live together and you’re getting your needs met and I’m willing to just keep on keeping on’. 

In other words, ‘Business as usual”. 

Good luck. 

Post # 5
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

 Go to the graduate school…he doesn’t want to marry you. I mean he told you he didn’t feel “connected” enough with you. What a load of crap. He just doesn’t want to be the bad guy and tell you straight up that he doesn’t want to marry you. You’re still young, just pursue your grad school and find someone else who can’t wait to marry you.

Post # 6
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Sending your hugs bee.

Your story had a lot of similarities to mine. I was dating my (now) husband for just over 7 years, and then we got engaged a few months after that. We bought a house together at 5 years of dating so we had been living together ever since. 

It was so tough to see other friends else get engaged, even though I was super happy for them. I know the feeling. After hitting the 7 year mark, I sat him down and asked him what his thoughts were. I’m pretty sure I specifically asked where we would be 1 year from then, and I told him that a lot of people kept asking me when we were next (and told him how I felt about that). He told me that we would be engaged within the year.

Sometime after he proposed, he told me that he was planning on proposing sooner, but close friends of ours got engaged at our 7 year mark and he didn’t want to overshadow them. He also apologized to me (now that we are married) and said that he realizes now what it must have felt like, and how he always had the intention of proposing but selfishly wanted his ducks in a row first. As in, he always knew that day would come but he didn’t realize how much it stressed me out (I tried not to bring it up before it happened). 

Anyways, my suggestion would be just to sit him down and see where he is at. Talk to him about how you’re feeling, and given your grad school admission (congratulations!), this is a good time to address that. Good luck!

 

Post # 7
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

puzzledpenguin :  This paragraph is very concerning:

“Since then every month or so I’ll bring up the topic. “I’m ready. What are you thinking?” There are always a few excuses. The biggest is that he’s just not sure we’re “connected” enough as a couple. It’s the classic he likes shooter video games and I prefer trashy reality tv. Not a big deal to me, he cares not quite enough to break up.”

It sounds like he’s definitely NOT wanting to marry you right now (or ever). After 7 years you should know and it seems he’s actually thought about breaking up with you over your different interests but ulitmately decided that would be too much trouble. So instead he’s happy with things as is and has no plans to change anything at all. 

Go to graduate school. 

Post # 9
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Sorry bee.  If he wanted to marry you he would have by now.  It doesn’t take 7 years to figure out.  Men who want to get married don’t have to be convinced, cajoled, pushed or forced.  They make the decision and then they propose.  Go get your graduate degree bee and find someone who will be excited to start a family with you.

Post # 10
Member
9828 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He doesn’t think you’re “connected” enough after 7 years?

BYE FELICIA. 

Post # 11
Member
260 posts
Helper bee

It’s been 7 years. If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now.

Post # 12
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

puzzledpenguin :  If he was into marriage and into you, he wouldn’t have to wait for you to quietly mention that you wanted marriage.

He would be gung-ho and want it too.

Even though the truth sucks sometimes, it’s better to know about it so we can take action.

Good luck to you Bee!

Post # 13
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

Been there. Take the graduate opportunity. If he steps up his game and proposes, then great. But if not- and to be completely honest, I don’t think he sees you as his “person”- then you’ll be starting fresh in a new place with a million options for guys who WILL see you as indispensable.

Post # 14
Member
2572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I’ve seen a LOT of excuses on here for men not proposing….but “we’re not connected enough” is probably the stupidest one of them all. So you aren’t connected enought to get engaged or married but you can live together? That’s bullsh*t. 

I’m usually one to say make sure you discuss a timeline and let him know how long you want to be engaged and give an idea of the wedding, etc. etc. But I’m sorry, Bee. This guy does not sound like he wants to get married. I don’t think any amount of ultimatums or discussion is going to change that. 

I also fall in the camp that if you have to give a man an ultimatum, doesn’t that tarnish the engagement process? Do you really want to think back to your engagement like that? I know some Bees don’t agree but that’s my 2 cents. 

I’m sorry, Bee. I really think you should go to school and start doing things to make you happy. ***Hugs***

Post # 15
Member
10685 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

puzzledpenguin :  

No, no, no, no. You don’t use grad school as ‘leverage’ or as an ‘angle’.  That is indeed manipulation. You go to grad school because not doing so makes no sense.

Screw the ‘pressure’ nonsense.  These guys aren’t going to melt.  Your delicate doily needs your income right now, he has no serious plans for a shared future with you.

After seven years, he knows damn good and well how ‘connected’ you are and whether he wants to marry you.  He doesn’t.

A lot of guys will stay put for quite some time if they’re getting 80% of what they want.  Eventually they do go out and find their hundred percenter.

You’ll be making a terrible mistake if you allow this grad school opportunity to slip by for a guy who offers you nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

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