Post # 1
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. I’m 26 and he’s 27. We both want to spend the rest of our lives together and cannot live without each other. I know I want to get married in a few years when I’m ready (probably when I’m 30), but he’s not sure if he ever wants to get married. One minute we’re making plans for the future (buying cars, a house, raising kids/pets together) and the next minute he shuts down completely when the word “marriage” is mentioned. He tells me he never wants to get married and isn’t sure if he’ll ever be ready.
His reasons are you can have all the above with being married and he doesn’t want to think/make plans for the future when it hasn’t happened yet. He’s still immature due to being young and doesn’t want any responsibilities. But, are all men like this when they’re young? Will they change when they do mature and are ready for responsibility and commitment? I’m willing to wait a few more years after he’s done with his masters, stable in his career, and having lived together for 2-3 years. I think maybe he’ll be mature and ready then.
My question for all those who are waiting is are you waiting knowing your SO is going to pop the question someday and it’s just a matter of time when he’s ready or are you waiting unsure if he’d ever be ready?
Post # 3
He’s not that young. So its him, not because he is a “man”.
I would not expect him to change at all. So you need to decide if you can live your life with him without the marriage. Some can, some can’t.
Post # 4
It’s hard to say. I know mine will propose, soon, I hope. Is there a reason why he’s so against marriage? Are his parents divorced? Has he watched a lot of his relatives or friends get divorced? If so, it could take a lot to get that fear out of his mind.
Post # 5
My husband was 24 when he proposed, so I wouldn’t think age has anything to do with it. Its HIM. No one can choose how long you stay, but be prepared that he might not ever change. Is marriage a deal breaker for you? If he could commit without it, would you stay? These are the questions you have to ask yourself
Post # 6
It doesn’t sound like moving in together would be a good idea for you; if he’s doesn’t see the point in marriage now, he probably won’t see the point after moving in together either. He’d probably too get comfortable to ever propose.
To be honest, it’s a red flag that you’ve been together for this long, at your age, and he still refuses to make any plans for the future. If he says that never wants to get married, I’d take his word of it. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to be a girlfriend for the rest of your life.
Post # 7
I just think he’s still a child. He lives at home with his family for the time being as his school is close to home. His mom does his laundry, pays his bills and has food ready on the table when he gets home from school. He has no responsibilities or burdens so obviously he doesn’t/won’t think about the future. Until he finishes up grad school, gets a real job, and move out on his own, he’ll never grow up or understand what it means to have responsibilities. I think most men are ready to settle down when they’re stable in their careers, when they’re mature enough to take care of themselves and the lives of the women they love. Unfortunately, my boyfriend isn’t at that stage in life just yet and frankly I’m not either. I know I will be in a few years time and I believe he will be too, that’s why I’m willing to wait for him. But, if he’s still not ready by the timeline I have in my mind, then I deserve much more and will be moving on to something better.
Post # 8
@pongpong: Making assumptions about someone else changing is never a good idea. Especially since he has out right told you what he thinks and believes. So basically you are saying you just dont believe him. I think you are asking to be disapointed and sad.
He might very well need to “grow” up still, but there is no guarantee growing up will change his outlook on marriage.
Post # 9
@BellsforHer: I completely agree. OP- you have to figure out if you can go about the rest of your life without marriage because your guy doesn’t seem like the committing type.
Post # 10
Unless he has major philosophical issues with the institution of marriage itself (not wanting to get married until homosexuals can, an objection to the gender norms marriage can be seen to prescribe, a belief that it’s a religious institution sanctioned by the government and he’s an atheist/anarchist/libertarian, etc.), then one of two things is going on here: He’s either living in a state of protracted adolescence (which, let me stress, NOT ALL MEN GROW OUT OF. My boyfriend’s father and my father BOTH never did)…or…I hate to put this out there, but…he might just not want to marry YOU.
If he knows marriage is important to you, and he loves you, he will want to marry you because he will want to make you happy, and because a life with you doesn’t scare him (barring like I said above, philospohical reasons). If he doesn’t, why would you want to stay with someone who doesn’t love you enough to want to marry you? I know it’s probably not that simple, but I’ve had several boyfriends who “didn’t want to get married” .. who are all married now. Truth was, they didn’t want to marry ME. And that’s ok. It freed me up to meet someone awesome!
Obviously, if you decide that marriage isn’t important to you, then none of this applies. But you need to be honest with yourself, and set a deadline. If you decide you need marriage, on that day, you leave. If you decide you can live without it, then on that day you need to put away any hope of ever getting married. Because just as it isn’t fair for him to know you want to marry and stay with you anyways with no intention of giving you a proposal…it’s not fair for you to TELL him you will be fine with no marriage, and then let the resentment build and treat him badly because of it.
Post # 11
I agree with some PPs. Age isn’t the issue. Maybe you could try couples or individual therapy? There may be a reason for his fear of commitment
Post # 12
I started dating a guy years ago when I was 23 and he was 27. I ‘waited’ for about 5 years before realizing he was never going to propose. He acted the same as your SO as far as wanting to make plans for the future one day and then shutting down the next. I am waiting now with the full expectation that my SO will be proposing within the next 3 months (we already have a timeline in mind but are waiting because I am dealing with custody/court drama with my ex…not the one mentioned above…to be over. It is a stressful time so my SO is waiting to propose until after the last court date at the end of Sept.) Good luck to you…but don’t wait too long for him!
Post # 13
@Subrosa: I hope OP heeds these (and others’) wise words.
OP, if he were, say, 22, I’d agree with you. But 27?? This isn’t about his age.
Post # 14
I agree with BellsforHer.
Something seems off… and trust me… I dated a guy that lived at home and his mom did everything for him. He is now 28 and STILL lives at home. A big part of me wants to just tell you to get out now, because you will find someone who does not have these issues. Also, alot of resentment can build as well. My SO is 26 and I know he is going to propose in the near future. So much better than dealing with a man baby. LOL, of course I know it’s hard though when there are feelings attached. If he does not want to ever get married, and you really do, then I would explain the importance off marriage for you to him. If he won’t budge, I would say move on. Because you will probably feel like you cheated yourself and begin to resent him if you stay. Just my opinion. Good luck and sorry you are dealing with this.
Post # 15
I agree with @armychica06:. If you’re willing to wait for him then good luck. I think you need to put it out there and let him know what will be the deal breaker for you. You owe it to him to know that you may not stay around for him to make up his mind. But most of all you owe it to yourself.
Post # 16
I don’t think this is an age thing, and if he isn’t financially mature or used to taking care of himself at this point, I think the chances of that are being reduced daily. Can you live without marriage, from this it doesn’t sound like you want to.