Waiting for a proposal – in your 40's!

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
4902 posts
Honey bee

Can you clarify exactly what you have done to “make it clear”?  

Also, what do you mean by his “reluctance” to discuss it?  He just walks away?  Changes the subject?

Exactly what has been done and what has been said up until this point?

Post # 3
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
@needingaction:  well, if you are in your 40s and want children you are going to need to be more proactive about this.  Surely your boyfriend understands women’s biological clocks, so you need to have a conversation with him.  If he does not want marriage and children *now* then you should look at freezing your eggs ASAP.

As far as avoiding the situation where you dump him and he marries someone else quickly…. well if that were to happen, it should solidify the fact that he was never going to marry *you*.  

Why are you letting him live with you, if he’s being so cryptic about your future together? 

Post # 4
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

View original reply
@needingaction:  my husband (47) and I (37) have been married for almost 2 years, it’s both our second marriage. Have either if you been married before? How old are you, you didn’t say? If you’re over 40, it’s going to be pretty difficult and possibly unlikely to have biological children just FYI 

At this age, I think it’s fine / important to just be communicative. Before we were married, we both wanted to start trying for a family, and I just made it clear in a long, pleasant, CLEAR conversation that I wanted to be married before we had a child. He had often talked about us getting married, etc so it wasn’t out of the blue. We basically just agreed to get married, there wasn’t a proposal – but you could easily ask that he propose within X amount of time, instead.

At this age, I would guess he’d either get with the program faster than a guy in his 20 (like my husband), or not be a marriage type and drag his feet (which you don’t want to waste your time with).

The fact that he avoids this kind of talk isn’t a great sign though 🙁 Good luck! Just lay it all out there for him. What’s the worst that could happen? You find out he doesn’t want to marry you? GOOD, that’s better than wasting your time…. next please. 

Post # 6
Member
3464 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@needingaction:  luv, you’re in your 40s and want a baby. It’s time to tell him to shit or get off the pot. You don’t have time to play these games. 

there is nothing wrong with saying you want a family and that at your age you need to do that yesterday. It’s also ok to say that you need to be married first. Then book the courthouse and go do it. 

I know a good few women who got accidentally pregnant in their 40s (all but 1 are single mothers) so it is possible to get pregnant naturally at this age. 

Post # 10
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
@needingaction:  oh your latest update is full of red flags we’ve seen a hundred times on here.  Refusing to set a real time line, dreaming of the future “when we’s”, getting angry when you bring it up, put up and shut up? I’m sorry but absolutely no.  This is YOUR LIFE and YOUR FUTURE which does not have to be on his timeline.  I would discuss it today, if he doesn’t plan to set a definitive timeline for marriage and children, I’d kick him to the curb and freeze my eggs.  If you wait for him to “come around to it” on his own terms, you will not be having biological children.  It’s not like he didn’t know your age and your future intentions.  

Post # 11
Member
500 posts
Busy bee

Ew, I dislike the whole reacting with anger/frustration when you bring up marriage.

Start the process of leaving now, or when you can – don’t wait to be disappointed in July.

Post # 12
Member
633 posts
Busy bee

Have you ever straight-up asked him whether he wants to get married? In those words? And made it clear that “no” is an acceptable answer? In 90% of these waiting scenarios, posters are so focussed on getting the “right” answer (i.e. a proposal) that they send the message to their SOs that that is the ONLY acceptable answer….so they end up with no answer instead, for years on end. Which is, of course, an answer in itself, only by that point it’s imossible for them to see it. You shouldn’t have to assign motive or read into his nonspecific actions and statements in an effort to interpret them as a “yes”. He should be able to tell you “no” if that is his honest answer, and you should be able to hear it and move on with your (still very long!) life. 

Post # 14
Member
4902 posts
Honey bee

I think the better question that you need to be asking yourself is why do you even want to be married and spend the rest of your life with someone who actively avoids and actually gets angry about planning their future with you? Why do you want someone who says planning a future with you is pressuring them after 2 years together? and this is just step one… How many years of foot-dragging and petulant avoidance are you facing when it comes to actually buying a house and actually having kids in the future if he’s this way right now?

Don’t you want to be with someone who is actually excited about planning a future with you?

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors