(Closed) Waiting for a future or a dead end?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

He’s not that young. So its him, not because he is a “man”.

I would not expect him to change at all. So you need to decide if you can live your life with him without the marriage. Some can, some can’t.

 

Post # 4
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It’s hard to say.  I know mine will propose, soon, I hope.  Is there a reason why he’s so against marriage?  Are his parents divorced?  Has he watched a lot of his relatives or friends get divorced?  If so, it could take a lot to get that fear out of his mind.

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

My husband was 24 when he proposed, so I wouldn’t think age has anything to do with it. Its HIM. No one can choose how long you stay, but be prepared that he might not ever change. Is marriage a deal breaker for you? If he could commit without it, would you stay? These are the questions you have to ask yourself

Post # 6
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

It doesn’t sound like moving in together would be a good idea for you; if he’s doesn’t see the point in marriage now, he probably won’t see the point after moving in together either. He’d probably too get comfortable to ever propose.

To be honest, it’s a red flag that you’ve been together for this long, at your age, and he still refuses to make any plans for the future. If he says that never wants to get married, I’d take his word of it. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to be a girlfriend for the rest of your life.

Post # 8
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@pongpong: Making assumptions about someone else changing is never a good idea. Especially since he has out right told you what he thinks and believes. So basically you are saying you just dont believe him.  I think you are asking to be disapointed and sad.

He might very well need to “grow” up still, but there is no guarantee growing up will change his outlook on marriage.

Post # 9
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee

@BellsforHer: I completely agree. OP- you have to figure out if you can go about the rest of your life without marriage because your guy doesn’t seem like the committing type.

Post # 10
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Unless he has major philosophical issues with the institution of marriage itself (not wanting to get married until homosexuals can, an objection to the gender norms marriage can be seen to prescribe, a belief that it’s a religious institution sanctioned by the government and he’s an atheist/anarchist/libertarian, etc.), then one of two things is going on here: He’s either living in a state of protracted adolescence (which, let me stress, NOT ALL MEN GROW OUT OF. My boyfriend’s father and my father BOTH never did)…or…I hate to put this out there, but…he might just not want to marry YOU.

If he knows marriage is important to you, and he loves you, he will want to marry you because he will want to make you happy, and because a life with you doesn’t scare him (barring like I said above, philospohical reasons). If he doesn’t, why would you want to stay with someone who doesn’t love you enough to want to marry you? I know it’s probably not that simple, but I’ve had several boyfriends who “didn’t want to get married” .. who are all married now. Truth was, they didn’t want to marry ME. And that’s ok. It freed me up to meet someone awesome!

Obviously, if you decide that marriage isn’t important to you, then none of this applies. But you need to be honest with yourself, and set a deadline. If you decide you need marriage, on that day, you leave. If you decide you can live without it, then on that day you need to put away any hope of ever getting married. Because just as it isn’t fair for him to know you want to marry and stay with you anyways with no intention of giving you a proposal…it’s not fair for you to TELL him you will be fine with no marriage, and then let the resentment build and treat him badly because of it.

Post # 11
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with some PPs. Age isn’t the issue. Maybe you could try couples or individual therapy? There may be a reason for his fear of commitment 

Post # 12
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I started dating a guy years ago when I was 23 and he was 27.  I ‘waited’ for about 5 years before realizing he was never going to propose.  He acted the same as your SO as far as wanting to make plans for the future one day and then shutting down the next.  I am waiting now with the full expectation that my SO will be proposing within the next 3 months (we already have a timeline in mind but are waiting because I am dealing with custody/court drama with my ex…not the one mentioned above…to be over.  It is a stressful time so my SO is waiting to propose until after the last court date at the end of Sept.)  Good luck to you…but don’t wait too long for him!

Post # 13
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@Subrosa: I hope OP heeds these (and others’) wise words.

OP, if he were, say, 22, I’d agree with you.  But 27??  This isn’t about his age.

Post # 14
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with BellsforHer.

Something seems off… and trust me… I dated a guy that lived at home and his mom did everything for him. He is now 28 and STILL lives at home. A big part of me wants to just tell you to get out now, because you will find someone who does not have these issues. Also, alot of resentment can build as well.  My SO is 26 and I know he is going to propose in the near future. So much better than dealing with a man baby. LOL, of course I know it’s hard though when there are feelings attached. If he does not want to ever get married, and you really do, then I would explain the importance off marriage for you to him. If he won’t budge, I would say move on. Because you will probably feel like you cheated yourself and begin to resent him if you stay. Just my opinion. Good luck and sorry you are dealing with this. Frown

Post # 15
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

I agree with @armychica06:. If you’re willing to wait for him then good luck. I think you need to put it out there and let him know what will be the deal breaker for you. You owe it to him to know that you may not stay around for him to make up his mind. But most of all you owe it to yourself.

Post # 16
Member
3204 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think this is an age thing, and if he isn’t financially mature or used to taking care of himself at this point, I think the chances of that are being reduced daily. Can you live without marriage, from this it doesn’t sound like you want to.

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