Waiting for a proposal – in your 40's!

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

Some good advice here. Wow. 
Bee, i’d say be straight forward one last time. You need to be commited to now and that you plan to have children right away. Ask if thats what he wants. If yes, needs to be proven right away, if not. You need to kindly pack him up and send him on his way. If you dont act now, you’ll end up resenting yourself forever. Virtual counseling is agreed! Make moves now

Post # 32
Member
33 posts
Newbee

I’m going to be very honest, and i’m sorry if it’s harsh. It sounds like you already know he doesn’t want to get married to you and you want us to give you the magic recipe to make him change his mind. 

It’s his loss, and one day he will realize that. 

For now, I would formulate an exit plan to be executed in July. Give him a heads up that unless your engaged by July, you love him but you love yourself too and this has gotten cruel. Go see a doctor and discuss your biological clock options. Let him have a fit. If he says, “I’m feeling pressured!” Say, “Good. You should be.” 

Yes, it’ll suck if he moves on. 

But you know what will suck worst? 

Not having children. 

Post # 33
Member
5785 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

You are going to be 41 in a couple of months and it’s time to make an appointment at a fertility clinic to discuss your options for having a biological child. You need to educate yourself on the real hard, cold facts and options that are available to you. I wouldn’t depend on your partner at all at this point but YOU can still be a mother, but you need to act fast. You don’t have another year or 2 to waste and date around. One great option available to you is egg quality supplements and sperm donors. One of my friends has a son who just turned 1 throigh the use of a donor and couldn’t be happier. Her dream of being a mother was realized when SHE took charge of her life and acted fast at 40 years old. You can find your other half later in life, but your chances of becoming a mother are dwindling every month. Make the appointment to see a fertility specialist asap. Best of luck.

Post # 34
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

View original reply
@needingaction:  hi bee. I’m sorry that you are in this situation and agree with other bees that at your age, he has had his time to show his commitment. Some other bees have suggested that you freeze your eggs – I am honestly  not sure that a fertility doctor would recommend that for you. I tried at 35 and was told that ideally freezing eggs is a younger woman’s game (best done in your 20s) due to egg quality etc. I tried anyway. First cycle failed. Second cycle there were not enough eggs to freeze and thaw and fertilise. I had to convince my SO to fertilise the eggs that we did get to create embryos, otherwise it would have been deemed a failed cycle again.  Luckily he did and our story has worked out (we aren’t married, but I can live without that. I have been married before and kids was the thing I couldn’t live without). 

if you really want to try for biological kids, the best option may be to go it alone rather than start over with a potential partner. If you are open to egg donation then your options are greater obviously. Regardless, I’d get some fertility advice, tell your partner it’s now or never and go pursue the dreams that are important to you. If he’s in, he will jump with you. If not, then you need to decide what’s more important – marriage or having biological children, and pursue that new goal. 

Post # 35
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020

View original reply
@needingaction:  My thoughts are that it sounds like he isn’t on the same page. He may not understand your life goals. 2 years at this age is a long time. I feel that also, relationships can function and thrive, with or without marriage, but both people need to be on board and have the same goals and understanding. I think perhaps trying to make yourself very clear to him, speaking in very definitive language (i.e. my goals are ______ or I want _____) and gauge his reaction. Then, turn the table, ask him how he feels about what you’ve said, and what his goals are too. You can read alot about the person’s response, and can pick up a lot of vibes from someone’s body language and cues. All in all, folllow your gut.

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